


We Need a New Song

by uhpockuhlipz



Series: New Song verse [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abusive Parent, Ballet AU, F/F, Found Family, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Minor Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, POV Lena Luthor, eating disorder tw, kara danvers is amazing, they love each other a lot ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:51:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 70,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9396389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhpockuhlipz/pseuds/uhpockuhlipz
Summary: Lena Luthor moves to National City for a fresh start, far away from where the Luthor name has the most notorious connotation. But Lena cannot escape from under the thumb of her controlling mother and her own desperate need to prove herself to her. After all, perfection is expected of a Luthor and her mother wants her to be the best because she loves her (Lena wants so badly to believe it's because she loves her).But then Lena meets Kara Danvers and everything starts to unravel. Lena's perfect world is not so perfect and she soon starts to learn that love does not make demands.ORthe ballet AU that's mostly not actually about ballet.





	1. ballet d'action

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Okay, so this was the completely unexpected AU I wasn't thinking about writing until suddenly I was writing it and realized it was a ballet AU? I really hope you guys like it. My confidence with this one is a little shaky and it's my first time undertaking a multi-chapter Karlena, and also an AU. And it's both. Gulp. (Thanks to my gf for putting up with me through this writing process. It's been... something.)

_Breathe in._

 

_Execute._

 

_Hold._

 

Lena felt her muscles pull and stretch, felt the expansion of her rib cage from her slowly drawn in breath. She held the air in her lungs as her body bent just so, a perfect juxtaposition of straight back and turned out leg, her chest pressing to her leotard so that the sweat-damp material stretched tight. The leg supporting her weight held her _en pointe,_ the other lifted straight out behind her in an angle just beyond parallel to the ground. A practiced over-extension, one that not everyone could perform while maintaining good form, but Lena had worked for years to be able to manage. She kept her hips in perfect formation, squared and stable, her arm extended out in front of herself, the other curved over the _barre_. It was a well-executed _arabesque._

 

And then she felt it. A tremor.

 

Her eyes closed with the horror of it and she hoped, she _hoped,_ that it would go unnoticed.

 

But of course, she was never so lucky.

 

“Sloppy, Lena,” her mother snapped immediately. “You are trembling like a beginner. Hardly _prima ballerina_ material.” Her smile was icy as she stepped closer, those cold eyes flickering over Lena with obvious derision. “I hope you don’t expect the National City Ballet to keep you around long with technique like that.”

 

Lena released her hold at last, letting her body relax again as she turned to face Lillian Luthor.

 

“We’ve been at it for hours, mother,” she said in a voice that held no traces of her exhaustion. No, Lena would not give her mother that satisfaction, would not make herself vulnerable to that degree. If Lillian sensed weakness, she would keep pushing until Lena was left with nothing.

 

“They’ve already hired me, but I won’t be cast as a featured dancer if I wear myself out before the auditions. I am done for tonight.” She kept her expression carefully flat, a perfect match to her voice. No strain, no irritation, no worry. She’d learned long ago that confrontations with her mother were best avoided. If she stated her intentions rather than forming them as a question, there would be no argument. Lillian Luthor despised making a scene.

 

Her disapproval and dissatisfaction were always clear, but she wouldn’t say no.

 

It was almost worth it.

 

“I see. If that rather weak attempt at dance is all you have in you tonight, then perhaps it’s for the best. Goodnight, Lena.”

 

She’d also learned a long time ago to shrug off her mother’s barbs. If they stung, she pushed it aside and tried to remind herself that she was all her mother had now since her father had passed, since Lex had…

 

If Lillian’s expectations were high, it was only because Lena was all that remained of her family, her legacy. She wanted what was best for her. She _loved_ her, Lena told herself over and over. Lillian loved her.

 

She wished she actually believed it.

 

“Goodnight, mother.”

 

//

 

Lena had liked to dance, once.

 

Sometimes she still did, in the early hours of the morning when she was alone in the studio and her mother wasn’t standing nearby to judge every movement. When she could just let go for a bit and just _be_ , though these moments were few and far between. She was hoping that dancing for the National City Ballet would give her more of that. Time away from Lillian, time to grow beyond Metropolis and her brother’s ever-present shadow.

 

Time to be known as Lena instead of by her surname.

 

She walked to the address Cat Grant had given her, pleased to find the National City Ballet’s building was a clean and aesthetically pleasing brick multilevel with flower pots flanking the front doors. Half the levels were dedicated to the National City Ballet’s practice sessions, she knew. The other half hosted more casual dance classes or classes for beginners.If there was one thing Cat Grant knew, it was efficiency and profit. Lena was no stranger to it either, and she recognized immediately that they had a good thing going here.

 

It didn’t take her long to find where she’d be working now, a third floor practice room not unlike most she’d been in.It was empty still, peaceful in its early morning quiet with sunlight striping the floor where it was just beginning to filter through the blinds. The _barre_ was polished and the floor had been swept and mopped. The mirrored wall was clear of smudges, ready to perfectly reflect the artists that spent the day studying their craft in its panels.

 

No, not unlike other spaces she’d worked in, but it was still an honest pleasure to step inside.

 

Here was a place where art and discipline met. There was no better feeling to Lena than a new studio, a new start, and it was obvious that Cat Grant took great pride in what was hers. Lena breathed in the faint scent of Lysol and let herself smile, standing there in the center of the room with her eyes closed just absorbing the feeling.

 

“It’s nice, right?”

 

The voice jolted her and Lena whirled, fingers going tight around the strap of her bag.

 

It took her a moment to pinpoint the source of the voice, but eventually she spotted her. A pretty blonde girl who winced a bit sheepishly at having startled Lena before offering a smile, fingers fiddling with the arm of her glasses.

 

She was squatting behind the piano bench with a pile of disorganized sheet music gathered in her hands. It looked as if she’d dropped it all and had stooped down to pick it up. Which explained why Lena hadn’t seen her, as the massive instrument between them had obviously blocked her from her line of sight.

 

She straightened again and cleared her throat, shuffling the sheet music in a fruitless attempt to straighten it out again before giving up and dropping it all onto the piano bench. Then she was turning towards Lena again, that contrite smile still in place as she stepped closer.

 

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, and she was closer now, but not close enough to touch, as if making sure Lena wasn’t still a bit frightened.

 

Which was preposterous. She was only a girl. There was nothing to be frightened of.

 

Lena managed a small nod, though she wasn’t sure she quite accepted the apology yet. Despite the fact it _was_ preposterous, her heart was still racing and she could hear the rush of blood in her ears, pulsing there like a miniature heartbeat. Slowly, very slowly, she released her hold on the strap of her bag until she at last managed to lower it to the ground beside her feet.

 

She meant to say something along the lines of _that’s alright,_ but she found herself asking instead, “What’s nice?”

 

“What?” There was a moment of confusion and head-tilting that Lena refused to be charmed by before the girl’s expression cleared and she smiled.

 

Lena could only blink at that smile. It radiated such pure and obvious joy, dimpling the girl’s cheeks and crinkling the corners of her eyes. Lena had never seen anyone smile quite like that before. She wondered how anyone could feel so much joy out of such a simple and stilted conversation.

 

“Oh! I meant… what you were doing.” She waved a hand vaguely towards Lena. “Standing there looking all happy because you thought you were alone and... I kind of ruined that.” She winced. “Sorry again. I just meant… the feeling of being the first one in the studio. It’s nice. Well, technically you were second I guess, but I’m not a dancer so I’m not sure that counts.”

 

“You’re a person,” Lena pointed out, and she hated that her voice was stiff as she said it. Trying to make up for it, she forced a small smile as she sank down to begin her stretches. _God, Lena, try to act like a person yourself._ “You count. I don’t mind being second.”

 

“Oh, okay. Well that’s good because I’m usually here pretty early.” She laughed and reached into her sweater pocket, jingled a set of keys before shoving both hands into the pockets of her jeans. “Since, you know, I unlock the place and all.” And she was still smiling, standing there watching Lena like she had nothing better to do.

 

Lena looked up at her, nodded slightly as she carefully flexed each muscle in her foot.

 

“I’m always early myself,” she murmured, and then looked away again.

 

It was the most she was willing to offer. She wasn’t here to make small talk with… whoever this girl was. She wasn’t Cat Grant so she wasn’t who Lena needed to impress and Lena wasn’t here to make friends. She was here to work, to be the best. Distractions like pretty girls in sunshine yellow sweaters were not appropriate or acceptable.

 

( _“I didn’t raise you to be this way, Lena. I didn’t raise you to disgrace us with these… proclivities.”_

 

Her mother’s words still echoed, still burned, even years later.

 

No, Lena did not need any distractions.)

 

But it seemed this girl didn’t have that same issue.

 

“I’m Kara Danvers,” she said, and suddenly she was stepping forward and sinking onto the ground beside Lena with that smile still in place, holding out a hand to shake. “Ms. Grant’s assistant, the rehearsal pianist, blah blah.”

 

Lena’s mind warred between her sense of decorum and the innate need for self-preservation, both of which seemed valid now as she met the bright-eyed enthusiasm of Kara Danvers head on. She was just so _friendly_ and Lena was not, Lena had never had anyone like that, and every instinct was telling her to keep it from her life. Because everything about it spelled complicated and Lena’s life was already that.

 

Eventually, though, the manners hammered into her from childhood won out and she lifted a hand, sliding it carefully into Kara’s.

 

Like her eyes, like her smile, like the laugh still fresh in Lena’s memory, Kara’s hand was warm. Lena held her breath as they shook for the minimum amount of time deemed appropriate and then quickly withdrew again, eyes dropping down to focus on her feet and legs as she continued to stretch.

 

“Lena,” she offered after a moment.

 

Beside her, Kara went still.

 

Because of course Cat Grant’s assistant knew who she’d hired. Of course even her first name would be enough for this girl to recognize who she was. Lena felt herself stiffen in response, her lips pressed together in a hard line.

 

“Oh. _Oh,_ ” said Kara, and the short, repetitive syllables hung heavily in the space between them. Lena gritted her teeth and forced herself to look up, to meet the wide-eyed gaze of Kara Danvers squarely as she fought against a wave of temper.

 

 _I’m not him!_ She wanted to scream it. _I’m not my mother, I’m not my father, I’m not my brother._

 

_I’m just me._

 

But there was no sense in losing control of herself like that. It would only prove them right, would only make people like Kara more inclined to believe she could lash out like Lex. And she wouldn’t, she couldn’t, be compared to him anymore. She didn’t want to keep paying for his sins over and over, didn’t want to keep losing people as soon as she met them because she happened to share a name (a house, parents, childhood memories) with a murderer.

 

“Are you sure you still want to sit so close?” she asked, one eyebrow arching as she gave Kara a rather cool look. “Now that you realize I’m a Luthor?” She curled her body down over the length of her leg, as if Kara’s reaction had no effect on her.

 

(Never mind the heavy slam of her heart, the burning shame crawling up her chest, the acrid, bitter taste of bile at the back of her throat.)

 

When she was met with silence, she tilted her head to the side, lifting an eyebrow in her direction.

 

The question seemed to have flustered Kara, whose face grew pink under Lena’s scrutiny, and she looked away to fiddle with her glasses again. Lena might have been amused by how awkward she suddenly was if the subject didn’t leave her so sore. Instead she felt only a little ill and the good feeling the studio had given her was fading away.

 

She turned away from Kara and resumed her stretches, though she was highly aware of the fact she other girl hadn’t moved. Not toward and not away.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

The apology was abrupt and unexpected, coming only after an awkward stretch of silence. Lena was so surprised that she looked towards Kara once more. Kara was actually looking at her again and she seemed… determined was the word that came to mind, though Lena hadn’t the faintest idea what was going through her head to make her look that way.

 

“That was really rude and I- that is, I didn’t mean to- um.” Kara huffed out a breath and adjusted her glasses again, looking more and more frustrated while Lena’s confusion only grew.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lena. Welcome. Genuinely.” She smiled, and Lena was so shocked by the whole thing that she didn’t even move away when Kara’s hand covered hers and squeezed gently. “I hope you’re happy here with us, and in National City.”

 

Then she was up and moving to the piano again, leaving Lena to do her stretches in peace.

 

Lena felt like she’d just been run over by the prettiest, warmest, most vanilla-scented steamroller in the city.

 

//

 

It wasn’t a disaster, _per se_.

 

As far as the program itself went, Lena was actually very pleased with National City Ballet. Cat Grant was a tough, no-nonsense instructor who praised rarely and criticized often, though her biting witticisms were often so ridiculously phrased that Lena had a hard time taking them too seriously.

 

(After years and years of sharp barbs and comments meant to wound, words given to deliberately leave her bleeding, Lena was hardly rattled by anything Cat Grant could possibly say.

 

But that rarely given praise… oh, Lena craved it. She’d never had anything like it before and she wanted to take every bit of it Cat had to offer, stingy though it was, and swallow it down so that she could keep it forever.)

 

But the other people in the company were not as pleased with Lena’s presence as Lena was to be there. They whispered and stared and muttered comments just loud enough for her to hear. Most at least tried to make it less obvious, but some were blatant in their distaste.

 

Lena was used to all of this, of course. Anywhere she went, there were plenty of people like them at any given time. It was just that she’d hoped here, with Cat Grant’s warning of _“Don’t start drama for no reason in my company”_ still fresh in their minds after her introduction, she’d be able to dance and forget the rest.

 

She’d resigned herself to silence and solitude instead, did her work without a single person attempting to strike up conversation, and went through the exercises with her chin tipped defiantly up. She wouldn’t let their unmitigated hatred ruin what she’d found here in National City. Maybe, just maybe, they’d eventually come to realize she wasn’t Lex. And if they didn’t…

 

Well. It wasn’t like she’d never been made an outcast by an entire group of peers before.

 

Lena sat on the studio floor and watched the others filter out over the mouth of her water bottle, free hand scrubbing a towel over sweat damp skin. The thin black material of her leotard was damp as well and she considered changing before continuing, but then her clothes would be sweaty and she’d only brought one set. So a damp leotard would have to do.

 

She waited until all of the other dancers were gone and then stood, flexing her feet absently before heading towards the unused stereo system. She’d just plug in her phone, play some of her own music for awhile, get in some extra practice. Then she’d head home.

 

Just one hour more.

 

Maybe two, tops.

 

(It ended up being three and a half, but she felt a little better by the time she left again.)

 

//

 

There were classes going on downstairs and Lena peered in through the glass observation windows as she passed. They ranged from older kids to younger, from the practiced dancers to the beginners.

 

Lena was particularly caught by a class of girls who looked to be about eight or so, all in their matching pink leotards as they clutched the _barre_ and performed their _plies._ Lena could just barely hear their instructor praising them – _“Good! Very good, girls!” –_ and wondered what it would have been like, to take lessons with other girls her age, to be praised for performing even the most simple of moves.

 

She could see a couple of girls giggling together at the back who were only gently scolded for their wandering attention a moment later. She could see flyaway hairs sticking to thin necks and slightly damp foreheads and thought of her own harshly scraped back buns, how she’d been chastised if so much as a single wisp escaped.

 

Would she have had friends if she hadn’t been stuck alone in the private studio of the Luthor mansion with overly zealous instructors and her ever-present mother? If she’d come to a place like this to learn?

 

Perhaps she wouldn’t have become the dancer she now was, she thought as she watched a girl fumble her third position _plie_ without either adult in the room correcting her, but she’d have had friends. Maybe it would have been worth it.

 

Now it was too late.

 

Lena lifted a hand, her fingertips pressing to the glass as if she could go back and recapture these moments for her own childhood. A sigh, almost wistful, escaped before she could bite it back.

 

“Lena?”

 

Lena whirled away from the glass, hands dropping to the strap of her bag as she turned and found herself face to face with Kara Danvers.

 

“Hello, Kara,” she managed, heat burning in her cheeks. She hadn’t meant to get caught here and wished she’d just hurried past all the classrooms and out the front door before being discovered. It’s just that… she’d just wanted to…

 

(Pretend. She’d wanted to pretend, just for a moment.)

 

“Hi,” Kara returned with a smile, head tilting slightly as she studied Lena. Lena shifted awkwardly and wished that it didn’t feel like Kara had x-ray vision or something.

 

The last thing she needed was someone around who could see through her to all the broken pieces.

 

“It’s nearly four hours past company time. What’re you doing here?”

 

“Oh. I was just squeezing in some extra time,” she murmured before looking Kara up and down. The other girl was dressed like a ballerina now, a black leotard over pink tights with a floating floral skirt tied around her hips. Her hair was pulled back in a braid (and tendrils escaped here too, completely without discipline or regard for proper uniform) and she wore ballet slippers. “And here I thought you weren’t a dancer.” Her eyes came up again to meet Kara’s.

 

She was blushing, and for some reason it made Lena want to smile.

 

Because it did, she was careful not to.

 

“What? Oh. No.” Kara looked down at herself and laughed, head shaking slightly. “I’m, um. Not, really. I mean, I’m not on your level for sure. Or the company’s. I’m just, you know...” Her hands came up, flipped vaguely in front of herself as if to pluck the words she wanted from the air. “I’m a teacher. I teach. Just the basics, though. I’m really not all that good.”

 

Lena lifted her eyebrows. She wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, didn’t know how to keep up such a casual conversation. It served no purpose for either of them, really. So what reason did Kara have for speaking with her?

 

Across from her, the other girl sucked her lips between her teeth, held them there nervously for a moment before opening her mouth to speak again.

 

Before she could, there was a shout of, _“Miss Kara!”_ and she was giving Lena an apologetic smile before turning to face the girl that had spoken, a tiny thing that could not have been older than six.

 

Suddenly the task of extricating herself from this awkward encounter became much simpler and rather than wait to say goodbye or any such thing, Lena turned and slipped out while Kara was engaged with her student. It seemed simpler that way.

 

Lena didn’t want to suffer through Kara’s guilt-induced desire to act friendly towards Lena. She wasn’t a fan of pity, or charity. Not for herself. So why should she stick around to experience the forced kindness?

 

(What had Kara been going to say anyway?

 

The question bothered her for the remainder of her night.)


	2. en avant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I am an anxious mess and haven't re-read any of this so it's unedited and unbeta'd, my apologies if it sucks. xo

When the announcement came a handful of weeks later that National City Ballet would be auditioning their dancers for _Giselle,_ the whispers of the members became an excited tidal wave of sound. They all leaned into one another across the rows of seats they reclined in – new performances were always announced in the National City Theatre, for tradition’s sake – and spoke to each other in growing volume about what they knew of the production.

 

Lena knew it, of course. One could not do ballet without knowing of _Giselle,_ its popularity, and the fact that the title role was one of the most coveted in the dance world. Girls would kill for the part of Giselle (not literally, though some might doubt that in Lena’s case) and Lena could already see the gleam of excitement and competitive spirit in the other dancers’ eyes. She doubted there was a woman in this room who wouldn’t be auditioning.

 

Lena knew she would because auditioning for the lead was expected of her, but she wasn’t feeling the same excitement as the others. Instead she was filled with a nervous, sort of jittery feeling, her stomach twisted into knots as she stared up at Cat Grant where she stood on the stage. Auditions for a company were one thing. Auditions for a production were another. It meant more extra hours, less food, and much more time being berated by her mother.

 

Lillian Luthor would not allow Lena to be anything but the best.

 

“Alright, alright, settle down,” Cat said from the stage, waving her hands at the crowd. The dancers fell silent almost immediately, everyone’s attention switching back to her. There was still a tension to the crowd, an energy that couldn’t be dispelled, but everyone knew better than to piss off Cat Grant. “It’s very exciting news, I know. This is going to be a very lucrative production for our theatre and I will be deliberating over each and every role for hours to make certain they’re filled by the best dancers that the National City Ballet has to offer. Which means I expect you to give me the same level of dedication and time in practice, rehearsals, and show time. Am I clear?”

 

The theatre filled with calls of “Yes, Miss Grant,” and she smirked, pleased with their agreement.

 

“Good. Then go, take an early night. Celebrate, get drunk, stay out late. Suffer through your hangovers tomorrow. Do what you have to do. Because come Monday, rehearsals begin and there will be no time off until this production is complete. Auditions will be held on Friday and roles will be posted bright and early Monday morning.” It was all she said before she turned and left the stage, a cue for the others to get up and leave.

 

Lena stood slowly, shuffling out of her empty row with her fingers clenched around the strap of her bag. There was a queasy pitch to her stomach, a twist that made her feel like she might just throw up. Probably would, in fact, once she’d made it home. Her nerves always got the better of her. In exactly one week she would be on this stage auditioning for the lead in _Giselle._ That was only one week – less than a week now, as the day was over – to prepare, to train, to perfect her figure.

 

Her mother would accept nothing less than perfect, and Lena was sure every action from here on out would meet with criticism. Lena would never be able to meet Lillian’s standards, she’d never be able to gain her approval.

 

So why did she always try so damned hard to do so?

 

Lost in thought, it took Lena a moment upon opening the doors to realize it was absolutely pouring rain. She stood beneath the awning and stared up at the sky with something like betrayal written across her face – honestly, was even the universe against her now? – shivering in her too-thin sweater because she hadn’t thought to change. Part of her thought she might be able to wait it out, but even as the idea entered her head, it seemed to rain harder.

 

Damn it.

 

Resigned now, Lena tugged her sweater more firmly around herself and prepared to walk the nineteen blocks to her new apartment.

 

And a hand caught her arm.

 

Lena jolted and jerked away so hard that she almost toppled backwards onto the sidewalk, but that same hand clamped onto her waist and steadied her with a surprisingly strong grip. She found herself staring into the face of none other than Kara Danvers, whose hand dropped immediately back to her side as she winced and offered a rather crooked smile. The whole situation was rather reminiscent of their first meeting.

 

Lena narrowed her eyes at Kara and the bright red umbrella she held, wondering if everyone had gotten the weather memo but her.

 

“Tell me, Miss Danvers,” she began, annoyed with how breathless she sounded, “Do you make a habit of scaring the life out of everyone or are you trying to kill me specifically?” And she mostly meant it as a joke, but her tone was flat and she knew it was hard to tell with her. People often misunderstood her dark sense of humor and Lena just as often found herself yearning for Lex’s company instead.

 

(The Lex she’d known. The Lex who’d welcomed her into the Luthor household and shown her how to keep the monsters in her closet from coming into the room. The Lex who’d listened patiently when she’d cried, who’d defended her to their mother, who’d taught her how to talk to pretty girls with absolutely no judgment even after Lillian threatened to disown her.

 

Oh, she missed that Lex so much that it hurt.)

 

Across from her, Kara laughed a little and scrubbed her hand over the back of her neck before she fiddled with the arm of her glasses and met Lena’s gaze.

 

“Just you,” she said easily. “Most people don’t find me half as intimidating as you seem to.”

 

Lena quirked an eyebrow and let her gaze roam down and up the length of her before meeting her eyes squarely. She could see the color creeping into Kara’s cheeks and it made her smile faintly. No, Kara was hardly intimidating, she thought. It wasn’t that. It was just that she never failed to catch Lena off-guard with her easy touches and light greetings. She wasn’t used to people acting so warm towards her and it was… startling. Yes, that was a good word for it.

 

But right now wasn’t the time to be standing here chatting about Kara’s level of intimidation. It was raining and cold and she had a long walk ahead of her.

 

“Did you need something?” she asked, and when Kara shook her head, Lena gave her a nod and then turned to step out into the rain. Except the instant soaking she’d expected didn’t come. She remained dry, and a moment later realized that Kara had followed her with her bright red umbrella over both of their heads.

 

“What are you doing?” Lena asked, exasperated, peering sideways at Kara. Kara only smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

 

“Can’t get sick before your audition. Where’s your car? I’ll walk you there.”

 

“I walked.”

 

“Oh.” Kara frowned and glanced behind her. It was only then that Lena noticed three woman standing beneath their own umbrellas on the other side of the awning, the tallest of the them looking rather impatient while the other two chatted amicably. The shortest of the three she recognized as one of the dancers from the company – Lucy something or other – but she didn’t know the other two. It didn’t matter. They were obviously waiting for Kara and Lena wasn’t about to keep her.

 

“It’s fine, Kara. I’ll make it home. Please, go have fun with your friends.”

 

“Oh, but...” Kara bit her lip and Lena realized she’d reached out again, her fingers curled into the sleeve of Lena’s sweater to keep her from going anywhere.

 

It should have irritated her, but Lena found herself effectively frozen by the gesture, silent and waiting as her already twisted stomach seemed to flip in on itself. Slowly, very slowly, she glanced up from the hand at her sleeve to the face of the woman holding her. Kara looked back at her and there was a beat of silence, something passing between them that made Lena feel breathless. Kara’s eyes flickered over her face and Lena wondered what she saw, what she thought, what she _felt._

 

( _Is your heart racing too?_ She wanted to ask, but she couldn’t find the words. Wouldn’t use them even if she could.)

 

“Don’t go home,” Kara requested quietly. “This is our last free weekend for like… forever. You should have some fun.” When Lena didn’t refute the claim, a small smile began to creep across Kara’s features again. “Me and Lucy and Alex and Maggie are going out dancing. There’s this place that does free pizza with drink orders over thirty dollars. You could come. I could drive you home later since I’m the designated driver tonight.”

 

And honestly? The idea of pizza and alcohol within a week of an audition sounded like an absolutely terrible idea. Even thinking of the grease and the sugar and the _calories_ made Lena feel nauseated.

 

But Kara was watching her so hopefully that Lena found herself unable to voice her refusal.

 

The hesitation seemed to encourage Kara, whose smile grew tenfold. She dropped her hand from Lena’s sleeve to her fingers, easing them off the strap of her bag with a gentle tug. “Come on, Lena,” she persuaded. “Come out with us. I promise we’re good company.” She glanced over her shoulder again and Lena saw those three women watching them now- or, well, watching Kara probably. They didn’t care about her.

 

“Kara, I don’t know. I don’t think your friends will want me tagging along,” she murmured. But there was a strange longing in her chest, a yearning not unlike what she felt when she watched the children in their dances classes after practice.

 

 _You’re not here for friends,_ she reminded herself. But another small voice whispered, _what could it hurt?_

 

“Well first of all, Alex is my sister, so she pretends to be cooler than all of my friends anyway,” Kara said with a roll of blue eyes. Lena couldn’t help but note that despite the feigned disdain, there was affection in every word, in the softening of her smile and the slight tilt of her head.

 

(Would it have been like this with Lex, if he hadn’t…?)

 

“You already know Lucy so you’ll have dance stuff to talk about at least. And Maggie is super cool and gets along with pretty much everyone so I don’t see that being a problem. Plus she’ll keep Alex in line so like… bonus.”

 

“Well...” Lena twisted the strap of her bag around and around, twisted it back again, chewed her lip in a nervous habit she’d thought she was done with. “If… if you’re sure.”

 

Kara’s expression softened and she squeezed Lena’s fingers gently. “I’m sure.”

 

She didn’t give Lena further opportunity to talk herself out of it, but instead tugged her towards the waiting trio. Lena watched them with a carefully neutral expression, saw a frown tug at the lips of the tallest while the only familiar one (Lucy Lane, that was it) lifted her eyebrows. The third only smiled, her hands shoved into the back pockets of her jeans as she leaned into the side of the tallest one, sharing space in order to stay beneath her umbrella.

 

“Who’s your friend, Kara?” she asked.

 

“Lena Luthor,” Lucy answered before Kara could. Lena tensed at the sound of her own name, watched how the effect of it rippled through the group. The tallest – Alex, if she were to venture a guess – exchanged a look with Lucy and set her free hand on her hip. The one that must have been Maggie looked surprised, then thoughtful, though her rather amiable smile didn’t waver for more than a second.

 

“Lena’s going to go with us to Noonan’s,” Kara said, and there was something almost defiant in the tilt of her chin as she looked from one to the next. “She needs to have fun just as much as the rest of us.”

 

“Didn’t know Lena Luthor knew how to do fun,” Lucy murmured. Lena stiffened, but otherwise gave away nothing as she met the other dancer’s gaze head on. Lucy looked back at her a moment and then shrugged, shifting her umbrella from one hand to the other. “I’m cool with it, but can we get going? It’s fucking freezing out here.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lena,” Maggie added. She knocked her hip into Alex’s and the pair turned together with Lucy walking nearby, their umbrellas bumping as they pulled ahead of Lena and Kara.

 

Lena watched as Alex looped an arm around Maggie’s shoulders and Maggie slung hers low around Alex’s waist and she wondered, but she didn’t ask. It wasn’t her business.

 

“See,” Kara said, tucking Lena’s arm into the crook of her own as they followed after the other three. “They’re fine with it.”

 

Lena shot her a dry look.

 

“Okay, so they’re… tentatively open to the idea. It’ll be fun, Lena, I swear. And I’ll stick with you the whole night so it doesn’t even matter if they’re being jerks because you’ll have me. Deal?”

 

She sighed and wondered if anyone ever actually _won_ against Kara Danvers and her disarming ability to charm even the most difficult of people.

 

(People like Lena, who were not easily charmed; people who didn’t _want_ to be charmed by pretty girls and their sunshine smiles.)

 

“Deal.”

 

//

 

Dance clubs, as it turned out, were very loud and dark with flashing lights and glassy floors. The entire space seemed to vibrate from the pulsing bass and there were bodies everywhere. It was certainly a far cry from anything she was used to and as the five of them stepped through the doors (slightly damp now from running from the car to the doors, the umbrellas left behind in Kara’s back seat), Lena eyed it all a bit warily, unable to stop herself from sidestepping closer to Kara.

 

She might have only known her a few weeks – and then only barely – but Kara was her anchor in this unfamiliar situation. She was her only connection to this time, this place, and without her, Lena was afraid she might feel rather disconnected from this reality. It was like she’d entered an alternate dimension, one as different from classical music and _pointe_ shoes as possible.

 

On her rare weekends off, Lena… well, she didn’t actually take time off. Her mother had her in the studio of her private home, working extra hours to perfect her technique. When she managed to go home, she would put on some documentary off of Netflix and soak her feet in Epsom salt. Sometimes she indulged in half a glass of wine, but that was a luxury she saved for her particularly bad nights when the solitude was overwhelming.

 

She’d never done something as simple as go out with friends for pizza and drinks and dancing and she was sure it showed.

 

Not that Kara seemed to mind. She looked around and pointed animatedly towards a row of tables, one of which was just being vacated by a group of clearly inebriated individuals. Then, to Lena’s complete and utter shock, she took her hand and all but ran towards it, weaving expertly through the crowd until she could tag the table in an obvious claim. Her free hand slammed down onto it with perhaps a bit too much enthusiasm, rattling the empty glasses. The music was too loud for anyone but Lena to notice anyway.

 

“Sorry, these things go fast,” she said, leaning in close to Lena’s ear so that she didn’t have to shout over the music. “You have to grab them kind of fast. Here, sit.” She grinned and gave Lena a gentle nudge, urging her to slide onto the circular bench surrounding the table. The other three caught up then, Alex rolling her eyes with obvious fondness at her sister as they slid in from the other side; first Maggie, then Alex, then Lucy.

 

Kara looked from them to Lena with a smile, leaning across the table from where she still stood to speak to her again. “I usually go up and get all the drinks and we Venmo later. Good?”

 

“Venmo?” Lena echoed uncertainly.

 

“Oh. It’s… a money sharing app. Instead of dealing in cash? But if you don’t have it, you can just settle with me later.”

 

Lena felt heat stain her cheeks. She didn’t have the app because, well, who would she ever need to share money with? Kara wasn’t pushing her about it though so she only nodded her agreement, a brief smile touching her lips before it was swallowed up by her nerves. “Yes, that would be lovely, thank you.”

 

“Cool.” Kara smiled again, her fingers tapping against the table. “Sooo… I know what those three order. What’s your drink preference?”

 

Lena somehow doubted this place housed a good Malbec wine, so she lifted a shoulder and murmured, “Surprise me.”

 

The answer seemed to please Kara, whose eyes lit with the challenge. She straightened up and gathered the empties from the table’s previous occupants before heading towards the bar, Lena looking after her. It hadn’t occurred to her until this moment that with Kara up at the bar, Lena was left only with these three women she didn’t really know. Since her bag was in the car, leaving her hands completely empty, she defaulted to twisting her fingers together instead. Her eyes flickered over the club instead of focusing on the women sharing the booth with her because, god, it was just so awkward.

 

“Don’t worry, we usually save the drawing and quartering for afterwe’re drunk.”

 

The voice at her ear had Lena turning sharply, only to find Maggie grinning at her. The other two were absorbed in conversation (though Lena noted with some apprehension that Alex leaned slightly into Maggie despite the fact her attention was on Lucy, and surely that didn’t mean… but what if it did?)

 

“Excuse me?” she managed, her voice a bit stiff as her gaze shifted from their pressed shoulders to Maggie’s considering gaze.

 

“You look ready to bolt, Luthor. Relax. We’re here to have fun.” And Lena wanted to believe that this woman was trying to include her in that, but when had anyone ever? Especially anyone who knew her last name, who knew what she came from? She pressed her lips together to keep from digging her teeth into the lower one, eyes scanning the crowd for signs of Kara. Nothing yet. She couldn’t even see signs of her from where they sat. She’d been absorbed into the crowd.

 

“This isn’t exactly my usual evening activity,” she returned. “I’m not used to…” A hand lifted and waved towards the crowded dance floor, trying to encompass everything about this place in a single gesture. Maggie laughed and shook her head.

 

“I get it. It’s not really my thing either, but I’m not here for, you know...” She waved a hand in a gesture meant to imitate Lena’s, still grinning. “I’m here for them. Alex, Lucy. Kara.” She looked back to Lena, cheeks dimpling as her smile grew. “She kind of steamrolled you into coming with, huh?”

 

Lena blew out a breath. Something in her uncoiled, relaxing as Maggie offered her a friendly shoulder bump. “I don’t know how on Earth she got me to agree.”

 

“The Danvers sisters are very persuasive,” Maggie agreed. She looked sideways at Alex, who was gesticulating wildly now as she told some story to Lucy. Everything about her softened and Lena looked from one to the other, that same sneaking suspicion from before tightening in her gut. She nearly asked, as Alex was otherwise engaged and Maggie seemed like she didn’t mind chatting with Lena, but Kara suddenly appeared as if summoned from the crowd and the other three cheered as she dropped drinks in front of them. Maggie and Alex both received tall glasses of foaming beer, Lucy some drink caught between pink and orange with a cherry on top. Lena was given something blue and icy while Kara’s drink appeared to be just a regular Coke.

 

“Danny’s gonna bring the pizza over in a minute,” she called out to the table. There was another cheer as Kara slid into the booth, sandwiching Lena between Maggie and herself. Maggie offered a smile and then tuned suddenly into the conversation with the other two, interjecting something Lena couldn’t hear that made Alex smile at her.

 

And then- yes, there it was. She leaned in and pressed her curved lips to Maggie’s.

 

It was quick and light and they went back to their conversation like it was nothing, But Lena felt her stomach dip, her cheeks flush. She looked quickly away and down into her drink, swirling it around and around as she tried to settle herself again.

 

 _(_ Her mind drifted to another time, another conversation, words that bit into her as her mother stood with her arms folded in icy disapproval.

 

“ _Do you think people like that find success, Lena? Do you think_ you _would succeed if people thought you were that way?”_

 

“ _But what about being happy?”_ Lena had asked, her voice small and scared. She was sixteen, only sixteen, and all she wanted in the world was for Lillian Luthor to love her for who she was.

 

Her mother’s laughter was cold and it was all the answer she gave.

 

Lena understood.)

 

 

“They’re dating.”

 

The words drew Lena out of her own head and she glanced towards Kara. For the first time since meeting her a handful of weeks ago, the other girl was frowning at her, hand tight around her Coke as she adjusted her glasses with the other.

 

“Maggie and Alex. They’re dating. I didn’t think to mention it earlier, to be honest.” Her eyes flitted to her sister and Maggie before switching back again. There was something slightly accusing there. Or… maybe not accusing, but disappointed. It made Lena’s stomach pitch. “I didn’t think it’d be an issue for you.”

 

“Kara...”

 

“I can bring you home if you’re uncomfortable.”

 

Lena felt her blood run cold at that. She really hadn’t been looking for a friend – she didn’t want one, didn’t have the _time_ for one – but suddenly faced with the idea of losing her, she didn’t want to let go. “They seem happy,” she blurted, a little desperately, her head ducking down. “I was just thinking that they… they look happy.”

 

“Oh.” The stiffness in Kara’s shoulders eased slowly, and though she was studying Lena uncertainly, it wasn’t long before a smile replaced the frown. Soft and sweet and kind. She looked from Lena to the couple beside her and back again, her fondness so obvious that Lena ached with it.

 

(Lex had been that for her once. Her supporter, her protector. Now he probably wanted her dead.)

 

“They are. Maggie’s probably one of the best things that’s ever happened for Alex. They’re like, basically made for each other to be honest.” Beneath the table, Kara’s foot bumped lightly into Lena’s, startling her out of her thoughts again. “Are you gonna try your drink? You said to surprise you. I wasn’t sure what kind you liked. You know, dairy based? Chocolatey? Fruity? I went with tropical. It’s called a blurricane.” She laughed at the name and tapped a finger against the glass. “Try it.”

 

Glad for the change in subject, Lena looked down at her drink again. The rim was coated in something – salt? Sugar? Either way, something completely unhealthy – and the color seemed rather unnatural, but Kara had gone to the trouble. So she lifted the glass and brought it gingerly to her lips, taking a small sip (sugar, definitely sugar).

 

Her eyes went wide.

 

“This… this is _amazing_ ,” she breathed, this time taking a larger sip. Kara laughed and sipped her Coke, sparkling eyes watching Lena over the rim. Lena smiled back (small and shy and uncertain, things she wasn’t even aware of, though Kara was) as Kara gently clinked their glasses together. “Thank you, Kara.”

 

“Anytime,” she murmured softly, and Lena couldn’t hear it over the music, but she saw Kara’s lips form the word and it was enough to make her hope she’d be invited again. That Kara would want her around again. “Just be careful,” Kara continued, a little louder now. “Those are stronger than they seem.”

 

Lena only nodded and sipped again.

 

Kara’s attention shifted then to the other three women at the table and she joined their conversation, effortlessly bringing Lena in along with her. Though she didn’t have much to say, she found that she quite enjoyed their stories and even joined in on their laughter, though she contributed more quiet smiles than anything. She might’ve felt intrusive but for Kara’s presence beside her, warm and just barely pressed into her side, her eyes occasionally finding Lena’s and her questions inviting her to participate.

 

One drink became three (plus a couple of rounds of shots that Lucy insisted on treating them to and the two free pizzas they’d managed to wrangle with their drink orders) and Lena was feeling rather warm and loose when Kara suddenly shouted, “I love this song!” and tugged at her arm to get her out onto the dance floor with her. (Alex and Maggie, as it turned out, weren’t huge dancers. Lucy was, but she’d already disappeared into the crowd some time before them, as Kara claimed she always did).

 

“I’m not really sure how to do this type of dancing,” Lena said.

 

“What?” Kara shouted back, laughing as she looped her arms around Lena’s waist and tugged her in. “Can’t hear you!”

 

Lena couldn’t really hear her either – could only make out the words, she realized, because she was staring at Kara’s mouth – and so she let herself give in and tried to settle into the rhythm of the music. It really wasn’t too hard to match the beat and there were too many bodies to do much more than kind of shift around in place in any case.

 

Now that she was standing, Lena could feel the drinks a lot more. Her head was spinning and she found the lack of inhibitions thrilling. Her arms came up seemingly of their own accord and fell across Kara’s shoulders, crossing at the wrists just behind her neck. She was smiling, she realized. Really, truly, smiling, and Kara was grinning right back at her, and oh god, she was so… so _beautiful_ and it wasn’t fair, really. It wasn’t fair to be that pretty, that _distracting_ , when Lena wasn’t supposed to be thinking like this.

 

(But Lena’s body pressed closer and her head fell dizzily onto Kara’s shoulder and she smelled like warm vanilla sugar and sunshine and it wasn’t _fair.)_

 

“You okay, drunkie?” Kara asked against her ear and Lena only smiled a bit wider.

 

(She wasn’t even aware of her lips pressing to Kara’s thrumming pulse, didn’t even notice when Kara went still, but she felt it when she hugged her tighter.)

 

“Come on, we should head out,” Kara said when the song ended, leading Lena from the dance floor again.

 

Alex and Maggie were still in the booth, obviously lost in each others’ company. Lena watched them, wide-eyed and so, so envious, her body swaying slightly as Kara released her to go speak to them. Their eyes shifted to where she stood and Lena felt suddenly self-conscious, wondering if she’d been caught staring. But no, Kara had said something that made them look – that they were leaving? – and Maggie was waving goodbye and Alex was smirking and oh, Kara was returning now, wasn’t that nice?

 

“They’re going to find Lucy and grab a Lyft,” Kara murmured, taking Lena’s hand again as she led the way to the door. Lena nodded because Lyft, at least, was an app she knew about.

 

“That’s a car service,” she said, quite proud of herself for that bit of knowledge. Kara looked over at her and laughed quietly, her head tilting in agreement.

 

“Sure is. Come on.”

 

It was cold outside, but the rain had stopped, leaving everything looking slightly misty. Pleased to be out of the crowd, Lena inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, spinning a bit in the parking lot. It was only her innate grace that kept her upright through the gesture, and Kara’s gentle hand that kept her upright when she stopped moving but the world kept spinning.

 

“This has been so lovely,” she murmured, opening bleary green eyes to focus on Kara. Kara smiled and brushed a hand down her hair before dropping her hand again.

 

“I’m glad. Now come on.” She got Lena into the car at last and carefully buckled her in before rounding the hood tot he driver’s side. She started the car and blasted the heat before looking expectantly to Lena. Lena looked right back at her and wondered what she was waiting for. “Lena… I need your address, honey,” she said softly.

 

Ah, yes. Kara had no idea where she lived. But the thought of her apartment had the warm bubble of contentment in her chest threatening to burst and she didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to give it. She didn’t want this to be over because who knew when she’d ever get a chance to feel like this again? Like a normal person with friends and dancing and alcohol and…

 

“Lena?” Kara reached out, fingers delicately tucking a strand of black, sweat-damp hair behind her ear. “Come on, let me drive you home.”

 

“But I… I don’t want to go home,” she whispered. And to her horror (for even drunk, a Luthor never cried), Lena felt her eyes flood with tears. “Please, Kara, not yet. I don’t w-want-”

 

Kara’s eyes went wide as a tear spilled over and she leaned instantly across the console, gathering Lena up in a hug so warm that Lena decided she never wanted it to end either. She sank into her, buried her face against her shoulder, and wept.

 

“Okay,” Kara whispered, stroking her hair and back, shushing her softly in a way meant to sooth rather than stifle. “Okay, Lena. You don’t have to go home. I promise.”

 

Lena hiccuped and nodded and pressed her face closer, fingers gripping tight to Kara’s sweater.

 

“I have you,” Kara whispered over and over.

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, drop me a note here and lemme know what you think. You can always find me on tumblr @proudlyunicorn as well. (:


	3. chaînés

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Again, any errors are mine. Blah blah, the usual.
> 
> I also wanted to note, because a few people have asked, that Lena is younger here than in canon (twenty-two as opposed to an estimated 28-30) so she doesn't have the confidence or sense of independence that canon Lena has.  
> I also want to point out that, while I make allusions to Kara's superpowers, those allusions are just for fun for the readers. This Kara is human.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please make sure to drop a comment if you're liking the story. (:

She woke in the dark, skin clammy and stomach churning.

 

The bile that rose in her throat had Lena jolting upright and clambering from the bed, only to realize that she had absolutely no idea where she was. The room she stood in was dark and unfamiliar and the door was not where it was in her apartment, leaving her disoriented. And her stomach, oh, it was rebelling vehemently now _._ She whimpered and stumbled forward with something bordering on desperation, groping along the wall in a frantic search for a door handle or a light switch or _something._ Anything that could aid in her escape. Her hand smacked into something hard and sent it crashing to the floor – picture frame? – and she started at the sound of it.

 

“Lena?”

 

Her gaze shot back towards the bed and there was just enough moonlight for her to make out Kara’s sleep-heavy features. She’d apparently been laying on top of the covers beside Lena and now sat up, the afghan she’d been covered with pooling around her waist. “Are you okay?” she asked, a hand lifting to rub tiredly at her eyes. Lena might have felt guilty for waking her, but her mouth was flooding with saliva, a sure sign she was about to be sick, and she could only whimper again in response.

 

It seemed to be a good enough answer because Kara was suddenly up and at her side, fingers gentle at her arm as she guided her toward the door. “You’re okay,” she soothed, leading Lena down a hallway as dark as the bedroom. There was only a single source of light, a nightlight plugged in at the other end that cast a soft glow across their feet. “I’ve got you, honey, hold on.” She pushed open the bathroom door and Lena scrambled towards the toilet with desperate relief, just managing to make it to her knees before her stomach emptied itself. Wrapping her arms around the bowl, Lena heaved, every muscle in her body seizing with the violence of it. Kara sat beside her with her fingers tangled in her hair, holding the wild mass of it from Lena’s face as she was sick.

 

When it showed no signs of relenting, Kara somehow managed to find a hair tie, securing Lena’s hair before disappearing from the room. Lena was equal parts relieved and dismayed at her exit. She supposed it wasn’t unexpected. Who wanted to sit by and watch someone empty their stomach into a toilet bowl? It was certainly not Lena’s most graceful moment.

 

After long minutes, her system seemed to settle a bit and Lena flushed the toilet, then folded her arms across the seat. Her head dropped tiredly down on top of them and Lena wondered if it would be strange to just fall asleep here, safely where she needed to be in case she felt sick again.

 

There was no chance to drift off, however, before Kara reappeared. The fact she came back at all was a shock and Lena couldn’t help but stare, watching her as she came further into the room. She gave Lena a small smile, hand shoving back her own tousled hair as she set a glass of water on the floor by Lena’s knee.

 

(Had she used her own hair tie to keep Lena’s hair from her face? The thought was… completely baffling.)

 

“Here, let’s try this.” Her voice was soft as she knelt beside Lena again, and a moment later a blessedly cool cloth was lain across the back of her neck. A muffled groan escaped into the crook of her elbow and green eyes did close then, heavy and grateful. Kara’s answering chuckle was soft, as was the hand she rubbed in gentle circles at the small of Lena’s back. “Not much of a drinker, are you?”

 

If there had been anything in her tone but gentle understanding, Lena might’ve denied it. But that was all Kara’s voice held, and when Lena looked up at her through the shadows of predawn, that was all her eyes held as well. So she sighed and whispered, “I’ve never done anything like that,” and it didn’t feel quite so pathetic with Kara’s fingers scratching lightly over her back.

 

Kara didn’t say anything for awhile, just sat there in a silence that was more companionable than anything. There was no condemnation, not joke at Lena’s expense. She didn’t make fun of her or sneer at her lack of experience. Not that Lena truly believed she would do any of those things, but she noted it in any case as the quiet stretched out and Kara continued to trace light fingers up and down the curve of her spine.

 

“This is the crappiest part of a fun night out,” Kara murmured at last. “I’m sorry. Next time we’ll set a limit.”

 

“Next time?” Lena echoed.

 

“Mhm. If you want to do it again, I mean. You don’t have to. We could always do something else.” Kara reached out and grabbed the glass of water again, scooting closer to Lena as she did so. She didn’t seem to notice how still Lena was, frozen in place by the idea that Kara would still want to spend time with her after this mess. “Think you can stomach some of this?” she asked, and Lena hesitated before nodding. Kara gave her an encouraging smile and brought the glass up to her lips, held it there while Lena took slow sips.

 

When her head felt too heavy to hold up, Lena leaned back and dropped it down onto her arms again. Kara placed the glass on the floor and let her hand find Lena’s head now, fingers gently pressing to the base of her skull and scratching into her hair until Lena was drifting closer to sleep. And maybe it was because she wasn’t yet wholly sober, but she found herself mumbling, “This part is nice.”

 

“What, throwing up?” Kara teased. Lena’s lips curved slightly and she gave her head a half shake where it was still pressed into the crook of her arm.

 

“Being taken care of.”

 

No one had ever done this for her before. Not like this.

 

(Once upon a time, Lex had been a human being who’d loved her and he’d done his best, but he’d still only been a boy, just a handful of years older than herself. He’d had his selfish streaks as well, times when he didn’t want to be beholden to his little sister.

 

And Lillian? Lillian would only sigh her disappointment.

 

“ _If you are truly dedicated, Lena, you will still get your practice time in today. And I do expect you to be dedicated.”)_

 

Kara sighed and leaned in close. So close that Lena could smell her – rain and vanilla – and feel the warmth of her against her side. So close that Lena’s heart kicked into overdrive. She felt a gentle pressure at the back of her head and realized that Kara had pressed a kiss there, soft and sweet and careful.

 

“I like taking care of people,” she confessed, her cheek laying against Lena’s hair, her breath tickling across her neck. “And I’m happy you’re here. I mean.” She laughed a little, nose pressed just behind Lena’s ear now, and Lena swore she had to be able to feel the way her pulse was racing. “I’m sorry you’re sick, but I’m happy you’re here. Does that make sense?”

 

Lena exhaled shakily. “Not really.”

 

Kara laughed again and shrugged. Then all at once she was leaning back, fingers gentle as they pushed sweat-damp hair from Lena’s forehead. “You’re probably right. Come on, drunkie. Let’s get you back into bed.”

 

Confused and just a little breathless, Lena nodded her assent. Within minutes, she was back in Kara’s bed. Kara lay over the covers again, tugging the afghan up around her shoulders, but Lena could still feel the heat of her at her side. Comforted, soothed, she closed her eyes. It wasn’t much longer before she was sleeping again.

 

And despite everything, she’d never slept quite so peacefully.

 

//

 

Lena woke with a dry mouth, a pounding head, and a regrettably intact memory of the night before.

 

The room was much lighter now, though the sunlight was muted by drawn blinds, and she had to fight the urge to roll over and yank the blankets over her head (it wouldn’t be difficult, as the other side of the bed was now empty). And because it wouldn’t be hard, Lena forced herself to sit up, hissing quietly when her entire body seemed to throb. Standing felt like an impossible task and Lena stalled, aching eyes flickering over Kara’s room.

 

It was done in twilight blues and forest greens, a lot less frilly than Lena might have thought. There were pictures everywhere; on the dresser, on the walls, taped to the full length mirror, on the nightstand Lena’s gaze shifted to (a picture of Kara and Alex as teenagers), where she also discovered a glass of ice water and two blue pills. Advil. A godsend. Lena silently thanked Kara, wherever she was.

 

And thinking of Kara brought everything full circle because suddenly she was thinking of last night. Not just the dancing and the drinking, but the quiet minutes spent in Kara’s small bathroom. She remembered them and hated that she did, that she could. Some things were better off forgotten. And long minutes spent throwing up and yammering on about something as silly as being taken care of… God, she wasn’t sure how she was going to live with that embarrassment.

 

It was best to leave and act as if none of it had ever happened, she decided as she picked up the pills and drank them down. Yes, much better for both of them if this whole incident was never repeated.

 

Lena tossed back the blankets tangled around her body and found that she was, to her surprise, quite without pants. When had she removed her jeans? Her sweater was missing too so that she was left only in her undershirt and undergarments. Had Kara taken them off? That whole part was blurry and Lena made some strangled sound of embarrassment, shooting up off of the mattress.

 

And there, folded across the end of the bed, was a small pile of clothes.

 

There was a note on top that read _wear me!_ with a smiley face sketched just below the words.

 

Lena's hand hovered uncertainly over the clothing, eyes tracing the words over and over. Her heart was beating quickly again, but it was a light sort of fluttering beat that left her breathless and unsteady. A hand reached out and brushed almost reverently over the faded blue of the hoodie before she snapped herself out of it. They were just clothes.

 

She reached out and lifted the first article of clothing, the sweatshirt from Metropolis University. Had Kara gone there or did she only know someone who had? Was it hers? An ex’s? Her sister’s? After another moment's hesitation, she tugged it on over her torso, pulling at the hem until it settled comfortably. Almost immediately she was assaulted with the familiar scent of Kara Danvers, surrounded by her until she was all Lena could breathe in. In was intoxicating as much as it was terrifying.

 

Really, she hardly knew Kara. It shouldn't be this easy for her to undo her.

 

Lena shook off the thoughts and pulled on the sweatpants next, felt them sag a little around her hips and bunch at her feet. They were just a few inches too long, but they were comfortable. She’d never had clothing like this before. Her mother had thought them far too casual and Luthors were all about image. There was no place for them where Lena was from.

 

Without giving herself time to think about it, Lena picked up the hand-written note and stuffed it into the front pocket of the sweatshirt.

 

(She wanted to hang onto it because… well. She didn't really understand why. She just did.)

 

Then she padded towards the door and stepped quietly out into Kara's apartment.

 

She found Kara in the kitchen still dressed in sleep shorts and a tank top, her hair piled high in a messy bun atop her head. The radio was playing on low and Kara was bopping her hips along to the music, singing under her breath as she flipped pancakes. Her voice was soft and melodic and Lena couldn't help but pause in the doorway of the kitchen, watching and listening with that same fluttering feeling back in her chest.

 

(Kara could _sing_ and Lena found herself wishing her own voice was decent enough to join in.)

 

The whole scene was incredibly sweet and, like the note in her pocket, Lena wanted to hold onto it for as long as possible.

 

It only lasted for a minute or two, however, before Kara executed some sort of silly turn and jolted when she spotted Lena in the doorway. A breathless laugh escaped her and she pressed a hand to her chest as if to prevent her heart from leaping right out of it.

 

“Lena! You scared me." She laughed again and shook her head, hand shifting up to shove stray wisps of hair from her brow. "I guess it was your turn though, huh?”

 

Lena felt a smile tugging at the corners of her lips and she pressed them tightly together in defense, struggling for indifference. She didn't want to be endeared by the smudge of flour on Kara's cheek or the somewhat bashful smile she was offering. She couldn't afford to be. There was no time for any of this nonsense. Not when auditions were less than a week away.

 

What would mother say?

 

"I apologize for last night, Kara," she said, just a bit too formally. She wished she could be light about it, that she could smile and laugh and shake it off like it was no big deal. But it _was._ It was a big deal for Lena, as it would be for her mother when she realized. (And she always realized.) “I didn't mean to overstay my welcome here. I should have just given you my address last night."

 

Her gaze fell away even as Kara’s smile did, focused instead on her hands. She wasn't too surprised to find her fingers twisted tightly together, but quickly dropped both hands back to her side in any case, forcing herself to look more composed than she actually was.

 

"It really wasn’t a problem, Lena. I liked having you," Kara said after a moment. Lena could feel her eyes on her, but she kept her own gaze carefully focused at a point just over her shoulder. She didn't think she could stand looking straight at her now, here in her kitchen with breakfast on the stove and Kara's impromptu kitchen dancing still fresh in her mind. "I washed your clothes for you. They're out by your bag.”

 

"Thank you," Lena said quietly, nodding along to her own words even as she shifted back a step towards the living room. Time to make her escape.

 

As if pulled by thread, Kara jerked a step forward when Lena stepped back, then closed the space between them. She took her hand tentatively and Lena looked down at their joined fingers with some surprise, not quite certain why she’d allowed the gesture.

 

(Maybe because there was some small part of herself that had wanted Kara to stop her.)

 

"Please stay?” Kara tapped Lena’s chin lightly with the index finger of her other hand, drawing her gaze up to meet blue once again. Those eyes searched Lena’s face and it left her breathless. They seemed brighter for some reason and it took Lena a moment to realize it was because she was seeing them without the barrier of her glasses for the first time, as they were pushed up on top of Kara’s head. “I made so much food and you'd really be doing me a favor if you could eat some of it and take it off my hands and I wasn't really… I mean, I didn't expect you to rush out of here so soon.”

 

Lena looked at the giant stack of pancakes on a plate beside the stove and lifted her eyebrows. "Kara, you cooked enough for ten people." This time she couldn't quite suppress the smile that curled the corners of her lips.

 

"Oh." Kara gave her a small, shy smile and laughed a little, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Yeah, I get a little carried away when I'm cooking. I mean I eat a lot, but not usually this much. And, you know, I wasn’t sure how much you’d eat."

 

“Definitely not that much.”

 

Kara laughed again and shrugged in a sort of _what can you do?_ gesture, shifting backwards again to flip the last pancake on top of the stack. "So you'll stay to help me eat some of this?" she asked, looking back over her shoulder to where Lena still stood hovering in the doorway.

 

Lena eyed the pile of food and knew that just one pancake contained her caloric intake for probably the whole day. Her mother would be disgusted with her if she knew she was even considering saying yes. So Lena shook her head, almost regretful now as she met Kara's gaze again. "Thank you for cooking and for everything you did for me last night and this morning, but I really do need to get home. My mother will be concerned when she doesn't hear from me.”

 

And maybe _concerned_ was not quite the right word, but Kara didn't need to know that. Besides, Lena wasn't sure she could explain exactly what her mother would be like if she knew about all of this, if she realized Lena had never gone home last night. There would be accusations and probably another lecture before additional hours were added to her practice time.

 

Lena's mother was very strict when it came to her diet and the time she spent exercising. And though technically she had no say in what Lena did with her free time as she was, in fact, an adult, there wasn't a lot of that to begin with and she usually had something to say in any case. Actions, she was fond of saying, led to repercussions.

 

But oh, she hated how her refusal brought disappointment to Kara's eyes, had her smile falling again until it was small and sad. "I understand," she said softly as she twisted the knob of the burner off. "Let me just get dressed and I'll take you home.”

 

 

"Oh, that's alright, Kara. I'll call a car. There's no need for you to go through the trouble.”

 

"Lena, really. It's no big deal. And, you know, I… I kind of want to take you myself? If that's okay."

 

If that was okay? It was… so much more than okay. She wished she could tell her that.

 

But again Lena found herself rendered speechless By Kara Danvers so that she could only nod in response. She was rewarded by an almost blinding smile and then Kara was darting quickly past her, heading back towards the bedroom.

 

Lena decided that whatever trouble she was in today, it would be worth this moment.

 

//

  
“Wow. Nice place.” Kara pulled up in front of her building and Lena followed her gaze, trying to see it as Kara would. She supposed it was rather nice as far as apartment buildings went, far more lavish than any regular ballet dancer could afford. But Lena was not a regular dancer. She was a Luthor, and this place was a constant reminder of that.

 

If she wasn’t living there, maybe she could’ve taken pleasure from the well-tended gardens and the polished gleam of steel and glass. As it was, however, it felt more like a prison than a home.

 

(There were no family pictures on Lena’s walls, no coats strewn over the backs of chairs, no shoes kicked off in a corner, no color or vibrancy or warmth.

 

She was already dreading going inside.)

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

Lena looked from the building back to Kara, chin dipping slightly in a half nod. It was permission enough.

 

“Last night, you… you said you didn’t want to come back here. Why?”

 

It wasn’t at all the question she’d expected and Lena went stiff, fingers curling tight around the strap of her bag. She couldn’t remember that part of the night very clearly, wasn’t quite sure what she’d said. So… she gave a half truth. “I suppose I… wasn’t ready to give up our time together,” she said, voice slow and carefully measured. “All of us, I mean. I’ve never really let myself just… be with people before, like that. It was fun.” She gave Kara a small smile and reached for the door handle. “Thank you again.”

 

Kara nodded slowly, still watching Lena. Lena couldn’t read her, wasn’t quite sure she’d been convincing.

 

But then Kara was smiling again, the serious expression lost behind dimpling cheeks. Before Lena could react, she was leaning across the console and cupping one cheek, lips pressing to the other. “Bye, Lena. See you Monday.” She pulled back, still smiling, and Lena gave a blank nod before sliding from the car.

 

She stood there on the sidewalk and watched her drive away, heat burning in her face and chest. It wasn’t fair, it simply wasn’t fair, that Kara Danvers could make her feel like this. It was so inappropriate, and so ill-timed. It couldn’t happen. It simply couldn’t happen, and yet…

 

She was still standing in front of her building, staring after a car that wasn’t there.

 

Lena sighed and turned, securing her bag more firmly over her shoulder as she stepped through the doors at the front of her building. She was greeted with marble floors and long mirrors, as well as the polite smile of the man stationed behind the front desk.

 

“Good morning, Ms. Luthor,” he said. He was nice to her – all the people who worked in the building were – but it didn’t extend past professionalism. They were kind because she was a resident, because her rent paid their bills, but she also thought that a good number of them were a little afraid of her. Not unusual, but still… disheartening.

 

“Good evening, Roger.” She offered her usual smile and started to walk past towards the elevators.

 

“Mrs. Luthor just headed upstairs a few minutes ago.”

 

Lena froze, fingers going tight around the strap of her bag. Slowly she looked back at him and forced another smile, head tilting in acknowledgment. “Thank you. Have a good day.” Then she turned and went to face her mother.

 

The elevators were fast. It didn’t take long to reach her floor, but Lena tried to delay the inevitable, dragging her feet on the way to her door. And yet it still didn’t take long enough.

 

“Lena dear. There you are.” Lillian smiled coolly from where she was perched at Lena’s dining table, a cup of tea steaming in front of her. Lena tried not to find it intimidating, tried to remember it was only her mother, but that reminder didn’t help. Lillian was not a gentle person, nor was she particularly warm. The traits other people talked about when they spoke of mothers were not present in her (not with Lena in any case) and all that was left was this woman seemingly chiseled from ice.

 

“Mother.” The air felt thick with a tension that Lena recognized, a waiting, a stillness that spoke of ill intentions. This was not just a social call – it never was – and it was beyond checking in on her training. Which meant that Lillian knew that Lena had not been home last night and that was dangerous. Still, she knew better to incriminate herself and instead held her silence as she swung her bag from over her head and set it down at her feet while she toed her shoes off.

 

“Good lord, what on _earth_ are you wearing?” Lillian laughed as if it was an absurd sight instead of just Lena in casual sweats. With her body turned toward the closet where she put her shoes away, Lena gave herself a moment to close her eyes and collect herself. Lillian couldn’t hurt her if she didn’t cooperate with her line of conversation. Speak only when spoken to, she coached herself as she set the shoes on the shelf. Short answers only. Exhaling shakily, Lena opened her eyes again and carefully schooled her expression, turning back towards her mother.

 

“Comfortable clothes.” And then before she could be questioned further about them, “Did you need something, mother?”

 

Lillian raised one perfectly sculpted brow and brought her tea to her lips, cold eyes on Lena over the rim. And yes, Lena was certainly good at keeping her expression neutral, but no one had perfected silently conveyed disdain like Lillian Luthor. It all but filled the space between them, thick and hard to breathe through. It crept across to Lena like an icy fog, slithered around her ankles and skimmed up her spine so that she barely managed to suppress a shiver.

 

“Can’t a mother come visit her only daughter?” she asked. “And imagine my surprise when I come to check in on you and you just… aren’t here.” Lillian hums, mocking and thoughtful, a fingertip tapping against her lips.

 

“I woke early,” Lena said, her voice steady, completely without a trace of the lie she told. “I ran into some people from the company and they invited me to breakfast. I thought it might be reflect poorly on me to decline and so I went with them to their venue of choice. I didn’t eat anything,” she added, because Lillian would ask.

 

“Oh? That’s all… very fascinating, Lena.” Lillian stood slowly, abandoning her tea as she circled around the table and walked towards her daughter. The movement was almost predatory and she had to force herself to stay still, not to stiffen or shy away as her mother came close. “But you see, you weren’t here last evening either. Which means, I suspect, you didn’t come home at all. It almost explains your… ensemble.” A smirk tugged at her lips as she all but hissed the words, eyes skimming over Lena.

 

“Well. What’s done is done. Go change for your practice hours, Lena dear.”

 

And that was that. Lillian went back to her tea and Lena, hardly daring to believe that she’d escaped her mother’s wrath so easily, went to her room to change. Her hands shook as she scraped her hair into a neat bun, but she otherwise looked unshaken. Maybe a bit paler than usual, she mused, as she still wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. But that was easily fixed with just a hint of blush along the sharp lines of her cheekbones.

 

A few minutes later and she stepped into her living room again, bag once more over her shoulder, ready to face her six hours in the Luthors’ private studio. But as soon as Lillian looked up at her, Lena knew she hadn’t gotten away with anything after all.

 

“No breakfast, hmm?” Lillian said, clucking her tongue rather disapprovingly. “Well, you certainly indulged in something last night then. Look at this.” Reaching out, she pinched hard at Lena’s abdomen, no doubt smudging bruises over the inch of skin she’d caught. “Now darling, you can’t let yourself go like this if you want to maintain your career.” Her eyes flashed and there it was again, that hint of something Lena saw sometimes in Lillian’s eyes when she looked at her.

 

(Cruelty, she thought.)

 

“Well. That’s extra time for you today, Lena. We must work off that spare tire around your middle. Come along.” She turned and led the way through the door, believing, as always, that Lena would follow obediently.

 

And she did, the door clicking quietly shut behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, you can hit me up on tumblr @proudlyunicorn (:


	4. en cloche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two in a week whaaaaat? Amazing. I'm really inspired with this story right now so enjoy it while it lasts, kids lol.... As usual, this is unbeta'd and generally unedited because I hate reading over my own shit, it makes me nervous. So any errors are my bad.

By the time Monday rolled around, Lena had her priorities in order. Her extra practice hours had served as a reminder of what those were. She had not moved to National City, had not auditioned for the National City Ballet, to be popular or go out to bars on Friday nights. She was here to be the best. Lillian had very clearly outlined all of that again while she’d practiced on Saturday.

 

_(“I can see the extra weight on you holding you back. Your dancing is pedestrian today, Lena. I see no Giselle here.”)_

 

And maybe she hadn’t seen it on Saturday, with Lena powering through what she’d realized was a hangover with the extra weight of pizza and sugary alcoholic beverages clinging to her, but she’d see it soon enough. Lena _would_ be Giselle. That was the name she’d come to National City to establish (she would be called ballerina, she would earn her place at the top, and the name Luthor would be synonymous with success rather than infamy).

 

Resolved, Lena pushed through the doors to the studio, early as always. To her relief, Kara was not sitting behind the piano yet and she was able to drop the bag of borrowed clothing beside it without having to figure out how to interact with her now. It was awkward and uncomfortable to think about, didn’t settle right in her stomach, and so Lena was quite willing to take the coward’s way out with it. Especially because she knew that the tentatively formed ties between them had to be severed. She just couldn’t afford the entanglements on her rise to the top.

 

And more, Kara… Kara deserved so much better than someone who didn’t even feel wholly like a person.

 

There was some disconnect there, like Lena lived on another plane of existence, one that was only a shadow of the space others occupied. She lived in shades of black and white, dark and dreary and cold. And Kara, with all her warmth and vitality, lived fully in the color. Like Lena was Dorothy on the farm and Kara was somewhere over the rainbow, the brightest and most cherished person in Oz. Which was a stupid analogy, perhaps, but it felt like the realest comparison she could make.

 

She began her stretches, muscles warming and loosening as she tried to focus her thoughts elsewhere. Hadn’t she just decided on no distractions? And that’s all Kara Danvers was. That’s all thoughts of her were. Distractions she didn’t need.

 

(Didn’t _want_ , she reminded herself. She didn’t _want_ them.)

 

She was on the _barre_ when Kara came in, but she knew the moment she did. It was like the air in the room changed, like the sunlight streaming through the open blinds grew brighter. Every detail sharpened into minute focus so that she was aware of her lungs expanding, of the way her heart stuttered in her chest, of the dust motes caught in swirling eddies as she shakily exhaled. And then finally she found Kara in the mirror where she stood in the entrance of the room.

 

She was watching her and Lena felt the warm weight of her gaze, the radiance of her smile, straight through to her marrow. Green eyes quickly flickered away again, closing as she focused instead on her exercises. Practice was priority. Practice was her purpose here. It was why she came early every day, why she had come to National City at all after leaving Metropolis Dance, Inc. She certainly wasn’t here for-

 

“Kara,” she breathed when she opened her eyes and found the girl in question now standing in front of her. She quickly tucked the shock of it away, buried it beneath a mask of indifference. It didn’t do anything to still her rapidly beating heart, but at least it wasn’t obvious now. She hoped.

 

“Hi, Lena,” she replied, stepping closer now that she had Lena’s attention. “How’re you feeling?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Kara tilted her head, brow furrowing, and Lena cursed herself for speaking so sharply. She hadn’t meant to, it just… Kara made her nervous and it slipped. “Your hangover,” she clarified slowly, and she was still smiling, though a bit more hesitant now. “Are you fully recovered? It was brutal I bet.”

 

“Yes, thank you.” Lena realized she’d stopped in the middle of her exercise and cleared her throat, tearing her eyes away again as she looked forward and bent into another _plie._

 

“That’s… good.” Kara edged forward another step and Lena bit hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from speaking, to keep from explaining. There wasn’t a good enough explanation anyway, she thought. How could someone like Kara, with her adoring sister and multitude of friends, understand what it was like to be Lena Luthor? She was too pure to be touched by the shadows clinging to Lena, too kind to be associated with the slimy, crawling _things_ that attached themselves to her name.

 

“Lena, are you okay?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“It’s just that… I thought we were...”

 

“Were what, Kara?” She forced exasperation into her voice, whirling away from the _barre_ with hands on her hips to stare at her. She let her lips curve into a cool smile, knew she could mimic the one Lillian often gave her rather perfectly. Kara took a full step back and her smile vanished, her lips parting with surprise. Though Lena’s heart was now beating so fast that she was sure it would break free, she persisted.

 

(It was better this way.)

 

“Friends? I don’t have friends. I’m here to work, to dance. I’m not looking to fill up my time with inconsequential outings and time-wasting slumber parties, do you understand?” Her arm extended, motioned to the room they stood in. “We are in a dance studio and I am a dancer. That’s the _only_ reason I’m here. We had an interesting weekend, but I am not looking to repeat it and I don’t want to be distracted. I want to _work.”_ And so saying, she turned away from Kara again, gripped the _barre,_ and bent her knees in another _plie._

 

The silence stretched for a long few minutes before finally she could hear Kara’s footsteps, soft and slow, moving away from her. The door to the studio opened and closed and it was like all the oxygen was sucked from the room with it. Lena closed her eyes, struggling against the tearing feeling in her chest. She closed her eyes and when they started to burn, she opened them again, staring hard up at the ceiling to keep the tears from obeying the pull of gravity.

 

(Luthors didn’t cry.)

 

She noticed that her grip on the _barre_ was so tight that her knuckles had gone white. Slowly, finger by finger, she loosened her hold. She’d done what she had to do. Now she needed to be more focused, more disciplined, to be what her mother wanted her to be.

 

(What she wanted _herself_ to be, she corrected. She was doing this for herself.

 

She was almost sure of it.)

 

//

 

The last thing Lena expected as she left the studio late Wednesday night was to be shoved back a step, only to look up and find herself face to face with Alex Danvers. A furious Alex Danvers who, though hardly taller than Lena at all, made full use of her extra half an inch to tower over her. “Luthor,” she snarled, her voice pitched low, and she looked nearly ready to throttle her. Might have, had Maggie not shifted beside her, shooting out a sharp, “Babe,” that had her hands curling into fists at her sides instead.

 

Though Lena was sorely tempted to look around to search for witnesses of this exchange, she felt it more prudent to keep her eyes locked with Alex’s, eyebrows lifting slightly to indicate her bemusement. She even curled her lips slightly, that same coolly impersonal smile she’d offered Kara two days before. “Ms. Danvers,” she said with a small nod. Her gaze flickered briefly to Maggie – whose last name she did not know – and she gave her a quick nod as well before returning her attention fully to the woman in front of her. “What can I do for you?”

 

“You can start by explaining to me what the _fuck_ you said to my sister,” Alex hissed.

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Don’t _pardon_ me, you know exactly what I’m talking about.” Alex’s jaw clenched. Lena watched the ripple of muscle working as she did so, no doubt grinding her teeth in an attempt to rein herself in. “She wouldn’t talk about it, but I know it was you.”

 

“Kara and I had a brief conversation on Monday and haven’t spoken since,” Lena responded, shoulders tense beneath the thick sweater she wore. “So I couldn’t have possibly done anything-”

 

“Do you think I’m playing right now?” Alex barked out a laugh and stepped forward, the toes of her boots bumping against Lena’s. “I know you haven’t spoken. I know because Kara’s been upset about it since fucking Monday morning when she called me and canceled lunch – _Kara_ canceled _lunch,_ Luthor, that’s unheard of – and when I asked what was up, you know what she said?” Alex did lift a hand then, her finger jabbing Lena sharply in the shoulder. There was no real strength behind the gesture, but Lena’s shoulder jerked a bit anyway, as the spreading heat in her chest that was shame was lowering her defenses. “She said she wasn’t hungry. Wasn’t _hungry_. _Kara_.”

 

“Sorry?” Lena blinked at the words, confused. “What does that have to do with me?”

 

“Because if you knew my sister as well as I did, you’d know that there is only one thing that throws off her love affair with food, and that’s when she’s hurting. And when she’s hurting? It’s usually because someone she cares about is hurting, or because they hurt her. I can count the number of people with that power on one hand, and since I know them all, the only outlier here is you.” Alex scowled, her arms folding across her chest.

 

Beside her, Maggie shifted again, and Lena could just make out the way her hand slid over the small of Alex’s back. She watched those dark eyes skim over Alex’s face, searching out her signs of distress like she wanted to run her fingers over each one and erase them from existence. There would be no point in it right now, Lena thought as she glanced back to Alex again. She was angry and really pissed at Lena specifically and she didn’t think that was going to go away any time soon. Maggie must have realized that too because she didn’t say anything, just stood sentry at Alex’s side while she acted as Kara’s knight.

 

While Lena, stomach tying itself in knots, acted as the villain.

 

“For some unknown, godforsaken reason, Kara picked you out as her newest stray.” Alex waved a dismissive hand before Lena’s expression could shift to anything resembling offense. “Not saying that’s how she sees it. Kara’s just got a knack for picking up these lonely, hurting people and turning them into family. It’s like a fucking superpower at this point.”

 

“I’m not some project,” Lena snapped, her tentative hold on control slipping just a bit. Just enough. “She doesn’t need to… to save me, or whatever the hell she’s trying to do. I’m _fine._ I’m more than fine. I’m on my way to Giselle. I’ll earn the title of ballerina here. I’m succeeding.”

 

“Is that what you think this is?” Alex was frowning at her now, some of the tension leaving her folded arms, her shoulders, the rigidity of her spine. “She doesn’t see you as a charity case, Lena. She sees you as a friend. Kara, she’s… She knows a lonely heart because that’s how hers was. For so long, that’s how hers was. She doesn’t feel bad for you. She knows you. She was you.”

 

Lena shivered as the words worked their way beneath her layers of defense, worming their way into the lonely heart Alex spoke of. “She doesn’t know me. None of you do.”

 

“Yeah, well. For some reason she actually wants to. So get your shit together.”

 

“Alex.” Maggie shot her girlfriend a look and gave a sharp shake of her head. At Alex’s frown, she nodded to Lena, whose eyes were locked on her own hands now where they twisted the strap of her bag around and around, her brow creased with a worry she’d never admit to. She didn’t see this look because all she could think about was Kara’s stricken expression on Monday and the guilt was a vicious, clawing beast inside of her chest. It was extremely distracting.

 

“Hey,” Maggie said, her voice softer than Alex’s had been the entirety of the conversation. When Lena looked up, she offered a small smile that seemed to speak volumes, though she said nothing else for several beats. Things like _I understand_ and _it’s okay_ shone in her eyes _,_ things Lena didn’t want to hear out loud. Not yet. But Maggie didn’t speak them. She just reached out, fingers tapping lightly against Lena’s temple. “It’s not too late, you know? Whatever happened with you two, she’s not the type to just give up on you.” Maggie’s smile grew a fraction and she slid a glance towards Alex. “The Danvers sisters are stubborn that way.”

 

“Persistent,” Alex insisted.

 

“Persistently stubborn,” Maggie shot back before glancing to Lena again. “She’s been pretty torn up, you know.”

 

Lena hesitated. Her fingertips were red, caught up in the strap of her bag where she’d twisted it around her hand. She could feel the way they pulsed with each beat of her heart, a demand for release from her stranglehold. “She has?” she whispered uncertainly.

 

“She has.” Maggie’s voice was as soft as the hand she dropped on Lena’s arm. “Maybe you should, you know, go talk to her or something.”

 

“Maggie,” Alex began, obviously about to argue, but Maggie cut her off with a sharp look and another quick shake of her head.

 

“I know she’d want to see you. Alex knows that too. She’s just being a Danvers.”

 

“I...” Lena looked helplessly around herself, like she might find the answer to her turmoil etched out in graffiti on the side of a building. It was like there were two Lenas, each of them fighting for different causes. One half argued that it wasn’t her responsibility to make Kara feel better, that she had her own business to attend to (though that Lena sounded awfully like Lillian). The other reminded her that Kara had done nothing but treat her with kindness and respect and didn’t Lena at least owe her that much? So she stood wavering, unaware that her impenetrable mask had slipped enough for the vulnerability to shine through.

 

She didn’t know – couldn’t know – that Alex looked at her then and realized how truly young she was, that she softened towards her just a bit more than she would have liked.

 

“We’ll drive you,” she said, and Lena’s eyes snapped immediately to Alex’s with the offer. “To Kara’s, or to your place. Up to you.” She jerked her shoulders up in a shrug. “So make a choice, Luthor.”

 

Lena stared at her. Suddenly faced with the choice so directly, she wasn’t quite sure how to proceed.

 

(She thought of Kara’s eyes throughout practice on Monday, how they’d tracked her in the mirror, how they’d dropped away if Lena ever so much as accidentally met them.

 

She thought of Kara, usually so quick to stand and chat with the dancers when their hours were up, sitting silently at the piano.

 

She thought of Kara hurting because of her and couldn’t stand it.)

 

“To Kara’s, please,” she murmured, looking down at her feet.

 

She didn’t see Alex’s small nod or Maggie’s quick smile, but she did hear Alex’s approval when she told her to follow them to the car. (She also didn’t miss the grim satisfaction she wore when they reached a police cruiser and she opened the back door for Lena to slide in.)

 

But Lena, used to cages that most people couldn’t even see, barely blinked as she slid behind the wired barricade between the front and back seats and spent the drive staring through her window.

 

 

It wasn’t a long ride. Soon enough they were dropping her off outside of Kara’s building. They offered to stick around to drive her home after, but she shook her head. “I’ll call for a car,” she told them quietly, staring up at Kara’s building.

 

“Alright. See you around, Lena,” Maggie said.

 

“Apartment 5C. And don’t fuck this up or it’ll be my sisterly duty to kick your ass.”

 

Lena turned to look at her, lifted her eyebrows. “Is that even allowed? Aren’t you a cop or something?”

 

Alex bared her teeth at her in a wide, shit-eating grin. “Or something. And I’m off duty.” She brought two fingers to her temple and then jerked them away in a sharp salute. The pair of them were pulling away from the curb a moment later and Lena watched until they disappeared, then looked up at Kara’s building again.

 

It was the first time she’d really seen it – the first time she’d been too drunk to actually look. Like Cat’s studio building, it was made of brick. There was a garden, like there was in front of Lena’s building, but it was less orderly. The flowers were in a jumbled mix and the bushes were uneven, their branches left untrimmed. Not overgrown, just more… natural. There were ground lights at several intervals, lighting up the front of the building as well as the walkway that leg up to the front doors.

 

There was no security man at the door, no intercom system to page up to the apartments. She simply walked in and took the elevator up to Kara’s floor. Like the building itself, the hallway was clean, if a little worn. Lived in, she thought. For some reason, she liked the feel of it so much better than her own building. She shouldn’t. It was hardly the best money could buy and Lena had been raised to believe that the more money she spent, the better. But… it didn’t feel true.

 

And she was stalling.

 

Lena found herself outside of Kara’s door before she was ready. Her eyes traced the door number and she took a breath, raised a hand to knock. And instead ended up pressing her palm flat to the door, her head dropping forward until her forehead rested beside her splayed fingers. She closed her eyes and focused on breathing.

 

Maybe this was a bad idea.

 

Her fingers curled into a fist against the door and she considered for a moment just turning around and leaving. Her mother would be so angry if she knew Lena was here, if she knew what she was doing. It was better, definitely better, to call a car and go home. But even as she started to lean away from the door, there was a flash of Kara’s face, so stricken by Lena’s cold rejection. And then the image of Kara faded, replaced by a memory of a much younger Lena staring at herself in the mirror, face blotchy with color from a vicious crying jag. All of six years old, hair in a perfectly slicked back bun, eyes wide and wet. She’d worn that same stricken expression.

 

_(“Your parents are dead. I’m your mother now and you will do as I tell you. Do you understand?”)_

 

Lena’s curled fist pulled back from the door, then came down again in a soft knock.

 

She stepped back once, wrapped both hands around the strap of her bag, and waited. It didn’t take long. Kara swung her door open, then froze there with her blanket wrapped like a cape around her shoulders, a steaming mug in one hand.

 

“Lena?” Kara blinked once, free hand kneading the fabric of her blanket between her fingertips as she looked at her. Lena looked quietly back, heart drumming.

 

“Hi,” she murmured. “Do you think… Could I come in?”

 

“I don’t know.” Kara shifted her weight from foot to foot, frowning now as she studied Lena. “It depends. Are you going to turn around and act like all of this never happened tomorrow?”

 

The qualification surprised Lena, whose manners and sense of privacy would have demanded allowing entrance to whoever showed up at her door, assuming she knew them, of course. If she’d reacted like this, Lillian Luthor would have pursed her lips in disapproval. Leaving someone standing in the hallway risked the chance of a neighbor coming along and if there was one thing Lillian abhorred, it was making a scene. But Kara filled up the minimal gap between the door and its frame. Standing up for herself against someone who’d hurt her.

 

Lena hadn’t ever realized that such a refusal was possible, or allowed. The thought of protecting _herself_ above the comfort of someone else… Why had she never even considered that?

 

“I won’t,” she mumbled at last, teeth catching at her bottom lip. “Can I please come in, Kara? I’d really like to talk to you.” She spoke softly, but she hoped the honesty in her voice shone through as well. Kara studied her another minute and then nodded slowly, stepping back to swing the door open wider. “Thank you,” Lena said, stepping through. Kara closed it behind her and they were suddenly engulfed in silence, the only noise coming from the quiet murmur of the television.

 

“So?” Kara stepped closer, set her mug down on a side table. As if only just then remembering the blanket draped around her shoulders, she flushed and whipped it off, folding it quickly over the back of a chair. Her fingers reached up to adjust her glasses, realized she wasn’t wearing them, blue eyes tracking helplessly around in search.

 

“Um. They’re...” Lena lifted a hand, tapped gently at the top of her own head. Her lips twitched as Kara reached up for her own, found the glasses, slid them down over her eyes again.

 

“So,” Kara said again, cheeks still pink. “Why are you here? You made it pretty clear before that you-”

 

“I was stupid,” Lena blurted out, wincing at the desperation in her own voice. Still, she persisted, fingers clenching and unclenching around the strap of her bag as she looked anywhere but at Kara. “I’ve just… There are all of these expectations and I really can’t let myself get distracted. I have to be the best, you understand? I have to. It’s just how it is and I’m not supposed to… to… But I didn’t like hurting you. I _don’t._ I- I know I’m not great at being a friend. I admittedly don’t have much practice. And god, it’s so _distracting,_ and I can’t let myself-- but I don’t want to lose this either.” Her voice fell to a whisper. “I don’t want to lose...”

 

“Lena.” Kara’s expression had gone almost painfully soft when Lena let herself finally look at her. She stepped forward, slowly, carefully, her hands reaching out until they fell on her shoulders. She ran them soothingly down Lena’s arms and Lena felt the tension melt away, her eyes closing on a shaky exhale. “What is it you want to say?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lena breathed, eyes still closed. “I’m so sorry for treating you that way, Kara.” Kara’s hands reached her wrists, then gently plied her fingers off of the strap of her bag. Lena let her, let her hands go loose as Kara eased them away. She felt the other girl lift her bag over head and let that happen too, heard it drop with a muffled thud beside her.

 

And then Kara was drawing her in, wrapping her in a careful hug that had Lena shuddering before she melted against her, clutching desperately to her pajama top. “It’s okay,” Kara soothed, her lips pressing gently to Lena’s temple. “It’s okay, Lena.” Lena curled closer, her head falling onto Kara’s shoulder. “Just… try not to do it again?” And there was something there, a soft uncertainty Lena hadn’t realized Kara could possess. She’d thought her so confident, so self-assured. It hadn’t occurred to her that maybe Kara was just as defenseless here as Lena was.

 

“I won’t,” she promised, pressing just a bit closer.

 

Kara drew back after a moment and offered Lena a soft smile, hand reaching up to brush her hair back behind her ear. Lena reached up, pushing self-consciously at the loose strand. Her hair was never messy, never out of place. She didn’t allow it to be. But Kara only shook her head and caught her hand, bringing it down to her side again.

 

“May I?” she asked, finger tapping lightly at one of Lena’s pins. Lena hesitated and then nodded slowly. Green eyes stayed locked on blue as Kara began to pull each pin free, slowly unfurling the full length of Lena’s dark hair. She stuck the load of them in her pocket, then reached up with both hands to comb them through until it was loose and tumbled over her shoulders. “Beautiful,” Kara breathed, smiling softly.

 

Then her cheeks dimpled and she tugged gently at Lena’s hands, leading her back towards the couch. “Come watch a movie with me,” she said, and Lena was helpless to do anything but follow, sinking onto the cushions beside her as Kara restated the old black and white film she’d been watching.

 

And just like that, Lena realized, she was forgiven.

 

//

 

She woke some time later, still on the couch. The television had returned to Netflix’s main menu. Still more than half asleep, Lena shifted, realized that both she and Kara were stretched out across the couch. She was curled into Kara’s side, her head on her chest, her arm slung low across her waist. And Kara held her close, face buried in Lena’s hair. Her breaths were slow and even, relaxed in sleep.

 

Lena stared down at her a moment, then dropped her head back onto her chest and let herself drift off again.

 

And for once, it felt like there was color in Lena’s world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying the story, please feel free to drop me a comment! Comments are my lifeblood and aid in the inspiration. And as usual, you can hmu on tumblr @proudlyunicorn. Thanks, guys! (:


	5. soubresaut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, unedited and blah blah so sorry if it's shitty lol yay anxiety. Yay also continued inspiration, though that yay was far less sarcastic. And GOD BLESS 2x12 LUTHORS BECAUSE I DIED AND ASCENDED TO GAY HEAVEN. (I had some interesting thoughts about Lena actually only being twenty-four in canon so hit me up on tumblr if you want and I can link you to the post I wrote about it and how canon Lena compares to my Lena.)

It was a balancing act. Or perhaps it was more like juggling, keeping all of her balls in the air at once. Or maybe even juggling while balancing, which made more sense. Balancing in and of itself she was very good at, but tossing in something like juggling threw everything off and made even the simplest of tasks rather difficult.

 

Friendship was not east to maintain, nor was it reflexive to do so. She had to consciously remind herself to speak with Kara during the day, to smile at her, to let herself relax around her. And it wasn’t that she didn’t want to do all of that because she _did_. Those times she let herself relax and just _be_ with Kara were the best moments she had during the day. It was just that Lena wasn’t used to maintaining relationships. The only person she ever spent copious amounts of time with was her mother and that hardly counted, as that relationship was maintained whether or not she wanted it to be.

 

(Of course she wanted it to be. Lillian was her mother...)

 

With Kara, Lena often forgot she had that connection to turn to, and so it was Kara who would find her during break and offer her a water bottle or who would smile when their eyes met in the mirror. Not that she seemed to mind that she was doing the majority of the work there, but Lena did. She wanted her to know that Lena thought she was worth the effort. She wanted her to know that Lena cared. That she wanted this.

 

Because she wanted Kara’s friendship more than she’d ever wanted anything in her life.

 

And maybe that’s why their friendship was as frightening as it was lovely. Because Lena wanted it so badly, maybe too badly, which meant that Kara held all the power. If she chose to walk away, Lena knew she wouldn’t have the courage to chase her.

 

(She wouldn’t even be able to blame her, and that was the most terrifying part. She was sure Kara would realize that Lena wasn’t worthy of it. Worthy of _her._ )

 

And beyond trying to maintain this new friendship, Lena was severely stressed about her audition. She thought it went well, but it was hard to tell with Cat Grant; the woman gave nothing away, not with a tic or a grimace or the twitching beginnings of a smile. Her expression stayed perfectly neutral through each audition and her only comment was, “Hmm… next?”

 

Kara said that that’s just how she was and _“Lena, your audition was beautiful, I’m almost certain you’ll get it.”_ Lena hoped she was right. She didn’t even want to know what her mother would do or say if she’d missed out on Giselle, if someone less talented got the role over her, thus proving her mother right about distractions _._ Lena didn’t want her to be right. She couldn’t stand the idea of it. Because if she was right, Lena really would have to give Kara up all over again and she wasn’t sure she could take it.

 

And oh, her mother. That was the third and final ball in Lena’s juggling act. If her mother ever knew about Kara, she would never hear the end of it. Especially if she found out that Kara had convinced her to leave rehearsal on time on Saturday to spend the night at her place watching movies and pigging out on junk food. Not that Lena had indulged in more than a couple of handfuls of popcorn, but Lillian wouldn’t believe that.

 

Sometimes she found herself wondering why Lillian thought isolation was the best course of action for her because when she was Kara, she felt more herself than she’d ever felt alone. It was like she’d never even truly known herself and then suddenly Kara had come along and held up a mirror to help her discover who she was. And maybe that mirror was still shrouded in mist and maybe Lena was mixing metaphors in an attempt to explain it to herself, but she knew one thing for certain.

 

She was happy.

 

Kara Danvers made her happy.

 

Was that so wrong? She wondered as she shouldered through the front doors of the studio Monday morning, eyes down and hands twisting the strap of her bag around and around. Was it wrong of her to be happy, to feel like she belonged with someone for once, to feel like she was in a good place? And It wasn’t even just Kara. The more she relaxed around Kara, the more other people seemed to relax around _her._ She and Lucy Lane exchanged “hi, how are you’s” before practice began now. James Olsen smiled at her when they bumped into one another. It was like somehow Kara’s charisma had extended include her, like being friends with her somehow made them realize she wasn’t going to suddenly murder them all in a fit of rage.

 

She suspected that Kara Danvers had a lot of pull in the company, which was strange since she was only the assistant and accompanist. Even Cat Grant backing Lena hadn’t had the same effect.

 

And thinking of Cat finally brought Lena back to the present because it was Monday and the parts would be posted this morning and she couldn’t afford to be thinking about-

 

“Lena!”

 

Her head snapped up just in time to spot a grinning Kara jogging towards her. And then suddenly she was caught in a hug, the kind she still wasn’t used to receiving, with arms wrapped fully around her and a body crashing into hers so that all she could do was reach up and hold on for the experience. Her head was spinning with it and so was the room and no, she realized, Kara was spinning them in a circle and Lena’s feet weren’t touching the ground, she was _flying,_ she was-

 

“Lena,” Kara said again, setting her carefully on her feet again so that she could pull back enough to look at her. Lena stared back at her, dazed and wide-eyed and breathless, still trying to figure out what had happened. And Kara was so close, just so close. Lena was caught up in her, the honey-and-vanilla scent of her, the sunshine radiance, the absolute joy she exuded. There was a buzzing in her ears and it took Lena a moment to focus, to realize Kara had spoken to her. She blinked once, tried to focus.

 

“What?”

 

Kara laughed. “Earth to Lena,” she teased. “You still asleep?”

 

(Her hands were still light on Lena’s waist and they squeezed gently to show she was just joking and Lena still couldn’t quite think clearly. Dizzy from the spinning, she thought. That was all.)

 

“Sorry, yes. My mind is in a million different places.”

 

“I bet.” Kara’s smile softened and she reached up, fingers tapping gently on the side of her head until Lena felt her lips pull into a smile. “Are you going to look at the roles announcement?”

 

Lena’s breath caught again, for a completely different reason this time. “It’s posted?” she asked, anxiety tightening in her chest.

 

“I just pinned it to the board myself.” Kara’s smile faded slightly and she tilted her head, blue eyes flickering over Lena’s face. “Do you want me to go with you?” she asked softly. “Or I could just tell you? Since I posted it and everything.”

 

“I don’t… I don’t know.” Lena’s heart was racing. This was it. This was the deciding factor on how her next few months would be. “Is it good? Am I ensemble? God, my mother would absolutely kill me. I- I don’t know if I can-”

 

“Lena.” Kara caught her face between her palms, gentle but firm as she tilted her face towards her own and met her eyes squarely. The smile she’d worn was completely gone now and what Lena saw in her eyes was even more terrifying than the affection she received otherwise. There was… understanding, or the dawning of it, and Kara couldn’t know. She couldn’t know about Lena’s mother because Lena was certain she couldn’t survive the shame of it, the shame of being so weak, of being such a coward, of-

 

“Breathe,” Kara murmured, still watching her. Though they were alone, both extremely early, Kara stepped back and led Lena into a small storage room off the main entrance way, filled to the brim with props and old costumes and boxes of dance supplies people could purchase from the office. But it was largely unused otherwise, dark and dusty, a hiding place that Kara brought her to in order to give her a sense of privacy as the panic took her under.

 

“Look at me, Lena,” she said, her hands on Lena’s shoulders, fingers pressing firmly into her skin. “You need to breathe.” But Lena stared at her almost blindly, her ears ringing now, the feeling unpleasant as the world closed in and her vision started to go black at the edges.

 

“I-- I can’t,” she stuttered, hands curled into tight fists at her sides. She couldn’t feel the bite of her own nails into her palms, hardly even noticed how hard she dug them in as her entire body swayed.

 

And suddenly she was in Kara’s hold again, her back to Kara’s front, Kara’s arms wrapped around her with her cheek pressed against the side of Lena’s head. “Listen to me, Lena,” she told her against her ear, voice calm, soothing, soft. “Listen to me. Can you feel me breathing? Try to focus.” Lena closed her eyes and tried, straining towards Kara, fighting to follow the simple directions. And yes, she felt it now. The press of Kara’s chest against her back, the rise and fall of it as she breathed slowly, evenly. The expansion of her rib cage as her lungs filled. Lena gripped tight to the arms folded across her middle and focused on only that, on the soft, encouraging words murmured against her ear, on the warm, sweet scent of Kara surrounding her.

 

Her breaths fell into sync with Kara’s, her heart slowed. And finally, finally, she sagged against her as everything gradually came back into focus. “Okay,” she whispered shakily. “I’m okay.” She shifted to pull away, but Kara’s hold tightened minutely. Not enough that she couldn’t escape if she persisted, but enough to tell her that Kara wanted to hold on another moment. So she let her hold on.

 

( _Just for a second_ , Lena thought. _Just one more second…_ )

 

“Are you ready to see now?” she asked at last, her arms dropping from around Lena’s waist. Lena cleared her throat and stepped forward, nodding slowly.

 

“Yes. I… I’m sorry, Kara. That was...” She laughed, the sound a bit hollow. “That was really very embarrassing. I’m normally much more professional than that.”

 

“Please don’t apologize.” Kara met her gaze, mouth unsmiling, eyes filled with a concern Lena didn’t want to see there. “Do you always have panic attacks over things like this?”

 

Lena lifted a hand that trembled slightly to dab at the corner of her eyes where some wetness had pooled. She noticed the sting then, saw the crescent-shaped grooves from her nails carved into her palms, and quickly curled her fingers over them to hide them from Kara’s sight until they faded.

 

“I… No, of course not.”

 

Blue eyes went hard as steel. “Don’t lie, Lena.”

 

“I’m not.” She flinched, broke their gaze. “That is, it isn’t a regular occurrence. It only happens once in awhile.”

 

Kara stared at her, arms folded across her chest. There was silence as she looked at Lena and Lena looked at some spot further down in the studio. Then she sighed. “You got Giselle.”

 

Lena’s head snapped up. “What?”

 

“You’re Giselle, Lena. Congratulations. That’s why I hugged you the way I did when you came in. I’d just seen.” Kara dropped her arms again, reaching out to catch Lena’s hand. Gently, very gently, she uncurled her fingers, thumb brushing across the marks in her skin. “So please, stop worrying now.” She looked up, smiling at last. “You’re amazing.”

 

(And Lena thought, _No,_ _oh no,_ _Kara. You’ve got it wrong. I am not the amazing one_. _)_

 

//

 

It was the middle of the following week when Kara dropped down beside her at the end of rehearsal, offering her a second water bottle just as she finished her first. It was cold, no doubt liberated from Cat Grant’s office mini-fridge. Normally a no-go for dancers, but as Kara liked to point out, she wasn’t a dancer. And Lena wasn’t just a dancer, she was the principle dancer. So it balanced out somewhere, probably. So she said.

 

She was dressed for her evening dance class now and Lena couldn’t help but take a moment to admire the change before focusing instead on gulping down more water. Kara was pretty in her cardigans and bulky sweaters and whatever else she wore, but Lena liked that she seemed to feel just as at home in dance clothes. Maybe she wasn’t a professional dancer, but it was clear that she loved it. Or at least loved teaching it, which Lena supposed was something wholly different.

 

“Come downstairs with me?” Kara requested with a smile, bumping their shoulders together.

 

“Don’t you have class?”

 

“Yeah. Come co-teach?” Lena shot her a doubtful look and Kara pouted slightly, bumping her shoulder again. “Lena, come on. They’ll absolutely get a kick out of it. It’s my ten-year-olds, the oldest girls I teach. It’s that age where they, you know, start to figure out if they’re actually into dance or not.” No, Lena didn’t know. She’d never had the choice to think about it. But she didn’t say that, of course. “So they’re like, just aware enough now to talk about the show and I kind of maybe slipped that I know Giselle?” When Lena looked at her rather blandly, obviously unimpressed, she pouted further. “Please?”

 

“Kara...”

 

“You don’t have to stay. Just for a little bit.”

 

Lena rolled her eyes, but she could feel herself caving. It seemed to always work that way when Kara gave her that look. “Fine. Ten minutes tops.”

 

Kara threw her arms around her and hugged her tight, making some small sound of excitement as she rocked them a little, back and forth. Lena rolled her eyes again for form’s sake, but she was laughing as she pushed Kara playfully off of her and began to gather her things.

 

“Then maybe you could wait for me,” Kara suggested as they stood and headed for the door to the studio. “And we could go back to my place and have a movie night. We could make it a Wednesday night thing. Alternate who gets to pick with who has to buy dinner.” Lena tried to ignore the small lurch in her stomach at the idea of what Kara considered dinner _._ “Sound like a plan?”

 

And Lena knew she shouldn’t. Really, she should go home and rest. Soak her feet, eat a small salad, go to bed early, because tomorrow it would start all over again. But…

 

It was Kara.

 

So Lena nodded again and smiled and Kara smiled back and suddenly they were at the door to one of the lower level classrooms. Kara led her inside and she set her bag against the wall, flexing her feet a bit in her ballet flats as she watched the girls start to trickle in. She saw it the second one of them realized who she was. That one nudged another, who turned and stared. The girls began to whisper together after that and for a minute, Lena thought this had all been a mistake. At the end of the day she was still a Luthor, and Kara vouching for her only went to far.

 

But then the first of the group breathed, “You’re Giselle,” and Lena realized that her name wasn’t why they’d been staring at all. They’d simply recognized who she was within the company. A small, shy smile touched her lips.

 

“Yes. I’m Lena.”

 

And suddenly she was surrounded by eager, chattering ten-year-olds all talking over each other as they tried to have their questions answered first, fast, immediately.

 

“Girls.” Kara clapped her hands together twice and the questions staggered to a halt as they all came to attention. Grinning, Kara met Lena’s gaze over their heads, head tilting as if to say _told you_ before she looked back at her students. “Miss Lena is here to help me teach today. Isn’t that cool?”

 

“Yes, Miss Kara,” they all said in unison. But though it was a practiced response, Lena could see the genuine excitement glazing the eyes of a few. Those are the ones, she thought. Those girls with the bright, interested eyes would be the ones who tried their best to go all the way.

 

“I thought maybe Miss Lena would like to do a... A bit of a demo for you, ladies. If you don’t mind?” Blue eyes met green again, a question. Lena’s head tilted, her eyebrow lifting a fraction. An answer, even before she spoke. _No, I don’t mind. I’d do anything for you. You should know that by now._

 

But what she said was, “Of course.”

 

Lena kept it pretty simple, stuck to her flats instead of her _pointe_ shoes because they just took so damned long. Besides, at their age, watching a professional dancer _en pointe_ would have felt rather intimidating and that wasn’t her purpose here. She was here to encourage. To inspire. Kara hadn’t said as much, but she knew her well enough by now to know how she taught her lessons.

 

Kara told all of her girls that they could be whatever they wanted, that if ballet was what they wanted to do, then all they had to do was let themselves have it. And while only a handful out of hundreds who went through the studio would ever truly make it to the professional level, Lena was certain the encouragement she gave them went beyond dancing. When they found what they truly loved, they would look back and remember what their teacher said to them.

 

_Let yourself have it._

 

So she gave them a demonstration, and when that was done and over, she helped Kara instruct. Carefully, gently, trying to mimic Kara’s style of teaching more than that of her own instructors’. She went way beyond her ten minute allotment because it was just so… so _fun._ The girls were sweet and full of promise, and they all so obviously adored Kara. Who, it went without saying, adored them all right back.

 

And before she knew it, the class was over and the girls were packing up. She received eight tight, cheerful hugs, eight calls of, “Goodbye, Miss Lena,” eight pleas for her to return next week. She returned the hugs, the goodbyes, and said only “Maybe,” in return, until suddenly it was just her and Kara left and she was standing there grinning at nothing.

 

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Kara asked, and Lena jumped because her voice was right beside her ear. She turned her head and their eyes met, held. “Kids love so immediately, so unconditionally. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

 

“Yeah.” Lena cleared her throat and looked away, bending down to grab her bag. “So. Your place?”

 

“Yup!” Kara grabbed her own bag and soon enough they were out on the sidewalk. Kara tucked Lena’s arm through the crook of her elbow, as she had that very first night, and Lena let herself lean. Just a little.

 

Just enough.

 

//

 

Weeks passed. Rehearsals were tiring and her mother was exhausting and Lena was constantly stressed.

 

Movie nights were quickly becoming Lena’s favorite things, especially when it meant stretching out beside Kara on the couch, their bodies sandwiched together on the cushions. More often than not, Lena would drift off somewhere in the middle and wake towards the end to Kara toying with her hair and murmuring that she had to get up now, it was time to go home.

 

Sometimes Kara would fall asleep and those times were nice too. Lena would wake to find arms wrapped around her waist and Kara’s even breaths just beside her ear. She’d hold still so that Kara wouldn’t wake and eventually she would fall asleep again to the steady beating of Kara’s heart against her back. And always when she woke up, she’d be in Kara’s bed with Kara stretched out beside her.

 

She liked the nights that the others joined them too, though they also made her incredibly nervous. Lucy was the type to tease about everything and Lena was a bit intimidated by her, especially when she said things like, “I know James is your leading man, Luthor, but remember he already put a ring on this.” And she’d grin wickedly, waggling her left hand where the brand spanking new engagement ring sat, glittery and bold. She was joking, of course. James was completely enamored with her and Lena definitely had no interest in him, or any of the men in the company for that matter (though they couldn’t know it wasn’t possible, would never be possible.)

 

(Sometimes Maggie watched her in the moments after the jokes, though. She watched her as the others laughed and Lena smiled along, and she would be smiling too, but there was a thoughtfulness there that scared Lena more than anything.)

 

Alex, it seemed, was never going to warm up to Lena. She wasn’t exactly cold, but she didn’t tease Lena playfully like she did with the others and sometimes Lena caught her frowning in her direction, looking at her like Lena might suddenly stand up and slap Kara across the face at any moment (she would never, she could never, she cared _so much_ about her, but she wasn’t sure how to tell Alex that. Was sure she wouldn’t believe her anyway).

 

James joined too sometimes, when it wasn’t a girls’ night. And often a man named Winn as well, who Kara introduced as the tech director for Cat Grant’s productions. Lena liked him quite a bit, and James as well. All of them, honestly. And with Kara constantly at her side, leading her into the conversations to help her join in, it felt almost like they were becoming her friends as well. And that was nice.

 

But still the movie nights were the nicest. The quiet times she got to have alone with Kara, curled into her side so that her warmth filled her up, made her feel so calm.

 

For the first time in her life, Lena actively lied to her mother. Late rehearsals, she’d say. _Don’t come by tonight, mother, I won’t be home until past time to sleep._ It was easier now that Lena had secured the lead, easier to make her believe because it was what was expected of her.

 

God, Lillian would kill her if she knew what Lena was really doing two times a week.

 

But Lena never let herself think of it. Instead she let her head fill only with the present. It wasn’t easy, but she was good at compartmentalizing. Mostly.

 

It was easier like this, when she woke to the feeling of soft fingers stroking her cheek until her lashes fluttered open. Easier when she swam back into consciousness to find blue eyes so close to her own, soft and sweet and full of things Lena couldn’t name.

 

“Kara,” she murmured, the smallest of smiles tilting her lips. Kara smiled back, her forehead pressing gently to Lena’s.

 

“Hi,” she whispered in return. “Lena, can I...” Her eyes flickered and Lena’s chin tipped up, offering without thought. And when her lips touched Lena’s, they were as soft and sweet and gentle as her eyes and Lena’s lashes fluttered closed again, her hand lifting to tangle in the ends of Kara’s hair. It was so easy, so east to forget everything else because she knew this was what she’d been wanting for so long.

 

But oh, reality could be so cruel, and when it crashed down around her, Lena found herself pulling abruptly back. Sharp, awkward, she pushed to her feet. Her lips parted with her shock and she stood staring down at a sleepy-eyed Kara, who looked tousled and confused and just a bit worried now.

 

“Lena,” she said slowly, sitting up. “What are you-”

 

“I have to go.” Lena whirled away, collecting her things with hands that trembled. “I can’t do this. I can’t, Kara, I… I’m really sorry. I have to go now.”

 

“Lena, wait-”

 

But without even pausing to put on her shoes or her sweater, she pushed through Kara’s door, letting it slam shut behind her.


	6. changement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, another AHHHH HERE HAVE THIS IT ISN'T EDITED I AM SO SORRY. Enjoy. (I'm really excited about how quickly and easily these chapters are coming. For those of you waiting on a clexa teof chapter, that's next, I promise.) xo

She made it into the elevator before Kara caught up with her, slamming her hand into one of the doors to push it back open. Lena stared as she stepped in with her, panting and flushed, though Lena wasn't sure if it was from anger or from sprinting down the hall after her. Maybe both.

 

“No, Lena,” she snapped out, her voice sharp with the temper Lena could see in sparking flames just behind the hurt in her eyes. But the hurt burned more to see and Lena looked quickly away, staring down at her shoeless feet. One of her socks had a hole in them. The left one, she noted, right at the tip of her big toe. She'd have to get more soon, throw this pair away. It wouldn't do to be so sloppy, so unkempt-

 

“ _Look_ at me, damn it!” And it was the wet, wavering quality of the words that had green eyes snapping up more than the words themselves. Kara stood staring at her, fists clenched and chest heaving, her eyes damp and wildly blue. Lena's breath hitched as one of the tears spilled over and it took everything in her not to reach out and catch it on her fingertip. Or to lean in and press her lips to where they caught on Kara’s lashes, to trace the trail of them down the curve of her cheek, to sip them away from where they lingered on her chin before dropping down, absorbed into the material of her sweatshirt. Or to press close and meet Kara’s mouth with her own until it curved into a sweet, familiar smile...

 

(“ _If I ever find out you entertained these... inclinations, Lena, I will be very disappointed.”_ )

 

She kept her hands tight around the strap of her bag and said nothing.

 

“You aren't doing this to me again. You don't get to run away and make me feel like I did something wrong. You don't get to leave me alone.” Her voice hitched and Kara closed her eyes, hissing out a breath when the elevator doors shut behind her. “I’m sorry if I did something you didn't want me to, or if I crossed a line you didn't want to cross,” she continued, her voice quiet now. When she opened her eyes, the flash and burn of her temper had faded to embers. And it was worse, so much worse, because it left more room for the hurt and Lena hated seeing it. Hated causing it. “But please don't just… don't just disappear.”

 

“Kara...” She didn't know what to say. How could she explain the expectations her mother had set for her? How could she explain sixteen-year-old Lena, scared and hopeful, telling her mother that she liked the girlfriends Lex brought home far more than she liked any of the boys her mother approved for her? How could she explain her mother’s cold, cruel laughter or the way her fingers had pressed so hard into her arm that Lena had later found her fingerprints smudged in dark purples and vibrant blues against pale skin?

 

How could she explain herself, alone at the _barre,_ doing her exercises and resigning herself to the fact she'd never have the happiness found at the ends of films and storybooks?

 

Being with Kara, just being with her, was enough. The happiness she felt when they were just sitting together in silence or when their eyes met in the mirror and Kara smiled at her? That was more than she'd ever expected to have. And it was enough. It was almost too much.

 

(That moment of flying, soaring elation when Kara’s lips had touched hers? It could only ever be borrowed for fleeting moments, never hers to keep.)

  
She had to leave. That’s what it came down to. She didn’t belong here, greedily drinking in all of Kara’s easy affection. She didn’t deserve her soft smiles or gentle touches or carefully given compliments. Now that she knew Kara’s affection was something more than friendship, it was best to cut their losses entirely. Because the longer they let it play out, the more it would hurt Kara when the inevitable end came. It didn’t matter that Lena had ached with that _something more_ practically since the start. It didn’t matter. Oh, it shouldn’t matter.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she said at last, because that seemed like the most important thing to say even if the rest of the words were caught in her throat. It wasn’t right to let Kara believe that she’d done something bad, something she was afraid might have crossed a line or been too forceful or… whatever it was Kara was thinking. “I very much wanted… That is, I...”

 

“Lena.” Kara reached out, her fingers brushing gingerly over the back of her hand before pulling back again. “Come back inside. Talk to me. We don’t have to do this in the elevator.” She tilted her head when Lena bit at her lower lip, dipped down just slightly in an attempt to meet her eyes. “If you still want to leave after, then I won’t chase you again, okay? But please come talk to me.” There was a slight hesitation and then Kara held out a hand between them, an offer more than a demand.

 

Lena hesitated. There was no point in talking, there really wasn’t. It wouldn’t change anything and neither of them would end up with what they wanted. There was no way Lena would ever be able to have this, keep this, when Lillian… It simply wouldn’t be allowed. Her mother was the only family she had left. She couldn’t lose her. Not for the sake of kissing some pretty girl.

 

Not even if that girl was Kara.

 

But Kara was waiting so patiently, silent and steady and _there,_ and Lena couldn’t lose her either.

 

So she reached out a shaking hand and slowly slid it into Kara’s, warmth pouring into her at the simple touch. She stared at their joined hands as she had so many times before, studying the way Kara’s fingers wrapped so delicately around her own.

 

(She’d gone cold when she’d retreated back to the shadows, but Kara brought the sunshine with her and never hesitated to give it to Lena without asking for anything in return.)

 

“Okay,” she whispered, finally looking up to meet Kara’s gaze.

 

“Okay,” Kara returned quietly, reaching out to press the ‘door open’ button. The doors slid open quietly again and they stepped off together in a quiet that was no longer comfortable. Kara wasn’t smiling, but the anger was wholly gone now, all fire and heat that burned out quickly and left only the sadness behind. Lena wasn’t used to that kind of anger. She’d only ever been on the receiving end of ice and sharp edges, passivity and neglect. This seemed so much more… raw. Emotional rather than detached. Like Lena made Kara actually _feel._

 

(Somehow Kara’s anger made her feel more too. Like this mattered. Like _she_ mattered.)

 

They went back into Kara’s apartment and she led them both directly to her couch, the place where they spent so much time together. A place that was, Lena realized, comforting for both of them despite this being Kara’s space. Lena dropped her bag on a shuddering breath and looked up, meeting blue eyes almost hesitantly, afraid of what she might see there. But Kara only nudged Lena down onto the cushions, held up a finger to signal for her to wait. She drew a blanket out from the basket beside the couch (the afghan Kara had slept with that first night, Lena noted) and draped it around Lena’s shoulders, wrapping her up in it with a small half-smile. Then she pressed a pillow into her chest.

 

“To hug,” she explained. “It’s my favorite serious-talk position.”

 

She grabbed a second blanket for herself, snatched one of the throw pillows off the floor where they’d tossed them for movie night, and curled up onto the other end of the couch in a mirror image of Lena. Lena watched, silent and a little amazed by her, until Kara at last nodded.

 

“Okay. Let’s talk.”

 

“Talk,” Lena echoed, uncertain of where to start. She found herself wrapping her arms around the pillow Kara had given her, drawing it firmly into her chest, ducking her chin down until she’d hidden the lower half of her face against it. She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to leave, to retreat to her own empty apartment and pretend this never happened. Cowardly, perhaps, but safe. So much safer than sitting here staring at Kara, wondering what it would be like to close the space between them and feel those lips on hers again.

 

“You were saying that you very much wanted…?”

 

“I...” Oh, yes, Lena very much had wanted. Perhaps she hadn’t consciously acknowledged that until it was happening, but now that it had, it seemed to be consuming her mind. She wanted to kiss Kara. She wanted to be held by her. She never wanted to stop feeling the safety and adoration she found in Kara’s arms. But… “Kara, I… I can’t.” She closed her eyes, hiding further in her pillow. “I can’t do this, I’m not-”

 

“You can’t,” Kara echoed quietly, tilting her head as she considered her. Lena let herself peek up at her and there wasn’t anger there. Not even disappointment. It was like Kara was piecing together a complex puzzle and Lena liked the idea of that even less than the idea of her being angry at her again. She couldn’t have Kara putting pieces together on this, not when it led to…

 

“You can’t,” Kara said again, slowly, “But you want to.” Lena’s eyes snapped up, her lips parted, but she couldn’t say anything. Just as quickly, she schooled her expression, kept it carefully neutral as she stared across at her. “What are you scared of, Lena?” Her voice was soft, almost sad, and she scooted a few inches closer across the couch cushions. Lena’s heart sped up, a hummingbird flutter in her chest. She didn’t answer. “Why is it hard for you to believe you can have good things?”

 

“I have a good thing.” She hadn’t meant to say it, but it escaped in a rush, a direct response to the lingering dampness she could spot on Kara’s cheeks, her lashes. With her this close, it was impossible not to notice, and the twist in her gut was an uncomfortable combination of guilt and something more intense, something to do with how strongly she felt for Kara. “I have you. Your friendship.” She spoke quickly now, her eyes focused on some point over the other girl’s shoulder. “It means so much to me and the idea of losing it, losing you, because we...”

 

“Lena.” Kara moved even closer, her hand reaching slowly out towards Lena’s. She gave her time to pull away, but Lena didn’t, just watched as those hands took one of hers again, carefully cradling it between both of her palms. “The only way you could lose me is by pushing me away again. I can’t change it if you want to leave, but… I don’t want you to. And I don’t think you really want to either or you wouldn’t be here.”

 

Their knees bumped when Kara leaned in, blue eyes catching on green. “There doesn’t have to be more. That’s okay. I would never, ever force you into something you aren’t comfortable with. Our friendship means a lot to me too. Like, more than I can even describe really… you’re my best friend.” She squeezed Lena’s hand, a quick pulse, there and gone. Lena’s eyes traced her smile, however small it was, greedy for the soft, genuine curve of her lips. She never wanted to be the reason for its absence again. “Just… don’t go anywhere.”

 

“I won’t.” Lena took a breath, then another, before dropping the pillow to lean in and wrap her arms around Kara’s neck with her face pressed to her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kara. I...” _I want this, I want you, I want to kiss you again and again and again until I can’t breathe._ “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. I’ve never had a friend like you before.” _I’ve never had family like you either._ Lena pressed herself closer, relieved when Kara’s arms circled her waist and held her tight. Solid, warm, real.

 

“I’m not going anywhere either,” Kara murmured, her lips pressing against the crown of Lena’s head. “You’ve got me. I promise.”

 

And Lena hoped, prayed, that this could be enough for both of them.

 

//

 

One of the worst things about working with a company was the public changing rooms.

 

Dancers couldn’t afford to be shy. There were constant costume changes during productions and they had to be fast and efficient. Lena understood it, but she avoided it as often as possible. She stayed later, she came earlier, and sometimes if she left on time, she’d just go home in her dance clothes to avoid entering. No one in the National City company had noticed yet, but Lena remembered the mocking that had come with it back in Metropolis.

 

( _“Looks like the Luthor is too good to use facilities made for us commoners.”)_

 

And then later, after Lex, they’d made it clear she wasn’t welcome there anyway.

 

But mostly Lena has avoided it because it felt… deceptive, being in the changing rooms surrounded by women unbothered by their own nudity. They had no knowledge of the fact she was attracted to women and Lena definitely didn’t want them to know. She also didn’t want to be tempted and she didn’t want to feel like a sexual predator every time she went to peel off her sweaty leotard. As far as she knew, there were no women like her in the company besides herself, just as there hadn’t been any in Metropolis. No one expected ballet dancers to be… that way. In fact, it was statistically proven that a very small fraction of them considered themselves to be anything other than heterosexual.

 

(Lena had looked once when she was younger, hacking her way through the security her mother had put on the computers, winding her way through child blocks and filters and trackers in the middle of the night just to see if there were girls like her out there.)

 

But it had been harder to avoid lately now that she spent time with Kara and her friends. It meant showering and changing before going to Kara’s place, which meant that Lena was stuck standing in the changing room like she was today, eyes averted, body facing the wall. She held herself stiffly, kept herself silent, and tried to change as quickly as possible while toweling off her dripping hair. Most of the company was here, chattering behind her, all of them at ease with one another in the way people were when they knew each other well. They talked over and around her, but never to her, and honestly, she preferred it that way.

 

At least, that’s how it was most days. But today, it seemed, that was going to change.

 

“Hello, Lena Luthor.” She glanced up, then quickly away again, ducking her head as she toweled her hair more vigorously, face hidden behind it as she felt color burn in her face. She didn’t really know the girl who’d spoken beyond her first name – Siobhan – but she knew she was standing there in nothing more than a bra and some shorts and Lena felt something like shame spreading through her for looking.

 

“Hello, Siobhan,” she returned, her voice stiff with discomfort. “How can I help you?”

 

“A few of us were going to go out to dinner tonight. Wanted to know if you wanted to join?” And the question itself seemed so innocuous, but Lena could hear the smirk, the smug satisfaction of someone who knew they’d be getting the answer they expected to get.

 

Lena stood up straight, squared her shoulders, and let herself face the other dancer head-on. Her expression was perfectly neutral now, schooled into flat, uninterested lines as she collected her damp hair, smoothing it back into a tail. “No, thank you,” she said, a little cool now, even as her stomach trembled with her discomfort.

 

Siobhan’s smirk grew a fraction. Lena knew disdain when she saw it. (It was how her mother looked at her most of the time.) “Why?” Siobhan asked, her head tilting in a way that was not at all charming. “Is Giselle too good to go out with the rest of us?” She leaned just a fraction closer, her voice pitched just a bit lower, though it was still loud enough that the interested girls standing closest to them could still hear. Her eyes traced down Lena’s towel-clad torso before lifting up to meet her gaze again.“Or are you just not interested in eating?” And the words, the accusation in them, stung as surely as if Siobhan had slapped her.

 

(The truth of them burned through her like acid.)

 

“Hey, Lena.” A second voice joined them, saving her from having to answer. This time it was familiar and Lena felt a mix of relief and humiliation move through her when Lucy moved to stand at her side. She hated that she’d probably heard what Siobhan had said, that she probably had that in her mind now, a question, a concern. But Lucy wasn’t looking at Siobhan and judging by the way she was grinning at Lena like Siobhan wasn’t even there, it didn’t seem like she was going to acknowledge what she’d said. “You’re going with to Kara’s tonight, right? Almost ready to head out?”

 

“Yes.” Lena released a slow breath, her fingers curling and uncurling in the material of her towel before she reached out to grab her shirt. “I was just getting dressed when Siobhan came over to invite me to dinner.”

 

Lucy spun towards Siobhan, bared her teeth in another smile that did not at all match the hard look in her eyes. “Ooh, sorry, Smythe. She’s already got plans with us. Maybe next time, after you pull that stick out of your ass and stop acting like an insufferable bitch.”

 

“Fuck you, Lane,” she muttered, but she spun around and went back to her locker without further argument.

 

Lena released a breath when she was gone and looked back at Lucy, offered a small, tight smile. “Thank you.”

 

“Yeah, sure.” She was still glaring after Siobhan, but when looked back to Lena, her expression softened considerably. “You’re Kara’s, so you’re ours. We don’t let people fuck with ours.”

 

The words sent a shock through her. Not only because of the quick defense and the unwavering support, but because of the easy and confident way she labeled Lena as Kara’s _._ Like there was no question about it, like it was an accepted fact.

 

“I’m not-”

 

“Stop gabbing, Luthor, and put your shirt on,” Lucy cut in, smirking now, though the expression was playful rather than cruel like Siobhan’s had been. “We’ve got plans.” She pulled on her own shirt, which she’d had slung over her shoulder. “Need a ride?”

 

Lena pulled her shirt on as well, tugged the towel out from beneath it. “No,” she murmured, deciding to let the comment slide. Lena felt immense affection move through her for Lucy, for the others she hadn’t realized had taken her in as their friend. Not just Kara’s, but theirs. Lena was not longer an outsider in their group, but a part of it. The idea of that warmed her and she found herself smiling. It felt… nice, being thought of as one of them. Being thought of as Kara’s. “Thank you, but-”

 

“Kara’s driving you.” Lucy laughed and shook her head, mumbling something about Maggie that Lena didn’t quite catch. “Well walk out with me at least.” They slung their bags over their shoulders and headed out together, Lucy chatting companionably about how boring wedding planning was and how bossy her older sister was being about it and “She’s married to Kara’s cousin, did you know that?” Which no, Lena hadn’t, as Kara had never mentioned her cousin before.

 

“So you’re sort of Alex and Kara’s cousin then?” she asked, trying to ponder out the family ties. She didn’t have many of her own. Her family was small and nuclear, just her and her brother and their parents. And half of that was missing now, so it was just Lena and Lillian. Small and disconnected.

 

“Nope. Just Kara’s. She was adopted by the Danvers when she was pretty young. Clark’s her bio cousin, but I met Alex through school before I even knew she was related to Kara. Small world, right?”

 

“Small world,” Lena agreed, but her mind was spinning. Kara was adopted? Like her. They’d never talked about that. They seemed to avoid their family lives like the plague, actually, except for Kara’s stories about Alex or some offhanded mention of something her mother had said. And she remembered what Alex had said, about Kara’s heart being lonely for so long, and Lena found herself wondering if this was why.

 

“Can I ask you a question, Lena?” Lucy asked when they reached the front door. Lena nodded her go-ahead and Lucy looked right at her, eyes sharp and searching. She opened her mouth, closed it again, then smiled. “You ready to lose at game night? ‘Cause you might be the reigning chess champ, but I’m feeling lucky tonight. I’m ready to kick your ass.”

 

Lena had a feeling that it wasn’t what Lucy had wanted to ask, but she let it go, let herself smile in return with a confidence she rarely felt. “Keep dreaming, Lane,” she shot back before pushing through the door. And when she heard Lucy’s surprised laugh ring out behind her, she couldn’t help but grin, proud of herself for the easy banter.

 

Outside of the studio, Kara and the others stood waiting. She looked over when the door opened and when her eyes met Lena’s, she smiled. It was that quick, happy smile Lena liked best, the one that dimpled her cheeks and crinkled the corners of her eyes. She felt her own smile soften to match it and she wished, not for the first time, that she had the right to cross to her and take her hand, to hold it in hers the way Maggie stood holding Alex’s just behind her.

 

(To hold it and never let go, to feel Kara’s fingers slide through hers, to hear the way her breath would catch as she whispered _Lena_ and leaned in to knock their foreheads affectionately together the way she did.)

 

“What’s the joke?” she called out to Lucy.

 

“I told Luthor I could kick her ass at chess.”

 

Alex snorted. “Now that _is_ a joke.”

 

“Fuck you, Alex. I’m awesome at chess.”

 

“Not even close to Luthor’s level, Lane. Dream big though.”

 

“Lena’s the best,” Kara agreed, that soft smile curling her lips still as she hooked her arm through Lena’s and led her in the direction of the parking lot.

 

“Lena’s the best,” Lucy mocked in a high-pitched voice, but the way she rolled her eyes was almost fond and Lena felt so… included. She was part of the banter, part of the friendly razzing. They called her Luthor, but there was no bite to it, no sting. It was no different from how they addressed one another really. Lane, Danvers, Sawyer. And now Luthor, spoken as easily as it would have been were her name something as simple, as boring, as Smith or Jones. “I’m telling you, I’ll beat her one of these nights.”

 

“Not a chance,” Kara shot back, the light of competition flaring to life in her eyes. “I’d take bets on it.”

 

Lena smiled and ducked her head a little when Kara bumped their shoulders together. She was glad, very glad, that they’d been able to get back to something normal after what had happened.

 

Even if she wished, really wished, that they hadn’t had to.

 

//

 

It became their major competition of the night, everyone trying to defeat Lena at chess.

 

Lucy didn’t even come close to beating her, but Alex did. She came closest of everyone, in fact; had Lena in check twice before Lena had checkmated her with her knight. Kara had done the worst, which surprised absolutely no one, as she was too impulsive and too impatient for the game. She’d redeemed herself at Pictionary, where Lena learned she was actually an amazing artist and really good at seeing the abstract.

 

When the night ended, Lena offered to stay behind to help her clean up while the others headed out. And when that was done, Kara asked almost hesitantly, “Do you want to stay and watch The Princess Bride?”

 

So Lena did.

 

They watched all of that (Lena had never seen it and she was completely enraptured the entire time) and then moved on to some original series Lena didn’t know.

 

She woke up in the dark, head pillowed against Kara’s shoulder, Kara’s arms around her while Kara’s even breaths filled her ear.

 

And it was almost enough. Almost.

 

(But it was so much harder now when the dreams she woke from let her have more.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, you can hit me up on tumblr @ proudlyunicorn. Lemme know what y'all think! Comments are the lifeblood of this project tbh. (:


	7. échappé

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited and blah blah AHHHH love you guys. Thanks for all your amazing messages. They really keep the energy flowing. (:
> 
> Also you may have noticed I changed the description. I had a few people tell me they passed over this story at first because of it being about ballet and I hate to deter people with that since it's obviously not really the focus of the story (because I danced ballet for approximately one season when I was like seven) so I tried to change it up. Hope that wasn't too confusing. ALSO @thecatsbian on tumblr made me a really AMAZING cover for this story so you can check that out on tumblr and you can probably check that out here too if I ever figure out how to add it to the story. xo

Soft lips painted kisses across her shoulder and up the line of her neck, tracing her pulse until Lena couldn’t breathe. Those lips closed over her own and she arched into the weight of the body above her, burning with heat as skin slid over skin.

 

“Lena,” those lips whispered against her own.

 

And she stared into blue eyes as warm fingers glided down and down, skirting across her belly, tracing the inside of her thigh…

 

Lena woke with her heart pounding, unable to catch her breath. Her entire body seemed to throb with every beat and she was warm, too warm, which was compounded with the weight of the arm draped across her waist. There was no calming, not when she woke in the dark surrounded by everything Kara. They’re not naked, not like in the dream she’d just experienced, because they weren’t like that. They were friends, friends only, and friends should _not_ be dreaming about their friends in that manner. Friends should not ache in the aftermath, yearning for those kisses, still experiencing phantom touches that made them shiver.

 

But this was new, Kara’s habit of gravitating to her in sleep, wrapping around her so that Lena was cradled in her warmth, breathing her in through the night. She always woke when it happened, when she felt the press of her body and the weight of her arm, but she’d never mentioned it. It was easy to fall asleep again like that, safe in her hold. Kara never mentioned it either, and when Lena woke on those mornings, she was always alone.

 

But it seemed her body, traitorous and bold, had developed its own ideas of the meaning of these nights. And imagining the dream, Lena felt… dirty, laying there beside a sleeping, oblivious Kara, those visions still fresh in her mind. Shame spread through her, a second layer of heat that burned in her cheeks and rose in her throat like bile.

 

Disgusting. She was disgusting. Dreams like this were a betrayal of the trust Kara gave by inviting her here and she couldn’t stand it, laying here knowing how vile she was. Movie nights that ended in impromptu sleepovers were… they were sacred, they were innocent. And her mind had defiled it.

 

She rolled to her side and eased Kara’s arm from around her waist, trying to slip away quietly so she could compose herself. All she needed was some time to chase away those thoughts and then… Then things would be okay. Then she could sleep again – maybe with some space between them – and tomorrow it would be like it had never happened.

 

But even as she nudged the blankets from her legs, Kara’s sleepy voice mumbled, “Lena?”

 

Lena looked back at her and couldn’t help but soften at the sight. Sleep-tousled Kara with a crease on her cheek from her pillow, cheeks pink with sleep, blue eyes slumberous, was quite possibly her favorite versions of Kara. It was so tempting to roll back towards her and press in close, to smooth her hair back from her face and kiss where the crease curved over the spot her cheek dimpled when she smiled. But even as she thought it, her dream flashed back to the forefront of her mind, images of Kara kissing her far less innocently.

 

“Go back to sleep, Kara,” she whispered, choking a bit on the words as she turned away and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. But Kara’s hand caught her wrist, tugged gently until Lena froze with her feet not quite touching the floor.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asked around a yawn, her free hand lifting to rub her eye in an attempt to clear the sleep from them. “Are you okay?”

 

“I… Yes. Just a… dream.”

 

“A bad one?” Kara asked, all sympathy as she leaned her weight on her elbow, the hand on Lena’s wrist gently stroking now, up and down her forearm. It settled again over her racing pulse and her thumb brushed across it in an attempt to sooth that only made it scramble.

 

“No,” Lena said, a bit more honestly that she would have liked. She flinched and closed her eyes, still facing away from Kara in the darkness of her room. “I’m… it wasn’t bad.” The dream itself had been quite lovely actually. It was the aftermath that left her feeling like a disgusting bit of slime. “I’m just a bit disconcerted, that’s all.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Panic shot through her, a sharp, electric jolt. “No.”

 

“Okay,” Kara said, voice low and reassuring. “You don’t have to. Do you need something?”

 

“No,” Lena said again, this time turning to look at Kara over her shoulder. Kara continued to watch her, fingers on her wrist still, stifling a yawn into the curve of her own shoulder. It made Lena’s lips curl up at the corners and she sighed, crawling back into the bed. Kara tugged the blankets back over her and sort of half tucked her in, hand hesitating a moment before falling onto her waist. Lena felt the burn of it through all of the layers, a pulsing hand print on her her skin.

 

They watched each other through the dark, heads tilted close, Kara’s thumb brushing Lena’s hip. Lena lay with her arms curled up between them, pressed to her own chest, and wondered if Kara was waiting for her to say something or if she was keeping herself awake to make sure Lena fell asleep again, a dreamless sleep this time. But she couldn’t sleep, not with her mind still reeling, not with her heart still thick in her throat.

 

“I think I’m a bad person,” she whispered, voice trembling, a shudder skirting down her spine. “There’s something wrong with me, Kara.” The thumb stroking her hip paused for a moment before resuming and Lena could just make out the way Kara’s brow creased, the way she opened and closed her mouth twice without speaking before she finally managed to find the words she wanted.

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

She thought of changing in the locker room facing the wall, thought of every time she caught herself daydreaming about leaning in and kissing Kara when they were doing friend things. Thought of the dream she’d just jolted out of, hands on her skin, lips on her neck, fingers-

 

“Because I am,” she said, hands lifting to press to her face. “I’m so… I treated you so horribly and I think all these awful things and I’m so-”

 

“Hey. Hey, hey.” Kara scooted closer and caught her wrists, urging her hands gently back down until she could meet Lena’s eyes. Hers were so blue, Lena thought. So, so blue and so close and just so _beautiful_ that it almost wasn’t fair.

 

( _“Do you truly think they’ll want you lusting after them? All those girls feeling so awkward because they know you’ll sneak peeks when they change and think impure thoughts about them. No, there’s no future there, darling. Best to abandon any thoughts of this lifestyle choice while you’re still young. It will be so much easier for everyone.”)_

 

“You made mistakes. You mess up sometimes. So do I. That’s okay, Lena. It’s okay not to be perfect.” Kara cupped her cheek, thumb brushing over the sharp angle of it as her eyes flickered back and forth between Lena’s.

 

“No it isn’t. I have to be perfect. I can’t afford mistakes, not anywhere in my life. And I can’t think about-” She cut herself off, cursed quietly as she jerked her face away to break their eye contact.

 

“Can’t think about what?” Kara asked, and there was an edge to her voice now. Not anger, Lena didn’t think. Not exactly. She’d seen Kara angry before. Just something there, something that Lena thought she heard sometimes whenever Lena said something like she had just said. Her puzzle piecing voice. Lena had to be careful. If she gave her any more pieces, Kara would see the full picture and she couldn’t let her. It was too disgraceful, too embarrassing.

 

“Lena?”

 

“Can’t think about you,” she said, the words escaping in a rush before she inhaled sharply and closed her eyes tight against Kara’s stare. She didn’t want to know what her face looked like, didn’t want to see the pity or the worry or even the soft affection that she knew would completely undo her. If she saw Kara looking at her like that, here in the dark with her shadow kisses still on Lena’s lips, she’d be done for.

 

“Does… does this have something to do with your dream?”

 

Flushed, Lena nodded.

 

“A dream about me?”

 

Lena nodded again, completely mortified, but unable to lie.

 

“Oh, Lena...” Kara sighed the words and gathered her in her arms, bringing her into a tight hug. Lena could feel her nose and lips pressed into her hair, the warmth of her breaths ghosting over her scalp. “Honey, that’s… It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s not wrong or awful or… Gosh.”

 

Kara laughed a little breathlessly, her arms squeezing Lena’s waist as Lena curled closer. “Do you know how many times a day I think about you, Lena? How many times since we… Even if we were just friends, there’s nothing wrong with that. But you know there’s more than friendship here. We both do.”

 

Lena shook her head, her breath hitching as the fear clawed at her inside her chest. “I can’t.”

 

“You’ve said that.”

 

“My mother-”

 

“Screw your mother. I’m sorry, but-” This time it was Kara who withdrew, scrubbing her hands over her face to ward off the frustration Lena could see shaping her expression. She shrank away, just a little bit, hating that she’d upset her. Again. She was so bad at being the friend Kara deserved. If she were better, she wouldn’t be constantly upsetting her, constantly making her angry or worried or anything like that. If she were better, Kara would only ever smile.

 

“You’re thinking so loud.” Kara sighed and leaned in, her lips pressing to the center of Lena’s forehead. “I’m not mad at you. And like I said, I’m not going to force you into anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m just telling you that-” Her breath stuttered and she closed her eyes, her forehead pressing to Lena’s now instead of her lips. “I have a lot of feelings for you, and I know they’re right and good and valid and _real._ So, so real, Lena. Just like yours are, whatever they are. Okay?”

 

Lena didn’t reply. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Her whole life had been about people telling her what she thought or felt, and if she ever tried to express her own mind, she was quickly told why what she said was wrong.

 

(There were the pieces of her mother’s lecture, always ready to play through her mind. “ _You aren’t_ that way, _Lena. You’re just confused. Acting out for attention. Enough of this.”_

 

Or the worst one _.“Mom loves you, Lee. She’s just showing it in her own way.”_ The one that she still to this day struggled to believe.)

 

Again she was overwhelmed with the feeling of not being a real person, of not being whole. She was back in shadowland, only an echo of humanity, while Kara stood on the other wide of the veil and pressed against it, trying to drag her in. Had she truly ever had her own thoughts, her own feelings? Or was everything she was just an echo of her mother?

 

But no. She was her own person. She was here, wasn’t she? And Lillian certainly wouldn’t approve of that, but she was still here and she was still being held by her best friend, her best friend who had _kissed_ her and who she wanted so badly to kiss again and again and-

 

“Okay.” She said it quietly, nodded a little with her forehead still pressed to Kara’s.

 

“Say it,” Kara urged softly. “Give yourself the words. It’ll help.”

 

“I… My feelings are… good and right and valid.” She sighed a little, some of the tension escaping her shoulders.

 

“And real.”

 

“And real.” And the last of it seeped out of her so that she sagged forward into Kara’s arms again, wrapping tight around her. “Thank you.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

There was another stretch of silence, comfortable this time, and Lena had nearly drifted off to sleep again with Kara tracing circles against her back when suddenly Kara added, “So it was a _really_ good dream, huh?” with humor tinting her voice.

 

“Oh my god,” Lena groaned, a half laugh escaping as she found one of Kara’s many pillows and smacked it against her face. Kara giggled and wrapped around her, nuzzling against the top of her head. And it felt amazingly light to be able to joke about it, to be teased about it, without feeling any hint of scorn or derision or disgust.

 

She fell asleep in Kara’s arms with the words _this is real, I am real_ circling around and around in her head.

 

//

 

She forgot about it, or pretended to at least, and life went on.

 

The schedule for the show was getting increasingly more demanding, the hours with the entire company longer. There were costume fittings and rehearsals moved to the theatre and Lena’s mother paid random visits to the studio that made her feel clunky and inadequate when she later listed every flaw she’d witnessed while she was there. Luckily those visits weren’t too frequent – Lillian had her own schedule, after all – but they happened often enough that Lena almost dreaded the time she spent on the stage.

 

She liked it when Lillian didn’t send her a text telling her she’d meet her at Lena’s apartment to discuss her rehearsal. Liked it better when the theatre slowly empties, leaving her alone on the stage.

 

(Liked it best when Kara remained seated on the piano bench, slowly slipping away her music folders and dragging her feet until they were left alone.)

 

“I used to take lessons, you know,” Lena told her one night as she eased her toe shoes from her aching feet.

 

“What, piano lessons?” Kara looked up, grinning at her. “Why, Miss Luthor. How could you keep your secret musician past from a fellow key tickler?”

 

“Key tickler?” Lena laughed, chucking her empty water bottle in Kara’s vague direction. “Lame. No one calls it that.”

 

“Ooh, she’s a professional,” Kara teased. She squinted at Lena, cocked her head, offered a smile. And when she crooked a finger to urge Lena over to the piano, she couldn’t help but cross the stage to her, hoping lightly down from the platform. She also couldn’t help the way her stomach tightened nervously when she sat on the bench, studying the keys.

 

“I haven’t played for a really long time,” she confessed. “I stopped when I was pretty young to focus on dance.” She danced her fingers over the keys, grateful for the fact she had a pretty decent memory. “I started when I was four, when my biological mother was still alive-”

 

“Biological mother?”

 

“Mm… I was adopted when she died. Cancer.” Lena trailed off, played another scale. “My father said it would be good for me to continue the lessons when the Luthors adopted me, because it would be something familiar. But when I was like… six or seven, my mother – adoptive mother – said I should stop and no one really fought her on it.” She played another scale, winced when she missed a note. But Kara didn’t scold her for it (why would she? She was Kara) and so she corrected it and played on.

 

“I was adopted too,” Kara said quietly. “When I was thirteen.”

 

“That’s late.” Lena kept her eyes on the keys, hoping Kara would continue to talk of her own accord. She wanted to know, but was afraid to ask. Afraid of pushing Kara into talking about something that hurt.

 

“Yeah… My parents died in a fire. There was a, um. A gas leak, and an explosion. They died and I... didn’t.

 

Lena looked up then, straight into Kara’s eyes. There was such sadness in her eyes, such infinite sadness, and Lena wished she had the courage to gather her close and whisper all those quiet things people knew to say to make things better. But she didn’t know the words and she certainly wasn’t courageous. So instead she bit her lip and said, “I’m sorry that happened to you,” and it felt so mundane next to all the words Kara gave her.

 

“Yeah. Me too.” Kara offered a sad smile. “And I’m sorry about your mother too.”

 

“I don’t really remember her that well. It must be harder, having those memories.”

 

“I don’t know.” Kara seemed to think about it, her forehead creased as her hands joined Lena’s on the keys, playing scales alongside her. “I miss them. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t. But… I remember their faces, their voices. I remember what it was to be loved by them, to be held, to be cared for. Those memories make it hurt a little less.”

 

“Maybe,” Lena mused with a half shrug, lifting her second hand to the keys now as she tried to remember a song. She couldn’t remember the sound of her mother anymore, or the smell of her perfume. She couldn’t picture her face except sometimes in dreams, vague and distorted. But she couldn’t say for sure if that was better or for worse.

 

She began to play, hesitantly at first, then with a bit more confidence as “Clair de Lune” rang out. Kara sat beside her, quiet and steady, the song filling in the blanks of their unspoken words. Her teacher had given her so many advanced songs to play, had called her a natural. This had always been one of her favorites, the one she’d played endlessly for Lex, or just for herself when she ached from Lillian’s verbal blows.

 

(When her mother first began to fade from her memory, when she couldn’t quite recall the color of her eyes or the shape of her smile, she would play this to bring her back into focus.

 

When the lessons stopped, so too did her memories of a woman whose name she didn’t even remember.)

 

The air shivered out of her lungs at the thought and she fumbled the keys, fingers freezing against them as her breath hitched.

 

But then Kara was there, of course she was there, her hands sliding over Lena’s to guide them over the keys again. Her breaths washed over her cheek and ear, warm and reassuring, as they played through the song together. Kara turned her head and pressed her lips to Lena’s temple and Lena closed her eyes as their hands moved together over the keys. When they finished, when the last notes faded into silence, they stayed frozen just like that. Lena hesitantly turned her hands so that their palms pressed together and Kara twined their fingers.

 

_(If you want something…)_

 

“So sad, Lena,” she breathed into her skin, her voice raspy with her sorrow. But Lena only shook her head, drawing back just far enough to meet blue eyes with her own.

 

“Not anymore,” she said. “I’ve never been as happy as I am now.”

 

Kara’s eyes went wide, staring at her, and Lena drew in a deep breath. Her eyes didn’t waver, even as her heart began to race in her chest, quick and light.

 

_(If you want something…)_

 

They both leaned closer, both hardly daring to breathe. Lena released one of Kara’s hands to reach up and tangle her fingers in the ends of tumbled blonde curls and she’d never wanted anything more than to close the distance, to take and take what she knew Kara would give and give. And, she hoped, to give back what Kara would never demand of her.

 

Their lips were not even a full centimeter apart when a voice rang out, one that sent dread curling in the pit of Lena’s stomach.

 

“Well. This is certainly… unexpected.”

 

She jolted away so fast that she nearly fell off of the bench, caught only by Kara’s steadying hand as she frowned in the direction of Lillian Luthor. She couldn’t know who she was, of course, but no doubt Lena’s reaction gave it away. She had so many of the pieces already. This would only seal it.

 

“Mother,” Lena said, quickly standing and putting distance between herself and Kara. She smoothed a hand down her leotard, expression now carefully neutral, though she could feel how all of the color had drained from her face. She felt cold, clammy, and the hands she curled tightly together were shaking. “I wasn’t expecting you here today.”

 

“Obviously,” Lillian said, lips pursing as she looked from Kara to Lena. There was obvious disapproval in her eyes, but she wouldn’t voice it here. Oh, no. She would wait until they were alone, wait until they were tucked into the privacy of the Luthor home or Lena’s apartment to tell her exactly what she thought. “Since you are clearly finished here, I expect you to come back to the home studio with me. I have… notes.”

 

“Yes, mother,” Lena said. She shot Kara an apologetic look and climbed back onto the stage to fetch her bag. Certain she would follow, Lillian headed for the exit. And Lena did follow, albeit a bit more slowly than usual, reluctant to leave when…

 

_(If you want something…)_

 

“Lena,” Kara said, her voice pitched low. She caught her hand as she passed, held it in her own. “Don’t go.”

 

“I...” She bit her lip, looking in the direction Lillian had gone before looking down at Kara again. And there was regret, so much regret, but… “I have to, Kara. She’s my mother.” She squeezed Kara’s hand once, then slipped her own free. “I’m so sorry.”

 

And then she jogged down the aisle and through the door.

 

//

 

Lillian lectured her all through the extra practice hours, making sure Lena knew her behavior was abominable, disgraceful, a pox on the family name.

 

(“ _If someone had seen you, Lena... You’re lucky it was only I who found you. If it had been Catherine Grant, you’d be out of your dream job like that.”_ There had been a snap, right in Lena’s face, to demonstrate just how fast that would happen. _)_

 

But when the extra rehearsal hours had concluded – too many hours later, when her feet were sore and bleeding – and Lillian told her to go home and rest for the next day, she found that the heavy feeling in her chest didn’t come from shame. Not really.

 

(Because her feelings were good and right and real, they were, and so were Kara’s.)

 

No, the weight came from fatigue. She was just so tired of this act, of trying to cut off this whole part of herself when she felt like happiness was right _there_. Right there at the tips of her fingers, waiting for her to stretch a bit further to grab it.

 

Lillian’s driver dropped her at the curb outside of her building. It was starting to rain, the droplets cool against her skin, and Lena walked slowly towards the front doors. Everything hurt. She knew she had to go upstairs and soak her feet in Epsom salt to ease some of the ache, but something was dragging at her. Something more than the fatigue. Lena tugged her pins from her hair as she walked, tucking them into the side pocket of her bag.

 

By the time it tumbled free around her shoulders, she knew she wasn’t going upstairs.

 

She dropped her back off at the front desk and then sprinted out the door, ignoring the way her feet throbbed with every step. She ran, even as the wind picked up and the rain fell harder. She ran, even as the doubts crept in and made her question everything she was doing.

 

She ran until she reached Kara’s building, until she reached her door.

 

And when Kara answered with a surprised, “Lena,” she didn’t bother to say anything.

 

She simply stepped in, slipped her arms around her neck, and drew Kara down until their lips met.

 

(Because when you want something, the first step is to let yourself have it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, catch me on tumblr @proudlyunicorn (:


	8. en l'aire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, blah blah. Sorry. One day I'll re-read a chapter before posting. Anyway, enjoy! xo

For a moment, just a moment, the world was quiet.

 

Kara’s hands lifted and framed Lena’s face between them, palms cupping her cheeks so tenderly as their lips clung together. It seemed almost endless, their moment in time, caught somewhere between Lena’s shadow world and Kara’s world of color. A moment caught in sepia, a moment of neither world, but rather, one of their own. Lena tangled the fingers of one hand in Kara’s hair, the other clinging to the back of her neck, her breath escaping on a shuddering sigh as she melted into her.

 

But then Kara broke the kiss with a whisper of her name, eased away. It was only a fraction of space, really, only a couple of inches, but it felt like miles. Dazed, Lena blinked her eyes open, stared into the wide, surprised blue of Kara’s. “Wait,” Kara said, inhaling quickly, her thumbs tracing Lena’s cheeks before her hands fell away again. Lena missed them instantly, missed the familiar feel of them against her skin in such an unfamiliar way.

 

Panic seized her, constricting in her chest, and Lena moved to step back, out, away. But Kara’s hands caught hers and squeezed, held her in place before she could follow instinct and retreat.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lena managed, her voice stilted, her eyes darting away. “That was inappropriate. I should have said something before I just-”

 

“It’s okay.” Kara squeezed her hands again and Lena looked up, saw a small smile tilting her lips and color staining the curves of her cheeks. And her eyes, oh, they were… Lena couldn’t help but stare, caught up in her, though her chest was still tight with worry as Kara cast a glance over her shoulder and then looked back to Lena again. “Um… Come in. Jeez, you’re soaked.” She reached up and touched the ends of Lena’s dripping hair, caught a strand between her thumb and forefinger for a moment before her hands dropped to her sides. “I’ll get you something to change into.”

 

“I… I should go.”

 

“No.” Kara shook her head once, quickly, panic flitting through her eyes. “No, you shouldn’t. Please stay. I’m just… I wasn’t expecting you tonight and I...” She caught her lips between her teeth and glanced back over her shoulder. Lena finally peered beyond Kara into the living room to see what held her attention.

 

And there, sat on the arm of Kara’s couch looking thoroughly unimpressed, was Alex Danvers.

 

She sat with her arms folded across her chest and her eyebrows raised, lips pursed in a thin line. Her eyes, dark and unreadable, stared straight at Lena as Kara tugged her gently into the apartment and shut the door behind her.

 

The panic in Lena’s chest grew tenfold at the sight of her, but she jerked her chin up nonetheless, determined to hide behind her usual mask of indifference. She wouldn’t let Alex intimidate her. No one scared a Luthor, not even some hardass who wasn’t a cop, but was “something like that” (which Lena took to mean some sort of agent, FBI maybe, which was… only slightly intimidating). Of all the people Lena had grown closer to, she was the hardest to read. She was almost certain that Alex didn’t like her, especially after that whole fiasco a few months back.

 

But Lena wasn’t running now. She was done running, unless running towards Kara counted.

 

(She counted it as something different, something better. Braver. She hoped Kara did too.)

 

“Luthor,” Alex acknowledged, tipping her chin up in a small nod. “That’s one way to make an entrance.”

 

“I-” Lena colored. She couldn’t help the way the heat flooded her cheeks and burned in her ears. She hadn’t really expected to be confronted about it by anyone who wasn’t Kara and now she was reminded quite blatantly of just what Alex had seen. God, it was mortifying, and Lena was struggling to find a reply as Alex smirked at her from across the room.

 

“Alex,” Kara cut in with obvious exasperation, saving Lena from replying. “Stop being rude.”

 

Alex help up two hands as if to show she was unarmed. “I wasn’t being rude. Just making an observation.” Her smirk tilted up a notch as she looked to Lena again. “Didn’t think you had the balls to be honest.”

 

“You’re awful.” Kara rolled her eyes and turned in the direction of her bedroom. “Come on, Lena. Let’s get you something dry.” And with that, she disappeared down the hall, moving as quickly as she always did. Lena moved to follow, but Alex caught her arm as she passed.

 

Her smirk had fallen and she was staring hard at Lena now, studying her in a way that made her feel like an animal Alex wasn’t certain was going to attack or not. “If you hurt her, Lena, I swear to fucking God I will kick your ass.”

 

“I...” Jesus, was she getting a shovel talk? It was a little early for that, wasn’t it? She hadn’t even wanted anyone else to know, hadn’t wanted to share this with anyone but Kara. And now here was Alex with her threats and her dagger eyes, the protective older sibling Lena vaguely remembered Lex being before he’d lost himself. And honestly, she couldn’t promise anything like that because… well, she was almost certain one of them would end up hurting. She’d just decided that maybe, just maybe, it was worth the risk.

 

“I’ll try not to.” It was the best she could offer and Alex’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Do you care about her?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Do you love her?”

 

“Do I-” Lena’s heart skipped and the blood rushed in her ears. The question left her reeling and she could only stare at Alex, unable to answer. Love was such a strong word, a powerful concept. Lena was sure it was a nonexistent one as well, though saying so to the older sister of the girl she’d just kissed seemed rather unwise. Lena twisted her fingers together and looked away, her eyes moving to the hallway to stare in the direction Kara had gone.

 

She thought the world of her. Her day was brighter when Kara entered it and when she wasn’t there, everything felt so… ordinary. So disconnected. Lena knew she cared a great deal for her and there was very little she wouldn’t do for her. Which included running to her apartment in the middle of the night, through the pouring rain, on feet that ached from practicing far more than she was meant to.

 

But love?

 

“I don’t know how to answer that,” she confessed quietly. “I wouldn’t know how to know.”

 

The irritation that had started to shape Alex’s features shifted with surprise, then softened with something Lena didn’t want to identify.

 

(She was afraid it was pity, and she didn’t want any of that. Didn’t need it.)

 

Alex glanced in the direction Kara had gone as well, no doubt figuring out as Lena had that she couldn’t keep her here much longer before Kara noticed and came back to get her. When she looked back to Lena again, that softness was gone, but there was something like understanding in its place.

 

“Be good to her,” she said, releasing Lena’s arm at last as she pushed off of the couch and headed for the door. She grabbed her coat and her bag from where they hung, offered Lena a casual two-finger salute as she swung the door open. “Tell Kara I’ll call her tomorrow.” And then she was gone, the door clicking quietly shut behind her.

 

And she was alone with Kara.

 

Which, while that had admittedly been the original plan, now felt quite daunting.

 

Lena twisted her fingers together in front of her, picked at the skin around her nails, and looked at the door with a moment’s consideration before shaking it off. There was no way she was going to leave again, not after last time. She hadn’t run all of this way just to turn around and disappear, and she was not going to let herself hurt Kara like that. She wouldn’t let herself be a coward, not with this. No, for better or for worse, she was going to stay and see this through.

 

Kara appeared again a moment later looking rather worried, though that cleared when she spotted Lena still standing where she’d left her. The fact that Kara would worry about her leaving had guilt curling in her stomach and she hugged her arms around herself, only just realizing how cold she was. Little shivers were shooting down her spine and beneath the fingers she pressed into her own arms, she could feel the raised gooseflesh.

 

“I didn’t want to drip all over your apartment,” Lena offered as an excuse for having stayed where she was. Easier to say that than selling Alex out for being super protective. Somehow she didn’t think Kara would take kindly to her sister’s conversations with Lena. “Um… Alex left.” _Obviously, Lena._ Lena let her eyes circle the apartment, carefully avoiding meeting Kara’s. “She said she’d call you tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.” Kara smiled slightly and dropped the pile of clothes in her arms on the arm of the couch. Still clutching a towel, she stepped closer to Lena, the movement snapping green eyes back to her. “Did you want to take a shower to warm up? You’re shivering.”

 

“No.” She didn’t want that time to think. “Thank you.”

 

“Alright.” Kara took another step forward, then another, until she stood right in front of Lena again. Their eyes met and locked, stayed that way as Kara brought the towel up and swung it over Lena’s shoulders so that she could drape it over her head like a nun’s habit. “The hills are alive,” Kara sung teasingly, and Lena laughed a little, relaxing as Kara used the towel to scrub at her hair. It was gentle and soothing, the way Kara gathered up her hair in and squeezed the moisture from it, again and again until she was no longer dripping. She ran it across her scalp as well, then simply draped the towel around her shoulders like a cape.

 

“Thank you,” Lena said, voice soft and uncertain, her eyes still caught up in the crystal blue of Kara’s.

 

“Sure.” Kara tilted her head, one corner of her mouth tilting up.

 

The silence came again, but it was full of so many things that might as well have been shouting. And still it felt comfortable, safe, and the little niggling desire Lena had at the back of her mind to make excuses to go faded away. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth her eyes flickering from Kara to the pile of clothes on the couch behind her.

 

“Are those for me?” she asked, soft and just a little teasing.

 

“What? Oh. Oh, yeah.” Kara laughed and stepped back, then stepped back again, picking up the clothes in order to offer them to Lena. “We can toss your stuff in the wash after you change.”

 

Lena nodded and took the clothes, started towards the bathroom. Kara’s hand caught hers as she passed, though judging from the look on her face, she hadn’t intended the gesture.

 

“Sorry,” she said, laughing again, her free hand combing through her hair. “I just, um… I’m really happy you came over, Lena. I didn’t think-- I mean, after your mom came and-- I just...wasn’t expecting to see you again.” And there’s an implied _ever_ there that made the guilt twist again, but Lena pushed it away. She knows that wasn’t what Kara was trying to make her feel and she knew she didn’t have to feel it.

 

Because she was here, and Kara was here and she was… she was going to try. For her.

 

“I can leave again if you want,” Lena teased, squeezing Kara’s fingers in return when her cheeks dimpled.

 

“No way, José. You’re stuck here now.” She released Lena’s hand, shooed her towards the bathroom. “Now go change before you get sick.”

 

So she did, slipping into the too-long sweatpants and familiar blue sweatshirt that surrounded her with the scent of Kara – warm vanilla sugar. She buried her nose in the collar a moment and stood, eyes closed and feet bare, just breathing her in.

 

And she was smiling when she stepped out to find Kara again.

 

“There you are,” Kara said, grinning. “Come here.” She grabbed Lena’s hand and pulled her into the bedroom, circling around the other side of the bed until Lena could see the nest of blankets and pillows she’d thrown together while Lena was changing. She’d tossed open her wide bedroom window so that the sound of the rain filled their ears, heavy and unrelenting.

 

“I thought maybe we could lay here and watch the storm,” she said quietly, her eyes on the window. “I always do my best thinking during rainstorms and I figured that we… maybe we have some thinking to do?” The words ticked up uncertainly, like Kara wasn’t quite sure what they were doing. When Lena only looked at her, she rushed on. “Or maybe just some talking. Or we could, you know, just lay here. What do you think?”

 

“I think...” Lena nodded slowly. “It’s a good idea.”

 

“Which part?”

 

She turned her head and met Kara’s gaze, smile tinted with humor. There was such a lightness in her and despite the promise of a conversation between them regarding what had happened, Lena had never felt quite like this before. She knew she should be worried or afraid, but she wasn’t. Not yet. And maybe that would come later, but for now…

 

She just wanted to lay with Kara and listen to the rain.

 

//

 

Lena ended up falling asleep to the sound of it, curled into Kara’s side with her arm tucked beneath her head, Kara’s fingers carding slowly through her hair. It had been a long day and she was honestly so tired and this was the best she’d felt since… Well, since she’d been with Kara earlier.

 

She only stirred when thunder rumbled and Kara jolted beside her, flinching at the sound.

 

“Sorry,” Kara mumbled as she squirmed a little, pulling the blankets up to her chin. Her fingers were tangled in Lena’s hair now, palm and fingers flat against the top of her head, and Lena could just make out the way they trembled. “I don’t like… thunder. Or loud noises like that.”

 

Still groggy, it took Lena a moment to put together what Kara was talking about. Noises like thunder? And then it registered.

 

Explosions.

 

God, had Kara been in the house when her parents were killed? Had she been close by? Or had she simply been shaken by nightmares since it had happened, the sound manifesting again and again as she tried to save them? Lena didn’t want to ask, but she did want to relieve some of the tension she felt coiled in Kara’s body.

 

Lena gave Kara a reassuring smile and sat up, nudging the blankets aside before standing and crossing to the windows. She closed them quietly, latched them, drew the blinds to block out as much of the lighting flashes as possible. With that done, she crossed back to Kara, slipping back into the blankets and against her side.

 

Immediately Kara’s arm slipped around her waist and Lena turned to face her, their heads resting on the same pillow so that they were all but nose to nose. Lena drew the blankets up over their heads, cocooning them in silence. She hesitated before tracing her fingers over the curve of Kara’s cheek, so soft and warm, dimpling when a smile curved her lips upward. Lena traced that too and sighed, tilting forward to ease their foreheads together.

 

“Better?” she asked. Kara nodded.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Lena hummed in acknowledgment, drifting again in the warmth and quiet.

 

“Lena,” Kara whispered, tilting her chin up to lay her lips on Lena’s forhead.

 

“Mm.”

 

“Will you stay tonight?”

 

Lena shifted and tucked her head beneath Kara’s chin, her arm dropping to fall across her waist. “Couldn’t keep me away,” she mumbled into her shirt and Kara chuckled.

 

“Or awake,” she teased, fingers finding Lena’s hair again. And then, softer, “Sleep.”

 

And so she did.

 

//

 

She woke again at half past midnight, both of them still curled up in their nest of blankets on the floor. Kara had drifted at some point as well and Lena laid there for long minutes, listening to her heart beat beneath her ear, content never to move again if that’s what it took to keep feeling like this.

 

But she did move eventually, shifted enough so that she could look down at Kara through the dark. God, she was so beautiful. Lena wasn’t sure how it was possible for someone to look like her, to _be_ like her. It was almost inhuman, how amazing she was. Lena felt a smile tug at her lips, soft and full of all the affection she harbored inside of her for Kara Danvers.

 

As if feeling her eyes, Kara stirred, blinked, stared blearily back at Lena. And then she smiled, soft and sleepy, her lashes fluttering as she warded off sleep. “You stayed,” she murmured, a hand lifting to tangle in Lena’s hair again.

 

“I stayed,” Lena agreed softly.

 

“Good.”

 

Lena laughed quietly and leaned down, her forehead nudging sweetly against Kara’s as it had earlier. “Are you sleeping? You should sleep.”

 

“No. Nope.” A yawn broke through before Kara blinked her eyes open again. “I’m awake now.”

 

“Good,” Lena said with a small smile, her breath catching in her lungs. Her heart started to flutter like it had before, quick and nervous. “Kara? Can I ask you something?”

 

“Mhm. Yeah, of course.”

 

“Was… was it okay? That I kissed you before?” And oh, god, asking made it suddenly real again, especially when Kara’s eyes suddenly found their focus and meeting Lena’s squarely. Lena inhaled shakily and dropped her gaze, focusing instead on where she fiddled with blonde hair against Kara’s shoulder. “I probably should’ve talked to you first, should’ve asked if it was okay. I just… I knew I’d lose my nerve if I didn’t do it right when you opened the door. I couldn’t think about anything else or I’d run again, I know I would have. I’m not very brave or-”

 

Kara surged up, her fingers curling into Lena’s hair as she kissed her.

 

“Lena,” she breathed against her lips. Dazed, unable to breathe, Lena closed her eyes. “You are… the bravest person I know.” And then Kara was kissing her again and she could only kiss her back, fingers tight in the blankets beneath their bodies.

 

Lena had not been ready to have their first kiss and Kara hadn’t been prepared for their second, but this time they met in the middle.

 

Lena kissed with a hesitance stemming from inexperience. Before Kara, there had been no one but a handful of boys her mother had encouraged partnerships with. Those kisses had been brief and unpleasant and Lena hadn’t been able to switch her mind off during any of them. _When is it okay to stop?_ had been a commonly occurring question. But with Kara, her mind was silent. All she could focus on was how soft her lips were, how sweet, how well they seemed to fit against her own. She could only feel the warmth that spread through her, tingling in every nerve ending, the embers catching in her chest and belly.

 

And Kara’s hands were so gentle, threading through her hair and stroking down her arm, easing the tension there until Lena was melting into her. She cupped her cheek and stroked a thumb along the high edge of it, pushed her hand into Lena’s hair again when it tumbled down around their faces. They were pressed so close now that she could feel the drum of Kara’s heart against her chest, a beat to match her own.

 

It was a gentle kiss, but eager, their lips breaking apart when they needed to breathe only to come together again. Kara kissed the same way she approached most things in life – head on, with a single-minded enthusiasm that Lena had never understood until this moment.

 

Kara did not let her worries or fears deter her. There was true bravery in optimism because it was a choice. Kara chose to believe in the good of the world and the good in Lena, and that led her heart to this, to the joy they found in one another. And Lena, caught in her orbit, felt drawn to it. Like the sun, she thought fleetingly when Kara caught her hand and twined their fingers.

 

(Kara was the sun.)

 

“We should probably talk,” Lena managed when they broke apart again.

 

Kara blinked open blue eyes, smiled almost dreamily up at Lena as she played with the ends of her hair. “Do we have to?” she teased, her nose nudging into Lena’s. Lena swallowed, her eyes falling to Kara’s lips before quickly flickering back up. Kara’s smile grew until it glowed in her eyes.

 

“Probably. Yes.”

 

“Right now?”

 

“I… suppose it doesn’t have to be now.”

 

“Good.”

 

Kara rolled them abruptly, her hand cradling the back of Lena’s head as she did so until their bodies were unforgivably tangled in their blankets and Lena was laughing breathlessly beneath her. Kara sprinkled kisses across her face – her forehead, her cheeks, her chin, her nose – and then found her lips again and Lena softened, going pliant beneath her weight as they sank into one another. Later would come, but for now she was content to lift her hands and slide them through Kara’s hair, enjoying the way her fingers caught in the curls.

 

She didn’t know what this meant for them. She couldn’t begin to guess. There were so many obstacles in their way and she wasn’t ready to think about what came with this, what came with kissing Kara and spending time with her and feeling… whatever she was feeling for her. And for now, it didn’t matter. For now, they could just have it.

 

(For once in her life, Lena could just be.)

 

//

 

They kissed until they were too exhausted to carry on and then fell asleep, curled together like puppies in their nest of blankets. When Kara’s alarm went off the next morning, they rose together and Lena was surprised to find that there was no awkwardness between them. Though she felt a little shy, Kara only offered soft smiles and gentle forehead kisses, soothing words, comforting touches. She made them breakfast (which Lena picked at convincingly) and then Kara stood behind her and twisted her hair into one of her intricate braids.

 

(When she was done, she pressed a kiss to the skin of Lena’s shoulder and made her shiver.)

 

Kara drove her home and Lena rushed upstairs to change before climbing into Kara’s car again. And while they drove, Kara almost casually offered a hand, which Lena hesitantly slipped hers into, mind reeling. They talked quietly as they drove and the warm, shining quality of their night together stretched out almost until they reached the studio.

 

The closer they got, however, the quieter Lena grew. The worry started to nag her, an insistent hum in her belly. The fingers of her free hand twisted the strap of her bag around and around, back and forth, and the humming turned into the flutter of anxiety she so hated.

 

“Kara,” she said when they parked, her hand pulling delicately away. “I’m not… I’m not ready to...”

 

“To be together in public.” Kara looked over at her, smiled in understanding. “I kind of figured that.” She made a show of looking around the empty parking lot before leaning across the console and kissing Lena softly. A kiss Lena returned with some relief, glad that Kara didn’t seem to mind, that she understood what Lena needed without her having to explain.

 

Because she wasn’t like Alex and Maggie. She wasn’t like Kara. She was not unapologetic about what she was and she honestly wasn’t certain she ever could be. In her profession, in her life, what she was… it was something she had to hide.

 

 _(“You aren’t_ that way, _Lena. Enough.”)_

 

Well, she knew she very much was… what she was. And obviously Kara knew too, and Alex. But no one else. No one else could know, not yet.

 

Maybe not ever.

 

“It’s okay, honey,” Kara told her, reaching up to tuck a stray curl back behind Lena’s ear where it escaped the braid (her mother would lecture her if she saw, but she couldn’t bring herself to care). “You’re okay.”

 

But even as Lena smiled in return, she wondered if it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr is @proudlyunicorn hit me up there (:


	9. vole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm sorry this took longer than normal, guys! I was so, so sick last weekend and whatever bug it was kind of clung to me all week (and circulated through the family I work for so it stuck around the house too). It made writing so, so hard. My brain just wasn't working. :( But here it is at last!  
> You guys are the absolute best. Thanks so much for your comments and your messages on tumblr. They absolutely mean the whole world to me and really help to inspire this story.  
> As usual, this is unedited and I reaaally hope it doesn't suck lmao xx  
> ALSO a big shout-out to my pal Eva (@atonguetiedwriter) who helped me out when I was struggling to even start this chapter. This chapter's for you, bud.

Their rainstorm was only the first in a long line of horrible weather that week, but thankfully the thunder and lightning only happened sporadically. Mostly it stuck to rain and dreary, foggy in-between moments where everything felt dull and gray and the mist made the streets look like something out of the _film noir_ movies Lex had favored when they were younger.

 

It made rehearsals feel endless and for the first time in her life, Lena simply had no patience for it. God, especially the studio hours where she danced in front of the mirrors. She couldn’t help but seek Kara out in them constantly, their eyes meeting through the glass so that Kara smiled and fiddled with her glasses, her head ducking almost shyly. It never failed to make Lena smile as well, though that was usually followed by her looking quickly away, worried someone might notice.

 

(And that was always followed by a swift stab of guilt and a certainty that this time would be the breaking point for Kara. But whenever she inevitably found her in the mirrors again, Kara still smiled that same smile every time without change.)

 

It was hard to figure out where the line was now between spending time with Kara and spending _obvious_ time with Kara. Suddenly, small things they’d done together in public before sharing long, lazy kisses felt like too much, felt too obvious, as if they might as well start advertising the shift in their relationship with badges and billboards.

 

Lena liked it best when the other dancers trickled out and left them alone, when Kara sat and played and watched Lena dance before convincing her to skip out an hour earlier than Lena normally would. She liked when Kara dragged her to her classes, where she got to thrill her class of seven six-year-old girls and three six-year-old boys by co-teaching and when the girls from the first class she’d visited threw themselves at her for hugs, even though she just sat and watched. She liked when Kara was locking up the building and they somehow ended up in Cat Grant’s office with Lena’s back against the wall, lips curved as they pressed together.

 

She liked when every night ended with Kara asking her to come over.

 

Kara’s apartment had become a sanctuary, a place away from her demanding mother and the stresses of her work. And it was so much cozier, sitting and listening to the rain while bundled in a pile of Kara’s blankets and dressed in the same blue sweatshirt night after night. Everything smelled like Kara, everything _felt_ like Kara, and it was the most comforting place she could think of to be.

 

It was morning, but hard to tell with how gray it was outside. Ms. Grant had canceled Sunday rehearsal due to an emergency with her son and so Lena was at Kara’s. It was a very rare day off, especially so close to the show’s opening, and Lena knew she should be taking advantage of the home studio at the Luthor estate, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Instead she half-dozed on the couch, watching Kara as she played her upright piano across the room from her.

 

She loved watching her like this, so lost in whatever she was playing. There was no sheet music in front of her and Lena wondered if she was playing something from memory or if she was just improvising. Lena had seen her do both, but she liked her improvisations best. They always told her what Kara was feeling, what state of mind she was in.

 

This particular song was slow and pretty. Not quite a lullaby, but not so far off, and it was what had Lena’s lashes fluttering as she fought off the exhaustion of a long week.

 

And yet even as she watched, the sun broke through the clouds and shone through the windows, filling the room with light. She blinked against the abrupt shift and watched the beams wash over Kara, listened as the song suddenly swelled and brightened with the sunshine.

 

It stole her breath, how beautiful Kara was then, caught in Sunday morning sun after a week of nothing but dull and dreary gray. Her heart stalled and turned over in her chest.

 

(It felt like falling, but she wouldn’t let herself dwell on that.)

 

Lena pushed aside her blankets and stood, crossing quietly to Kara. She dropped a hand on one shoulder, hesitated a moment before dipping down to press her lips to the other. It honestly still amazed her that she was allowed to, that the simple, affectionate gesture could bring such a warm smile to Kara’s lips as she filled her apartment with song.

 

“Sit with me,” Kara invited, so Lena did, sliding onto the bench and leaning into her side as Kara played.

 

“Kara,” she all but whispered, her voice so low that it was practically inaudible beneath the music. Kara still heard.

 

(She always heard Lena because she always listened.)

 

“Hm?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

Kara turned her head, her lips pressing to Lena’s hair as she slowed the music again. “Of course,” she said, taking Lena’s hands in hers, bringing them to the keys so that they could play together. Lena’s fingers weren’t nearly as clever with the music as Kara’s, but Kara never seemed to mind and weaved complicated melodies over Lena’s simple ones until they were creating together.

 

Despite her hesitant question, Lena was silent for a long time after that. She wasn’t sure how to ask what she wanted to, or if she should, and Kara didn’t push her on it. She never did. It seemed she was content to follow Lena’s lead, to move at her glacial pace, and while Lena was grateful for her patience, she kind of wished she’d take charge in a few areas.

 

Because honestly? Lena had no idea what she was doing.

 

She dropped her hands from the piano and turned her head, nuzzling with a sigh against the underside of Kara’s jaw. Kara smiled slightly and Lena smiled because she did, chin tilting up so she could brush her lips over the same spot she’d just pressed her nose to.

 

Kara stopped playing then and she caught Lena’s hand, twining their fingers as her lips sought a proper kiss. Lena gladly sank into it and sighed again, a sound of pure contentment as they melted together. Kissing Kara always felt so lovely, a balm over frayed nerves, a settling of the twisting anxiety that almost always churned in her stomach. Even just being with Kara did that to be honest, but this was… more, somehow. A coming home she didn’t realize she could find in another person.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Kara asked her as she threaded her fingers through Lena’s loose hair, a habit she’d fallen into since that first night. Lena liked it, liked that it seemed like something she couldn’t resist doing. Most of the time she really didn’t understand what it was that Kara saw in her, but these small details made her feel wanted without words even being necessary. She was wanted by this amazing girl, to kiss and touch and just spend time with. There was something in Lena that Kara saw and sought and that alone felt like a miracle. Lena smiled with the thought.

 

“You,” she said honestly, saw the flicker of surprise in Kara’s eyes before her expression warmed with a smile.

 

Lena reached up, hesitated, then traced her thumb over her lip. Kara responded by pressing a kiss to the pad of it and Lena’s chest constricted. She was so full of affection for this girl that she almost couldn’t stand it. There was so _much_ in her for her. What was she supposed to do with it? How was it possible that when she thought she couldn’t fit any other feelings inside of her heart, Kara could do something as simple as smile and there was suddenly _more_?

 

“What are we doing?” The words escaped her in a rush and Kara’s forehead crinkled.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I… I mean, are we just...” She waved a hand between them, let it fall to her lap where she twisted her fingers anxiously together. “Are we just… are we just kissing? Or is there- are we-”

 

Kara’s confusion suddenly cleared and she grinned, her hands lifting to frame Lena’s face. She tilted her chin up and laid her lips gently on Lena’s, made the tension seep out of her until her fingers untwisted and she was holding onto the crooks of Kara’s elbows.

 

“Are you trying to ask me if we’re… dating?” Kara ventured and Lena felt the heat burn up her throat and into her cheeks. Too nervous to vocalize the question, she only nodded, uncertain eyes locked with Kara’s unwavering gaze. “I’ve kind of been wondering the same thing.”

 

“You have?”

 

“Yeah.” Kara laughed and brushed her nose against Lena’s, tugging a smile from her. “I mean, we aren’t technically I guess? We don’t go out and do date things. But we do this.” She motioned between them, fingers combing through Lena’s hair as she nudged their foreheads together. “And I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

 

“Me neither,” Lena quickly agreed, fingers dropping to curl into Kara’s shirt.

 

“So maybe...” Kara sucked her lips between her teeth, held them there as they continued to stare at one another. Lena felt her heart fluttering in her chest, fast and light, a hummingbird heartbeat. “If you want, we could… if it’s not too, like, high school? We could be-”

 

“Be my girlfriend.” Lena said it quickly. She needed to say it, needed to be the one who pushed that step forward, even if she could only do it knowing that it was what Kara wanted as well. It was a small thing, just a word, but it felt important.

 

And when Kara smiled, everything in her just… lit up. Like the Sunday sun breaking through a week’s worth of bad weather.

 

“Yes,” Kara breathed, laughing as she pressed kisses across Lena’s face. “Yes, yes, yes.”

 

Lena bit her lip, ducking her head as she struggled to contain the massive smile she could feel tugging at her mouth. But then Kara sprang up from the bench and dragged Lena up into her arms, twirling them in a sort of impromptu dance, and she couldn’t help it. She laughed and wrapped around her, let herself be spun.

 

Kara kissed her again and she pressed up onto her toes, kissing her back with so much joy that neither of them could help their smile.

 

//

 

Lena wanted more rehearsal after stage practice the following week, so though it was late, she and Kara crossed the road from the theatre to the studio. Kara unlocked the doors and they headed upstairs through the dark halls, only turning on the lights in the studio itself. Kara stood beside the stereo system, watching her as she did a couple of stretches. Lena kept looking up and catching her eyes, and though she smiled in return, there was something serious in her eyes that made Lena more than a little nervous.

 

“Is something wrong?” she asked after a moment, straightening to turn and face Kara again. But she only smiled and shook her head.

 

“Ready?”

 

Lena nodded and Kara switched on the music for her, watching quietly as Lena launched into one of her solos.

 

The music changed some time later, though Lena wasn’t sure how much time had passed, and she glanced back at Kara with confusion, only to see her walking closer. Lena tilted her head and considered her, wondering what had her looking so serious still, even despite the smile she wore as she drew close enough to touch.

 

“Will you dance with me?” she requested softly, reaching out to toy with a loose strand of Lena’s hair, and what answer could she give besides yes? She removed her _pointe_ shoes as quickly as she could and then stepped into Kara’s arms, immediately at ease when they curled around her. After all, they were alone. No one could see them, no one was here. They had this time just for them and there was nowhere that compared with being held by Kara.

 

“I don’t really know how to dance like this,” she said, as she had months and months before at the club they’d gone to together. This music was far more contemporary than she was used to and without her shoes, she felt small and uncertain. But the song was slow and Kara only drew her closer, their noses nudging together.

 

“It’s okay,” Kara promised, her voice low and soothing. “We can figure it out together.”

 

They moved together amazingly well for two people who’d never truly danced together before, improvising steps the way they improvised small tunes when they sat at Kara’s piano. Lena let her lead because it was simpler to match her abilities to Kara’s than the other way around, and it was more creative than anything she would have come up with in any case.

 

Lena laughed as Kara spun her out, then drew her back in. She smiled when Kara smiled, adjusting to the slightest pressure of her hands against her hips. At one point, those hands curved over her waist and held in such a way that Lena bent her knees, leaping automatically into the half lift that Kara executed with surprising strength before slowly lowering Lena to her again.

 

They were closer now suddenly, Lena’s front sliding down the length of Kara’s, and it sparked something warm in her chest that had her breath catching as her arms circled Kara’s neck. They weren’t moving now, just standing and watching each other, and that something serious was back in Kara’s eyes. Lena didn’t want to know what it was, not now, not yet, and so she pressed up on her toes to meet Kara’s lips with her own.

 

She kissed her more firmly than she ever had before, shocked to find how that spark from before spread and heated as she nudged herself closer and Kara’s hands smoothed over her waist and up her back. A hum of pure pleasure vibrated in her throat, caught there as she tangled her fingers in Kara’s loose hair. A hand pushed impatiently into her hair in turn, scattering pins until the heavy weight of it tumbled down around her shoulders. However inexperienced she might have been, she knew what this was. Attraction. No, not just attraction...

 

Desire.

 

It was both amazing and terrifying to realize she’s capable of feeling that way outside of her dreams.

 

She broke the kiss with a quiet gasp and Kara tilted her chin up to press her lips to her forehead instead.

 

“Lena,” she murmured in that sweet soft voice she reserved just for her. She didn’t seem to have anything else to add. Just her name breathed into her skin as her lips curved into a smile, still pressed to Lena’s forehead. Lena closed her eyes and let herself sink into their lingering embrace, relieved that Kara wasn’t pressing her to continue. She wasn’t ready for that.

 

(And yet part of her worried that Kara didn’t press because she didn’t feel the same way, and that was something she couldn’t think about for too long.)

 

Kara’s laugh broke the silence that fell between them and when Lena drew back a fraction to look at her, she wore a somewhat sheepish expression. The hand in Lena’s hair disentangled, plucked a dangling pin on its way out to hold up between them.

 

“Sorry,” she said between quiet giggles. “I think I owe you new pins. There’s no way we’re going to find all of these.”

 

“I would certainly think that you do,” Lena agreed haughtily, though she knew from the way Kara continued to grin at her that she could see the humor in her eyes. She didn’t care about the pins. She didn’t even care about the state her hair was no doubt in. What did it matter when Kara’s hands were what had caused the disarray, when it was Kara’s fingers now plucking out the few pins that had survived the massacre of her bun? Lena felt more carefree in this moment just being with Kara than she did anywhere else in her life and it was all because of this amazing girl whose smile went soft when she looked back at her, whose eyes got that serious quality again, though Lena now recognized that there was nothing bad about the seriousness. Kara looked at her and all she saw was sincerity, the deep affection, the… something she couldn’t name.

 

“Lena,” she said, voice dipping low as she stuffed the few pins into her pocket and touched her fingertips to her cheek. Lena’s heart drummed quickly now, the _thud, thud, thud_ reverberating so loudly that she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Kara dipped down and brushed their lips together again, affectionate and unhurried, and Lena curled her fingers into her shirt to draw her closer. “Lena, I-”

 

“There you- holy fucking shit.”

 

Lena sprang out of Kara’s hold, whirling towards the door where a wide-eyed Lucy stood staring. Instant heat flooded her face and burned up her neck before it all drained away again with her sudden terror. She could all but feel her face go pale and it made her dizzy, made her head spin to the point she stumbled back a step. Kara’s hand reached out and steadied her, but she jolted away as if scalded, her arms folding around herself.

 

(She tried not to notice the flash of hurt that crossed Kara’s face before she looked away, but the shame and guilt churned to life in her gut and she felt like she was going to be sick.)

 

Lucy was looking back and forth between them and when her gaze landed on Lena, there was obvious concern. She stepped slowly into the room, hands held up in a come-in-peace gesture, and Lena’s eyes followed like a cornered stray’s, ready to bolt.

 

“Sorry,” she said slowly, still looking between the room’s two silent occupants. “We were looking for you guys and I saw the lights on up here so I thought you might be up here. I didn’t realize you were...” She waved a hand vaguely between them. “I can, uh… I can go?”

 

“It’s fine,” Kara said, her voice quiet as she crossed to the sound system and flipped it off. Lena clenched her jaw and tried to ignore the way Kara’s voice wavered, tried to ignore the way she could _feel_ her eyes staring at her, but the nausea only increased, stomach tying itself into slippery knots. “I was just heading out anyway.” Lena closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of Kara gathering her things, the only sound in the room besides her own jagged breathing. Kara stopped beside her, but she didn’t touch, didn’t come too close.

 

“Bye, Lena,” she said. Lena could only nod, her eyes still closed, fingertips digging into the skin of her arms to keep from reaching out. Kara hesitated another moment and then moved past her. “Bye, Lucy,” she heard her whisper in that same quavering voice before she was jogging from the room, the door clicking quietly shut behind her.

 

Silence.

 

Then Lucy let out a low whistle, moving closer, almost casual as she said, “So, I’m really pissed at you two.”

 

Lena’s eyes snapped open and her chin jerked up, jaw clenching tight as she fought to keep her expression neutral. Lucy was allowed to be mad, wasn’t she? Lena was kissing her friend. Lena was taking Kara’s time away from their group for things like this, extra long practice hours and stolen kisses and nights spent tucked away in Kara’s apartment, away from everyone else because Lena just wasn’t comfortable sharing this part of herself. It was selfish, she was selfish, and Lucy had the right to be mad at her about that. They all did.

 

But Kara… Kara was sweet and patient and kind. Lena wanted to be with her and she wasn’t ashamed of that. She was just… scared. And Kara understood, or she’d thought she did. She was so careful with Lena always. She didn’t deserve their ire because Lena was a coward. That much she would not stand for. Lena let her eyes go cold, chin jerking up another fraction of an inch.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Don’t use that hoity-toity tone with me, Luthor.” Lucy jabbed a light finger into Lena’s chest and it took everything in her not to flinch away from it. “You just cost me fifty bucks.”

 

“Well I-” Lena froze, stared. “Wait, what?”

 

Lucy heaved a sigh, long-winded and dramatic.

 

“Yup. Fifty big ones lost to Maggie goddamn Sawyer. All because you two couldn’t keep your hands off of each other for another month.” She gave Lena a crooked smile, but there was an underlying concern in her eyes as she studied her. “I figured out you were kind of head-over-heels a few weeks ago. I think Maggie’s known way longer. Alex is oblivious, of course.” Lucy rolled her eyes and Lena thought, _was,_ because Alex had been there when Lena had gone to Kara’s and kissed her that first time.

 

Which meant Maggie probably already knew, something she hadn’t considered until just now. Oh god, this was so overwhelming.

 

“Hey. Listen, Lena. You know I don’t care, right?” Lena looked up at her and Lucy winced, laughing slightly. “I mean, I _care,_ but it’s not… Jesus, this is hard to say right.” She paced in a quick circle, then tossed her hands up and spun back towards Lena again. Lena watched all this in absolute confusion, though she’d take that over the dread that had been circling her stomach moments ago.

 

“My best friend’s gay as hell, in case you didn’t notice. She’s dating another lady who’s also gay as hell. Her baby sister? She’s into people in general, doesn’t matter what gender they are, or if they even have a gender at all.” Lena has no idea what that meant, and the question must be in her eyes because Lucy sighed and waved it away. “What I mean is, it’s cool. We’re cool with you being gay, you know? Not that you need our approval, but you have it.”

 

Lena sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly dizzy all over again. No one had ever just flat out said it, no one had ever just casually said she was… that. Lucy said it like it was nothing, but it was everything. It was immense.

 

She stumbled backwards a couple of steps until her back collided with something solid, slid down what turned out to be the mirrored wall until she sat fully on the floor. Silent, trembling, she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that this was real. People knew, this was happening, and it was both horrifying and relieving to have people know. Because it meant someone else knew how she felt, someone other than Kara or her sister. Someone she could talk to about things, if she ever got up the courage.

 

Lucy dropped down next to her, moving slowly as she reached out an arm and wrapped it around her shoulders. When Lena didn’t flinch away, she heard Lucy sigh, her arm pulling her in until Lena was pressed against her side, hip to hip.

 

“You’re okay, kiddo,” she said quietly, tilting her head onto Lena’s shoulder. “We’ve got you. You’re okay.”

 

Lena drew in a deep breath.

 

“I’m gay,” she whispered, her voice all but silent as she surrendered the word to the universe.

 

“Yeah, I got that,” Lucy joked quietly, though her arm squeezed Lena’s shoulders gently. “Cost me fifty bucks, remember?”

 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Lena decided, her cheek dropping down to rest against the top of Lucy’s head. “Promise.”

 

They sat in silence for a long time until Lucy’s phone went off, a reminder that she hadn’t been alone in looking for Lena and Kara. No doubt the others were waiting around for them.

 

“I gotta head out. You coming?”

 

“No,” Lena said softly. “I’m going to stay here a bit longer, then head out. I’ll lock up for Kara, don’t worry.”

 

“Cool. See you, Luthor.” Lucy gave her a wave and then headed out. She could hear her answer her phone as she went, voice echoing in the hall. _Nah, couldn’t find them. I’ll meet you there._

 

Lena thought of Kara, wondered if she should go after her. She still felt guilty and part of her, the desperate part that was so, so afraid of pushing Kara away, urged her to go now, to run, to hurry as fast as she could. But there was a new voice inside of her now, one Lena was only just discovering. It grew stronger, louder, every day. And it told her she needed time. Just a little time to adjust, to settle, to feel okay again.

 

(It whispered, _you’re allowed to be afraid,_ and it sounded like Kara’s words, but it wasn’t her voice. It wasn’t Lillian’s or Lex’s or even Kara’s.

 

It was her own.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, hmu on tumblr @proudlyunicorn. (: And do me a favor, drop a comment here if you've got a moment to spare. I love hearing from you all so much, it really helps me keep the juices flowing. xoxo


	10. manège

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know me. Beta, what beta? Editing? No editing. If you follow me on tumblr, you know I absolutely struggled with this chapter so please don't hesitate to tell me if you hate it. Or love it. Or anything in between. Shout out to the like eighty-four people who had to deal with my stressed out ass this entire chapter, y'all are the MVPs and I hope you know who you are bc I'm afraid of listing you all and leaving someone out??? SO THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP, LOVE Y'ALL!!

She worried about it.

 

How could she not? This was Kara, this was her relationship with Kara, and she worried that putting it off might somehow make it impossible to fix once she at last went to try. Part of her wondered if listening to this new voice was somehow the wrong thing to do and she debated through the night just… going to Kara’s and apologizing. It was easier, certainly safer, and meant it would be done all that much faster.

 

She didn’t go.

 

Lena forced herself to stay in her own bed (so large, so cold, without Kara there curled around her) and told herself again and again that it was okay. She didn’t need to go running to Kara, she didn’t need to text her. She’d see her tomorrow and Kara was capable of texting her if she really needed to. It was like… like standing in the door of the apartment, blocking entry to someone who hurt you to avoid getting hurt again. Not that Kara had hurt her, or even Lucy. No, her own fear was what she was blocking from entering, and it took time. Just a little bit of extra time. She was allowed this night of isolation.

 

Right?

 

But of course she continued to worry, tossing and turning in her sleep, still half awake by the time her alarm went off the next morning.

 

The walk to the theatre seemed to take hours rather than minutes. Lena walked slower than normal, dragging her feet with her exhaustion even as her stomach tightened and knotted and her fingers twisted the strap of her bag between them. She wasn’t really sure what to expect from Kara, what mood she would find her in. Was she mad about what happened? Sad?

 

Oh god, would she want to end it between them?

 

( _It must be hard_ , she thought, _being with someone who’s too afraid to tell people about_ _the_ _relationship._ )

 

As she pushed through the side door of the theatre, Lena began to wonder how she would feel after last night’s incident if she were Kara. And it struck her suddenly that Kara might think she was ashamed to be with her. If it had been Kara who pulled away, if it had been Kara who couldn’t meet her eyes, that would be exactly what Lena thought too.

 

And oh, it’s so, so far from the truth.

 

There has never been anything in Lena’s life she has wanted to shout from the rooftops like her relationship with Kara. She was so beautiful and kind and Lena knew there had to be so many people out there who wanted her the way Lena had her. Anyone would be lucky for the chance to be the one Kara chose, but for some reason, she’d chosen Lena. It made no sense, it absolutely made no sense, and she wasn’t sure there would ever be a day she didn’t question _why_ it had happened, but she was happy that it had and that Kara was hers even as she was Kara’s. There was no shame in her for that.

 

But a lifetime of fear was hard to shake. Six years of pushing away what she was, who she was, of not even saying the _word,_ was too much to just… not feel anymore. She didn’t know how to switch it off, or if it was even possible to do so, if she would ever be able to.

 

It wasn’t fair to expect Kara to stay. Maybe that was something she had to make clear.

 

(But she hoped Kara understood, the way she seemed to accept and understand everything else about Lena. The idea of losing her already made Lena feel ill.)

 

Kara was not sat at the piano as she usually was in the early mornings, but then again, they usually arrived at the same time from Kara’s apartment these days. So perhaps without Lena there to jump start her day, Kara was running a bit late? Though… that seemed wrong, as Kara had been even earlier than Lena far before they’d started their relationship. So perhaps she was just in a different part of the building then. The bathroom or somewhere backstage or… somewhere.

 

Lena let her eyes scan the theatre as she set her bag down and sat to do her stretches. There was no sign of her at all. No bag, no folder of sheet music. The piano had not even been opened yet, which felt very strange to Lena. The worry began to grow, a coiled spring of nerves that made her feel edgy and uncertain as the minutes ticked by.

 

Other dancers began to trickle in, but still no Kara. Lena’s eyes kept flitting to the piano bench as if she’d magically appear the harder she stared at it. It didn’t make sense. Usually Kara played in the mornings, the actual orchestra showed up after lunch, and Kara spent a good portion of the evenings teaching classes back in the studio, or else on administrative duties.

 

It wasn’t until Cat Grant plugged in a portable stereo and queued up the music that Lena felt dread curl in her stomach. Had something happened to Kara? Was she hurt? Had there been an accident? She’d never seen her just… not show up to work before.

 

She moved to stand beside Cat, fingers twisting together as she stared at her. Usually she didn’t approach her if she had the option not to – she was shockingly intimidating for someone so small – but there was nothing that mattered more to her than Kara and the idea that something had happened outweighed the fact she much preferred not to talk to Cat Grant about anything other than dancing.

 

“Where’s Kara?” she asked, her voice carefully controlled, her expression perfectly still. It was important not to show too much concern, important not to expose a weakness. Especially not this particular weakness.

 

Cat looked up at her and seemed to be as surprised as Lena was that she was speaking to her outside of practice sessions. Her eyebrows twitched up slightly and she pursed her lips, giving her a narrow-eyed stare that had shrunk lesser people. Lena tilted her chin up slightly in response, determined to hold her own.

 

(She wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw a rare flash of approval in her eyes before they went as neutral as Lena’s.)

 

“And why, may I ask, is that any of your business?” she asked slowly. “You are here and you are doing your job. You don’t need to know why Kiera isn’t doing hers.”

 

Lena felt the tension shoot up her spine and she fought the urge to tell Cat that she was saying her name wrong. She always had to fight that urge. She’d been with the company for months now and she knew very well that Cat did it on purpose to multiple people, not just Kara. Lena hadn’t the faintest idea why and she never questioned, especially because Cat always very meticulously called her ‘Miss Luthor’ without fail, as if to prove a point to the company that her name didn’t matter to Cat one bit.

 

As grateful as she was for that bit, however, it frustrated her to no end that Kara did so much work for her and yet rarely earned the properly pronounced sound of her own name.

 

“Kara is a... friend,” Lena said, fighting to keep the irritation and worry from her voice now. “I was worried that something might have happened.”

 

“I see,” Cat said, her voice slow and thoughtful as she tapped a finger against her lips. “Well if you are such close friends, then I assume Kiera or someone else would have told you if something bad had happened. Since you have no knowledge of an event of this sort, I think it is safe to assume she is perfectly fine.”

 

When Lena only continued to stare at her, Cat let out a sigh and waved a hand.

 

“My stalwart assistant decided that three weeks before opening night was the perfect time to take a personal day. I cannot legally ask her why and so I didn’t. Though if you talk to your _friend,”_ she added, and there was just enough emphasis on the word that Lena finally dropped her gaze, the heat burning up the back of her neck, “Then inform her that I do not appreciate the timing of her sudden burst of self-interest. Now.” She lifted her eyebrows again. “Is this inquiry over, Miss Luthor? Are you perhaps ready to do your job now?”

 

Lena nodded, thanked Cat quietly, and went to rejoin the other dancers. She took a place beside Lucy at one of the portable _barres_ now set up onstage, sighing just a little. She was no less worried now, though at least she knew Kara wasn’t sick or hurt or anything like that.

 

No, now the worry sitting like a rock in her belly was purely over the state of their relationship. Because there was only one reason now that Kara could possibly have for skipping work, and that reason was Lena. This time she’d really, truly ruined everything. This could be the time she’d pushed Kara too far and lost her forever.

 

“You okay?” Lucy asked softly, giving Lena a rather concerned look over her shoulder. “Where’s Kara?”

 

“She’s not here,” Lena told her, voice quiet and hitching slightly. “She took a personal day.”

 

“Oh.” There was surprise in Lucy’s voice and Lena couldn’t blame her. It was so unlike Kara, especially so close to an actual performance. And even beyond that, Kara so rarely got ill and so clearly enjoyed her job that she’d told Lena she hardly ever missed. Only for major things, like that time she’d managed to catch pneumonia and that time she’d gotten food poisoning from a sketchy all-you-can-eat buffet.

 

(Did finding out she didn’t want to be in the relationship she was in count as a major event?)

 

“Well I’m sure she has a reason,” Lucy tried after a moment, obviously reading Lena’s concern. “I doubt it has anything to do with, you know, yesterday. Maybe something with Alex? I’ll text at break and see if she knows.”

 

“Sure. Thanks.” Lena nodded along like she thought Lucy was right, that it was just a sister thing and not a _them_ thing, but she didn’t believe it. Not really. It was too much of a coincidence, wasn’t it, to think it was anything but Kara avoiding her?

 

“No problem.” Lucy gave her a last lingering look of concern before Cat called attention to the front and she had to turn around again.

 

Lena went through the motions and spent a rather irregular amount of time trying not to cry.

 

(Luthors didn’t cry. Luthors didn’t _cry._

 

So why did she feel like she might?)

 

//

 

The idea of actually calling Kara, or even just texting her, felt like far too much to handle and so Lena just went home.

 

Well. She went to her apartment, which hardly felt like home at all.

 

As she prepared to soak her feet and eat her dinner of yogurt and granola, she found herself feeling extremely uncomfortable, and it occurred to her as she curled into the couch cushions that it was because she felt more like a guest here than the apartment’s sole occupant. It was a nice place, clean and neat and impeccably styled, but it wasn’t… Lena’s. It had been selected by her mother and outfitted by a hired decorator. It was cleaned twice a week by a housekeeper Lena had never met because she came when Lena was at work.

 

She thought of a Thursday evening spent dusting, vacuuming, and scrubbing Kara’s apartment down with her, how she’d been clumsy with the inexperience of it and just a little sore later from all the kneeling and bending and pressing, but seeing the apartment clean had been so satisfying. Kara blowing a handful of bubbles at her face as she did the dishes had been sweet. The feeling of Kara at the start of it all sliding her fingers through Lena’s hair, gathering it into a messy, bedraggled bun at the top of her head had been…

 

God, she missed Kara.

 

It was Kara’s place, with its casually toed off shoes beside the door, the bowl of loose odds and ends on a side table, the hodgepodge of art supplies shoved onto shelves, that made her feel like she was welcome when she walked through the door.

 

(It was Kara who felt more like home.)

 

Lena settled her feet into the foot bath at the base of the couch, felt the grains of Epsom salt not quite dissolved against the soles of her feet as she swirled them anxiously through the warm water. There was a documentary playing on her television, but she’d muted it, not quite able to focus on the context as she toyed with the phone in her hand. It would be so easy to call Kara, to end her own misery. Or just to text and see if she was okay, if she was taking care of herself.

 

If she missed Lena as much as Lena missed her.

 

Every time the thought popped into her head, she tossed the phone onto the couch beside her and tried to push it away. It was too selfish, too unfair, to put pressure on Kara like that. She was allowed her own time, wasn’t she? But even as she thought it, she picked up her phone again and stared at the screen as if she could will Kara to text her first. There was too much time to think, too much time to worry.

 

She set aside her half-eaten yogurt and lifted each foot from the water, drying them with the towel at her side before she stood and headed for the bathroom. She’d shower, she’d try to calm down. Lena tugged her pins free as she walked, neatly disassembling her bun and pretending she wasn’t thinking about the disorganized way Kara always did the same.

 

(Pins scattering, Kara apologizing and trying to find them all, Lena laughing as she tugged Kara up and away. “I have more pins than I can count,” she’d said once, bringing her lips to Kara’s. She wondered now how many pins still lingered on Kara’s floor, lost beneath furniture and tucked into hidden corners.)

 

She wouldn’t, definitely wouldn’t, give in and call Kara. She’d give her the space she seemed to need.

 

And she wouldn’t think about why Kara needed that space in the first place.

 

(She wouldn’t think about how terrified she was that she might need it permanently.)

 

She made the water as hot as she could stand, hissing as she stepped beneath the crisscrossing shower heads. Her lungs filled almost instantly with the heat and steam as she stood leaning against the tiles, the water beating down against her back.

 

She wondered as she stood beneath the spray what exactly it was that had made Kara want to be with her in the first place. As a whole, she found herself to be… well. Lacking. In so many ways, for so many reasons, she was lacking. “Human disaster” wasn’t far off the mark and Lena couldn’t understand why it was that Kara would attach herself to that.

 

Was it her body then?

 

Lena pushed off the wall and glanced down at herself, frowning over what she saw. Long feet ruined by years of dance, pale skin, decent breasts. Lena cupped one, skimmed a thumb across the dusky skin of her nipple, sighed. Fuller than perhaps was average for a dancer, but not too extraordinary, she thought. And her stomach… flat, the whole of her edging on too thin. Lena was fully aware of that fact, and of the fact it still wasn’t good enough for her mother. Too soft at the thigh, too curved at the hip.

 

Her fingers climbed the ladder of her rib cage, counted them from waist to sternum where they pressed to her skin. Too thin, not pretty. Her mother’s influence again, the signs of a strict diet she’d been on since puberty had cursed her with too-feminine curves and a stubborn softness. There was just a little more fullness clinging to her bones than she was used to. Kara’s influence, when she couldn’t escape the full meals she made or the group outings where food was constantly shoved into her hands. Her mother would hate that, if she knew.

 

She touched her face as she closed her eyes again, traced the angles of her jaw and her cheeks, the plush of her lips, the narrow line of her nose. A pleasing enough face, she supposed. But enough to keep Kara’s interest, to make Kara keep wanting her despite the lack of substance behind it?

 

She didn’t know.

 

A choked sort of sound escaped and Lena turned, pressing her back to the tiles before sliding down the length of the wall to the shower stall’s floor. Her hand covered her trembling mouth as another choked sound broke free and she willed away the scorch of tears by squeezing her eyes tightly shut. With her free hand, she reached out blindly, turning the handle to increase the water’s temperature degree by degree until it was so hot that it was nearly scalding.

 

The pounding of the water muffled the sound when the tears finally broke through the dam and poured down her face, lost to the water. Lena let herself cry for once, great, desperate sobs that shook her entire frame as she curled around her legs and hid her face against her knees. If the water burned, it hurt no more than the tearing, clawing monster in her chest that was her fear, her regret, her worry.

 

She grieved for a loss she was certain of experiencing soon and prepared to say goodbye to the first thing in so long that had brought her joy before it really even had the chance to _be._

 

Lena was positive that her apologies wouldn’t be enough.

 

Not this time.

 

//

 

She toweled off, her skin pink and a bit tender from the heat, before crawling into bed with her hair still wet. She pulled the blankets up over her head and cocooned herself in darkness, cell phone clutched in one hand, sheets clutched in the other. Her face felt swollen and stiff from crying, her eyes in particular burning rather fiercely from the unfamiliarity of it.

 

There was a mess in her living room, lights on throughout the apartment, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up and handle it. Not now, not yet. Everything still felt so raw and she was so _tired._ Her thumb swiped the screen of her phone, brought it to life so the glow stung her already-aching eyes.

 

Her chat with Kara was already up, the last message from the day before, Kara asking her where she was with an array of emojis Lena couldn’t help but smile at even now. She traced the shapes of the smiling face, the heart, the flower with her eyes, drinking in Kara’s affection until her chest ached with the weight of missing her.

 

Under normal circumstances, she could go a night – even an entire day – without seeing Kara. It was a thing she was capable of, she was sure. But under the circumstances of their last meeting, it was unbearable, the not knowing.

 

She scrolled through old messages until sleep began lulling her towards unconsciousness, the warmth and darkness of her cocoon pairing with the long night she’d had the previous evening until she was more than half asleep.

 

 _I miss you,_ she typed as her eyelids began to droop.

 

The ellipsis popped up, a gray bubble of waiting, then disappeared again. Reappeared, disappeared. Lena waited, but the screen stayed blank.

 

She fell asleep waiting.

 

A reply didn’t come until nearly three in the morning, Lena’s phone muffled by stacks of pillows and tangled bedding so that she didn’t stir when it went off.

 

_I miss you too._

 

//

 

Lena overslept.

 

Her phone had died in the middle of the night and she hadn’t remembered to set her alarm, so she was barely ahead of schedule when she made it to the studio where they’d be practicing for the first half of the day. Face flushed and struggling to get her hair into a proper bun, Lena hip-checked her way through the studio door. It was still several minutes before everyone else typically arrived, but far later than she usually did.

 

And to her great surprise, Kara sat in her usual place behind the piano.

 

Lena froze with the shock of it, her hands still in her hair, pins still pressed between her lips for safekeeping. Slowly, very slowly, she resumed fixing her bun, moving further into the studio with her eyes locked on Kara.

 

She looked about as tired as Lena felt, her eyes heavy-lidded behind her glasses. Her eyes held Lena’s from across the room, but neither of them spoke. Not for a long while. Not until Lena had already set down her bag and full secured her hair. Then it was Kara who broke the silence.

 

“Hi,” she breathed, and though she didn’t stand or move to greet her like she normally would, Lena didn’t see any of the things she’d been afraid of in Kara’s open, earnest expression. No anger, no resignation.

 

(Lena had expected to see a goodbye there the moment she’d seen Kara and she’d braced for it, but there seemed to be only a great sense of relief, paired with an uncertainty, a vulnerability, that made Lena’s chest ache.)

 

“Hey.”

 

Lena took a step towards Kara, then another, before pausing with her fingers twisting together halfway across the room. Kara watched her the entire way, tilted her head when Lena froze again. She shifted over on the piano bench when Lena only continued to watch her, clearing the place she usually sat when they played together. So Lena moved again until she was slowly sitting on the bench at Kara’s side, still quiet, still not quite sure she was meant to. There was another long, uncomfortable silence.

 

“Hey,” she said again, softer now, hand hesitating before reaching up to touch soft fingers to the curve of Kara’s cheek. Kara leaned into the gentle pressure and closed her eyes, exhaling a shaky breath as her lips curved into a sweet smile. When she opened them again, they were somehow brighter. The relief that flooded Lena’s chest at the gesture was so palpable that her entire body seemed to uncoil with it, sagging closer to Kara as if pulled in by her gravity.

 

“Hi.” Kara bit her lip to hold back her smile before she gave in and leaned forward to hug Lena tight against her. Lena let her, sinking into the embrace. Kara seemed as relieved as Lena, though there were still so many unsaid things between them and Lena knew they’d have to work them out eventually.

 

“Are you okay?” Kara asked against her ear and Lena nodded into her shoulder where she kept her face hidden, clutching tight to the material of her cardigan.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, just as Kara gave her those exact same words. They both leaned back and looked at each other with obvious surprise. Kara’s confusion made her frown, forehead crinkling with her uncertainty. They sat like that for a while, just staring at each other and trying to process, before the sound of footsteps on the stairs had them sliding apart once more.

 

(The sounds of people in the hall were much easier to hear without music playing over the speakers, she thought.)

 

“I want to talk about this,” Lena told her quietly as chattering dancers pushed through the door and began to filter into the room. Though her heart thudded heavily with the words, though her stomach twisted as surely as her fingers, she held Kara’s eyes steadily with her own. She did want to talk this through. Leaving it didn’t solve anything, didn’t make what had happened magically disappear. They needed to talk it through, even if Lena would like nothing better than to pretend it hadn’t happened.

 

“Okay,” Kara said, glancing past Lena to the other dancers and back again. She looked rather uncertain again (afraid?) and Lena wanted so badly to lean forward and press their lips together and offer any reassurance she could.

 

But she couldn’t, and wasn’t that where the whole problem stemmed from? That she couldn’t take that step?

 

Instead she took Kara’s hand behind the barrier of the piano and gave it a gentle squeeze before standing again. “Later,” she promised, still quiet, trying to convey everything she meant with her eyes rather than her words.

 

When Kara nodded, Lena rounded the piano and went to find her bag so that she could begin her exercises, later than was typical for her. Lucy was there against the mirror and she lifted her eyebrows when Lena approached, glancing from her to Kara and back again.

 

“Everything cool?” she asked casually when Lena sat beside her, already stretching out her legs and feet. Lena considered the question, but wasn’t sure how to answer. Was it cool? Were they okay? She followed Lucy’s gaze and found Kara watching her from across the room, even as she began to pluck out her scales. When their eyes met, she offered a tentative smile, which Lena returned.

 

“Not yet,” she said slowly, returning her attention to Lucy and her own stretches. “But… I think we’ll get there.”

 

At least, she really hoped so.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* I am deeply insecure about this chapter. ANYWAY find me @proudlyunicorn on tumblr xoxo


	11. revoltade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy what up? I said I was gonna edit buttttt I totally didn't lmao my b. Anyway here you go, it's done, I hope it isn't bad. Drop me a few words when you're done and let me know what you think! Luh u xo

They went to Kara’s, the car filled with a silence that was not quite comfortable.

 

Lena kept her hands in her lap and Kara kept her eyes forward and it felt so strange, not to reach out and curl their fingers together, but she also wasn’t quite ready for that. It occurred to her that she felt a little… angry with Kara, and that feeling was so new that it kept her from talking the entire way to Kara’s apartment. For her part, Kara didn’t talk either.

 

(Lena wondered if she was mad too, if somehow they were both mad without understanding quite why.)

 

They kept space between their bodies in the elevator too, eyes averted, Lena’s fingers twisting the strap of her bag around and around as they traveled up to the proper floor. She’d made this trip dozens and dozens of times now, but it had never felt quite like this. She knew it was necessary, knew they had to talk, but the dread was pooling in her stomach the closer they got.

 

She was angry, but wasn’t quite sure she had the right to be. How did she explain that to Kara? And how did she handle Kara’s anger in turn, if there was any? Relationships were so fragile, so complicated, and Lena wanted to cradle theirs safely to her chest so that she would never drop it, never break it.

 

But if she never held it out and examined it in the light, if she never took a moment to really look at it, then there was no point in keeping such a beautiful thing so close. She’d never be able to appreciate it that way.

 

So as they stepped into the apartment, she set her bag aside and toed off her shoes, then held out her hand for Kara’s. Kara looked back at her a moment before taking it, allowed herself to be led to her own couch, where Lena nudged her down onto the cushions with soft hands. She stuffed a pillow into her arms, draped the afghan around her shoulders, then grabbed her own throw pillow and a blanket from the basket by the couch. She sat opposite of Kara, legs folded, pillow hugged against her chest.

 

“Let’s talk.”

 

Kara’s lips quirked up into a tiny smile. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

 

When she held out a hand, Lena barely hesitated before slipping hers into it. And the jerking, jolting, unsettled part of her stomach grew calmer with the simple gesture.

 

“Are you mad at me? For reacting how I did?” Lena finally asked when it felt like the quiet had gone on too long, both of them waiting for the other to start. The question had Kara’s eyes going wide and she reached out with both hands then, clutching Lena’s between them as she shook her head.

 

“No. No, Lena, I promise I’m not mad. You aren’t ready for everyone to know yet and that’s okay. You’re allowed to take your time.”

 

Lena tilted her head. “But?”

 

“But… I’m only human.” She grimaced, though Lena had a feeling the expression was directed more inwardly than anything. “It hurt, seeing you pull away like that. Because I knew I couldn’t help you feel better, not right then.” Kara closed her eyes, but Lena kept hers open, waiting, watching, trying to understand what Kara had been feeling. “It hurt because I couldn’t hold you and make the fear go away. It would’ve only made it worse. I’m not used to...” She faltered, her voice cracking.

 

“To what?” Lena urged softly, her other hand joining the tangle of fingers between them to squeeze the top of Kara’s.

 

“To not being able to save you,” Kara whispered, and when she opened her eyes again, they were damp and so, so bright. “And that’s on me, I get that. You aren’t some… some damsel in distress or something.” Kara sniffed and swiped under her eye, rubbing away the moisture before it could fall, and Lena watched quietly as she worked through her own feelings. “You’re the strongest person I know, Lena. It just that… I mean, I would do just about anything in the world to keep you from hurting even for a minute. And then suddenly it didn’t matter that I’d do anything because there was nothing I could do.”

 

“I was scared.” Lena sighed, a shivering, messy sound as every feeling she’d pushed so far down inside of herself pressed closer to the surface, so close that her throat ached from swallowing them back down. “When Lucy walked in, all I could think was… what if it hadn’t been her? What if it had been my mom again, only then what we were doing was so much more damning? Or what if Lucy had been less understanding than she was? Or if it had been someone like Siobhan Smythe instead? I jeopardized my career, my relationship with my only remaining family member, everything, to steal a moment with you. I needed time to think about that, and you know what scared me most by the end of the night?”

 

Kara caught her lips between her teeth and glanced down, forehead creased with her frown. “What?”

 

“I was scared, Kara,” she said slowly, her voice dropping in volume to keep it from shaking, “Because at the end of the night, all I could think was that it… it would have been worth it.”

 

Kara’s head snapped up, the shock so clear in her eyes that Lena had to look away again. “We haven’t been together that long, but I’ve known you for months, and I’ve wanted to be with you nearly as long, and I… I’m still not ready to be out, but if someone else had found us there, being with you would’ve been worth almost anything that could’ve happened.”

 

“Lena...”

 

“But then.” Her head snapped up, green eyes lighting as she stared into blue, “You disappeared on me, Kara. Without a word. You were just… gone.”

 

“I needed time too,” Kara said quietly, her hands jerking in Lena’s.

 

“You could’ve _said_ something.” And that, that was why Lena was angry. Kara had vanished. She’d given no hint as to her absence, she’d given no warning. And maybe part of that was on Lena, expecting Kara to just _be_ there when she was finally ready to talk things through, but still. Kara knew, Kara _should’ve_ known, that just disappearing wasn’t the solution. “I would have understood that. Me of all people, I would’ve understood. But you just didn’t show up and I had all these terrible thoughts of you in an accident or you sick in the hospital or you just _hating_ me and wanting to get away from me and us and everything and-”

 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Kara’s reached for her, hesitated before they made contact. So Lena closed the distance, pressed her cheek into the pressure of Kara’s palm as her eyes closed again. Kara’s other hand joined the first, framing her face so delicately between them as she urged Lena closer and bumped their foreheads together. Lena’s heart trembled in her chest and her own hands reached out, gripping the front of Kara’s shirt between them like she might disappear all over again if she didn’t. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Lena, I didn’t think that… It was selfish. I was selfish.”

 

Lena pinched her eyes closed just a little tighter when they stung. “Then why...”

 

“Because I was scared too.” Her fingers slid into Lena’s hair and she felt the way the pins came loose, lost to the couch cushions as so many had been before them. “I thought… I thought you’d want to end it and I really didn’t want you to.”

 

Lena’s eyes flew open again, eyes flashing with her indignant huff.

 

“You thought… Jesus, Kara.” Her hands tightened, tugging and pushing at Kara’s sweatshirt to give her a little shake. “You thought we’d hit one bump in the road and I’d go running? You keep saying I’m brave, but you don’t act like you believe it.”

 

“You’re right.” Kara tightened her hold, just a little, urging Lena closer. “You’re right and I’m so, so sorry. I should’ve said something, even just texted or… I don’t know. I’m sorry, Lena.” Her fingers stroked through her hair and yes, the majority of her pins were scattered now. Lena felt a couple of them skim down her back as she sighed and leaned into Kara’s chest, her head falling onto her shoulder. Her arms slipped down around her waist and clung to the back of her shirt then as her eyes closed again.

 

“I’m sorry too,” she mumbled on a sigh. “For pulling away like that.”

 

“No.” Kara squeezed her gently. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I know you’re not ready and that’s fine. You’re amazing, Lena. The bravest, smartest, most beautiful girl I know.” When Lena shook her head, Kara squeezed her again, as if she could make her feel the truth of her words through the gesture. “You _are._ And I’m sorry for making you ever doubt that.”

 

“I don’t feel brave,” she admitted quietly, “But you make me want to believe it even when it’s hard to. And I might not be ready for everyone to know about us, but _we_ know. We know and that means… so much to me. I’ve never had anything like this, never felt anything like this, and I need you to know that.” She lifted her head, had to meet Kara’s eyes as she spoke to make sure she could see the truth of the words in her own. “I need you to know that I’m _in_ this and I don’t want it to be over. I want to have this for as long as we can have it.”

 

“God.” Kara laughed a little, breathless and relieved, her nose brushing softly against Lena’s. “That’s all I want. I don’t care if they know or don’t know. I don’t care if you want to keep it between us forever. I just want us to try.” She drew her lips between her teeth, eyes flickering down and then up again. “Can I kiss you now, Lena?” she asked softly.

 

The question had so much weight lifting from her chest and Lena smiled, just a small curl of lips, before nodding. “Please do.”

 

 _This_ is what she wanted, all of this. The softness of Kara Danvers, the kindness of her, the encompassing warmth. The feelings that connected them, heart to heart. The feeling of Kara’s chest pressing into her own with every breath she took because they held each other so close.

 

(And when they kissed, oh, she felt like she’d finally come home again.)

 

//

 

They laid on the roof of Kara’s building, bundled up in piles of blankets beneath the stars. Their heads rested on one pillow, but their bodies pointed in opposite directions as they readjusted to being in one another’s space again. Instead of curling close together, they left their fingers linked beside their heads and let their cheeks brush once in awhile as they pointed out constellations or made up their own.

 

Lena had never done anything like this before. Though she knew the constellations well enough, she’d never had the time to just lay out and actually find them in the sky. It felt so strange, laying there stretched out beneath the vastness of the universe with only Kara’s hands in hers to ground her. If gravity suddenly failed and she floated up towards those stars, she wasn’t sure she’d even try to stay on the ground. As long as Kara still held her, she was certain she’d be happy to go.

 

Sometimes she wondered what it would be like to fly, to escape what anchored her here and go up and up and up, away from it all. But those were silly thoughts, silly dreams, things that couldn’t happen. No use dwelling.

 

“It’s your turn to tell me something,” Kara murmured in the quiet, her fingers skimming along Lena’s palm and the pads of her fingertips.

 

They’d been playing a sort of game for the last hour where they went back and forth sharing things about themselves. So far it had been pretty menial, punctuated with the distraction of new shapes in the stars. Things like favorite colors and movies they’d loved as kids. Things like vacations they’d taken or places they wanted to see someday.

 

Lena wasn’t quite sure what was left to share, really. There was so very little she knew about herself, so few experiences she’d had because her entire life had been dedicated to doing what Lillian expected of her. She’d been sheltered and all but locked away, but for the few times Lionel had taken her from the house to do things against his wife’s wishes. And Lex too, sometimes, sneaking her out to taste her first beer or just… sit outside, away from the stifling pressure of the house.

 

(Back before, when he’d still been Lex, when the pressure hadn’t made his mind snap. Back before he’d become Lex Luthor, notorious murderer.)

 

“I don’t want to be a dancer.”

 

Lena froze when the words escaped, felt the heaviness of them as they hung in the air between them. The air caught in her lungs, choking her, and Kara’s hand stilled against hers as she too seemed to absorb what had just been said. And suddenly she was terrified that Kara would be rather incredulous, that she’d try to justify all the reasons why she should stick to what she did. Because she was talented, because she’d worked so hard to get where she was, because it would be selfish to quit when she’d taken the lead from other girls who wanted it more. All the things she’d been telling herself (that Lillian had been telling her) all of her life.

 

But then the motion of Kara’s fingers resumed and she asked instead, in that soft way of hers, “What do you want to be, Lena?”

 

It simply knocked the wind out of her.

 

The words spun around and around in her head, the twister finally coming to carry her off to Oz where the technicolor waited to chase away the black and white of her life. Because no one had ever, not once in her entire life, asked her that question. Lena wasn’t sure she’d ever even asked herself.

 

What did she want to be? What did she want to do?

 

“I don’t know,” she whispered, closing her eyes tight to try and draw an answer forward. But there was nothing, just this huge, blank expanse of _nothing_ that she was terrified of stepping into. “I’ve never had another choice.”

 

“Lena...” Kara shifted, adjusting so that she now leaned on her elbow, looking at Lena upside down. “You’ve always had a choice. You were just never allowed to see it.” And there was sadness in Kara’s eyes as she said it, as she leaned in and pressed her lips to Lena’s chin, her nose, her lips. “But there’s time to figure it out,” she promised softly. “And I’ll be here cheering you on, if you really want to find something else to be.”

 

“Kara...”

 

Kara smiled and pecked her lips again, then turned back to her original position, her cheek nuzzling up against Lena’s. Their fingers curled together again and Lena clung tightly to them, her eyes opening as she blinked back up at the sky.

 

(Did the stars look different suddenly? Was it because the whole world had just been tilted on its axis?)

 

“It’s your turn to tell me something,” Lena breathed after several minutes, her heart beating fast and hard in her chest.

 

“I don’t know. That’s kind of hard to follow up on,” Kara teased quietly. “Give me a direction to go in.”

 

It only took a moment’s thought for Lena to ask in as quiet a voice as she could manage, “What were you going to say? Before Lucy walked in the other night?”

 

Kara was silent a minute. “Something it’s probably better I didn’t say.” She traced circles into Lena’s palm with her thumb, restless and hesitant as she very carefully chose her words. Lena’s heart raced even faster. “Something I don’t think you’re ready to hear.”

 

Silence stretched. Lena was pretty sure she knew what Kara was implying, what she was saying without saying, and she could feel the press of panic heavy on her chest. No, Kara was right. She wasn’t ready to hear whatever it was she had to say. Not now, not yet. She shook her head against the pillow, turned to press her nose and lips into Kara’s cheek.

 

“It’s okay,” Kara told her, fingers smoothing in slow, careful lines across her fingers and over her palm, along her wrist where her pulse beat so heavily. “You tell me when you’re ready, okay? And I’ll tell you then. I promise I won’t stop wanting to tell you.”

 

Lena drew in a shaky breath and whispered, “Okay.”

 

//

 

“Lena!”

 

The sharp, irritated sound of her name snapped Lena’s shoulders back and she carefully schooled her expression before glancing towards her mother. She didn’t speak – she knew better – but instead stood and waited for Lillian to say whatever was on her mind, fingers gripping tightly to the _barre_ in the Luthor home studio.

 

“Where is your head today? You aren’t focused at all. You’re sloppy. You danced better at six than you’re dancing right now.”

 

“I’m tired,” Lena murmured, resisting the urge to reach up and rub her temple to ward off the headache she could feel building. “I’ve already rehearsed today, mother. These extra hours are not productive.”

 

“They make you better, more disciplined. Something you’re lacking from your studio time, it appears.” She inhaled sharply, breathed out again with a huff. “Lena. Darling.” Lillian moved closer, blue eyes cold as she flickered her disappointed gaze down the length of her daughter. Lena held perfectly still and tried not to go stiff when her mother drew close. “What has you so distracted?” She softened her voice, her stance, reaching out to cup Lena’s cheek. It would feel like she cared, like she worried, like she wanted to be an actual mother to Lena, if her eyes weren’t still like shards of ice in her sharp face.

 

“Nothing,” Lena lied without so much as a flicker to give herself away. If there was one thing she’d learned and learned well from being a Luthor, it was how to hide her thoughts and feelings. In truth, she _was_ distracted. She couldn’t stop thinking about the week before when she’d told Kara she didn’t want to do this. The show opened in less than two weeks now and she’d been rehearsing non-stop and she was just so… tired. It occurred to her that once _Giselle_ ran its course, she could be done. If she decided it was what she wanted, she could be done and she’d have to find a way to tell her mother that.

 

And though the idea of it terrified her, there was also this underlying thread of relief at the idea. And that was almost as frightening.

 

For eighteen years, she’d been raised to do nothing but what Lillian wanted of her. Whatever interests she’d developed over the years had been pushed aside in favor of the dreams Lillian had for her. The ones she _demanded_ of her. The idea of leaving them behind? Yes, that was distracting.

 

Lena didn’t know who she was outside of dancing. She didn’t know what she could be, what she was capable of, because this had been her everything since she was four years old. What dreams did _Lena_ have?

 

Did she have any?

 

“ _Lena._ Pay attention when I am speaking to you. _”_ Lillian heaved an exasperated sigh and Lena tried not to flinch at the sound, her hand falling off the _barre_ as she turned to face her fully.

 

“I’m sorry, but I was at the theatre and in the studio for _twelve_ hours today, mother. Not counting lunch hour. You’ve already held me here for three more. You cannot expect perfection from me when I’ve done nothing but work my body all day. I need to rest.”

 

Lillian lifted an eyebrow and pursed her lips. “Fine. If you are happy with the mediocrity of your performance, then by all means. Go _rest._ ”

 

Lena’s stomach turned as she tried to fight off the guilt and ever-present need to please her mother. She really was exhausted. Pushing her limits now would only make tomorrow worse and she knew that. But she hated the way her mother looked at her with such utter disappointment, like she could hardly expect anything better from her, the adopted bastard daughter of her dead husband.

 

“Just… half an hour more,” she said as she gripped the _barre_ again, wording hard to conceal the sigh building in her chest. “I’ll focus. I promise.”

 

Lillian rewarded her with a smile. “Good girl. From the top of your exercises then.”

 

(It was another hour and a half before Lena managed to leave the Luthor mansion and escape to Kara’s. She knocked and as soon as Kara answered, she tumbled sloppily into her arms.

 

She passed out on top of her on the couch within ten minutes of going horizontal.)

 

//

 

Lena woke the next morning feeling somewhat dizzy and out-of-sorts. Her body felt heavy and she wanted nothing more than to sink back into Kara’s bed and sleep for another five hours at the very least.

 

Kara stroked her hair in slow, soothing lines, fingers pressing to the base of her neck.

 

“Do you feel okay?” she asked, and Lena could hear the worry straining at the edges of her words. Usually she was so quick to get up, but she’d been sitting with her head pressed to her knees for several minutes now and it was no wonder Kara was so concerned. It was very unlike her. “I can call Cat, tell her you need the day off. You can stay here in bed and rest.”

 

And oh, it was so tempting. Lena found herself contemplating it with her forehead still pressed against her knees. With Kara’s fingers in her hair, she could feel herself drifting closer and closer back towards the edge of sleep.

 

But the show was in less than two weeks now and she was the lead. She had a responsibility to Cat Grant, to the company, to the people who wanted to see _Giselle_ with top notch performers, people who gave it their all. She was just tired, that was all. She’d been tired before. She’d worked tired before. It would be fine.

 

“I’m okay.” She let her feet slide down the mattress and offered Kara a small, reassuring smile before swinging out of bed. There was a moment’s adjustment when the whole room seemed to tilt, but it evened out again and she was steady enough to start getting ready. Kara watched her for a long minute before sighing and nodding, heading out of the room to give her some privacy.

 

(It’s strange to realize how much of her stuff now resided at Kara’s, enough that she can fully get ready for the day without having to stop back at her own apartment on the way. Efficient, certainly, but strange.)

 

They were running late, but Kara still forced a bottle of water and a granola bar into her hands on the way out and Lena leaned up to kiss her cheek as they went. She fell asleep before Kara had even pulled out of the apartment’s parking lot, the granola bar slipping from her limp hand to the floor of the car where she failed to retrieve it when they arrived at the studio.

 

Her feet dragged as they walked and everything felt slightly... off. Shaky, tentative, tilted just off-kilter enough to make her unsteady. Kara’s hand kept pressing to her back and falling away again, like she wanted to keep her steady but also wanted to respect her wishes for public space. Lena appreciated the effort and offered her a small smile.

 

“I’m okay,” she said, though she thought that maybe she wasn’t really. But it was fine, she’d be fine. She’d drink her water and find her rhythm again. Everything would be okay.

 

In the studio, she sat with her back against the mirror and closed her eyes, letting the cool glass press to her back through the thin material of her leotard. It helped a little and she stayed like that for a minute before sighing and beginning her stretches. Today was focus work in the studio in the morning, rehearsal in the theatre with the full pit in the afternoon and evening. If she could just make it through to lunch, she could nap in Kara’s car and be completely refreshed by the time they had to move to the theatre.

 

She kept telling herself that as the other dancers arrived and they began their warm-ups, Cat giving instructions as she paced through them and corrected forms. Lena heard her as if through water, muffled and distant. She felt limp, like a rag doll being pulled by loose strings, just going through the motions of everything. Her vision kept wavering and it made her heart beat just a little faster with nervous energy.

 

“Hey, kiddo, you okay?” she heard from behind her, but Lucy’s voice was tinny and seemed to echo like a voice through a bad phone connection. She turned her head to look at her and the spots of red and white danced in her vision. “Lena?” Lucy said, a bit more alarmed now as she stopped stretching to study her. She jumped closer as Lena swayed, hands pressing to her arms in an attempt to steady her. “Hey. Lena. You’re freaking me out. Are you-”

 

The black swallowed up the dancing lights and before she even realized what was happening, Lena was falling to the unforgiving hardwood of the studio floor.


	12. soutenu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. This chapter is FINALLY done. It was a beast of a chapter and I'm not.... quite sure I like it, but here it is. As usual, no proofing, we make grammatical errors like men. Please let me know what you think, shoot me a couple of words in the comments, whatever. Y'all's enthusiasm feeds my soul. Thanks so much for sticking with my story! (:
> 
> xx

She woke to the sound of her name, quiet and insistent above her. Again and again, a soft hand at her cheek, fingers tapping lightly at it until Lena finally stirred. Not fully, but enough, just enough to blink open eyes that felt too heavy. Her head was cradled on Lucy’s lap and it was Lucy who called out to her, her hand gentle against the side of Lena’s face.

 

“There you are,” she said soothingly, the sound of her voice wavering in and out. Lena tried to focus on it, but her head was swimming and she couldn’t seem to get a grip on anything. She could only stare, fighting against eyelids that felt like lead. “Lena? Stay with us, kiddo.” But she was fighting a losing battle.

 

The last thing she saw was Kara hovering just behind Lucy, looking absolutely terrified.

 

And then she was under again.

 

//

 

She drifted in and out of consciousness several times, once or twice to flashing lights and the back of an ambulance, yet another as they wheeled her into the hospital. She didn’t wake fully, however, until she was already tucked into a bed, an IV drip attached to the back of her hand.

 

Still disoriented, Lena pushed herself up a fraction of an inch and ran her fingers over the place where the IV was taped to her skin. There was a nurse in her room checking the monitor by her bed and taking notes and it was all she could do to hold her silence while she waited for her to be done.

 

“You’re awake,” the nurse observed before she could speak, turning towards her with eyebrows lifted and lips pursed. Lena felt quite a bit like a specimen under a slide as she was observed, and one that wasn’t particularly to taste at that. She’d been in her own little world of safe people and safe places for so long that she’d forgotten what it was like outside of that for someone with the name Luthor. No one ever looked at a Luthor with anything less than veiled disdain. It made her uncomfortable and Lena glanced away, frowning down at her lap.

 

“I… have I been here long?” Her voice was raspy, all but choking up from a very dry throat.

 

“A couple of hours. You had yourself quite a fainting spell, Miss Luthor. Managed to hit your head pretty hard on the way down as well.”

 

Lena reached up, hesitantly found the spot on the back of her head that throbbed and stung. There was a sizable lump, she discovered, flinching away from her own touch. She must have gone down hard. And god, she’d been in Cat Grant’s studio. A studio filled with dancers, dancers who’d seen her fall. Cat Grant herself had been there.

 

And Kara.

 

(She ached suddenly, wishing for Kara’s hand in hers, for her soft reassurance, for the serenityshe always seemed to exude. For the peace she brought to Lena’s life.

 

She just wanted Kara.)

 

“I see,” she said slowly, fingers falling to her lap and twisting her blanket against her thigh. There was worry building in her chest, the anxiety coiling in her belly. She should be working. There was still so much to do and the show was so soon. It was one thing to leave on time at the end of the day, but quite another to skip a day of work entirely. What if Cat replaced her with her alternate? What if the company moved on without her? What if her mother-

 

God. _God,_ her mother. Lillian had to know about this by now. She was Lena’s emergency contact, the only person Lena had in her life to put on those forms. They would have contacted her to tell her. Who would’ve made that call? Cat? Kara? The idea of any part of Lillian Luthor even coming close to Kara made Lena feel sick and she wrapped her arms around herself, hugging tight around her middle as she glanced nervously back up at the rather irritated nurse.

 

“Is my mother here?” she asked, and there was a strange mixture of relief and disappointment when the nurse shook her head.

 

“But there are a few people in the waiting room who’ve been waiting for you to return to the land of the living. I’ll let them in before visiting hours end.” The nurse frowned down, still standing quite still despite her words, and Lena watched her quietly, uncertainly. “Miss Luthor, I want you to understand that you were in a very poor state when you were brought in today. Severely dehydrated and overworked. I don’t have your blood work in yet, but I’m betting on several vitamin deficiencies.”

 

Lena looked away. She knew what the nurse was implying, why she expected to find those deficiencies.

 

“Proper nutrition is important, Miss Luthor,” she told her, her tone softened slightly. “If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll end up right back here again before long. You hear what I’m saying?” Lena nodded once, her lips pressed together in a thin line. “Alright then. I’ll send your friends in.”

 

Lena watched her go and sighed, fiddling again with the tube connected to the back of her hand. The tape was peeling a bit at the corner and she plucked at it as she wondered who on earth was here, who had waited. Lucy maybe. Kara for certain. But not her mother. Of course not her mother, who’d see this whole thing as an inconvenience at best, a terrible disgrace to everything the Luthors stood for at worst. Lena was supposed to be working. She had a show coming up. And not only that, but she’d disgraced herself in front of the entire company.

 

Lillian was going to be furious.

 

She was still frowning over it when she heard someone say her name. And when she looked up, there was a whole group of people standing in her doorway, all of them carrying flowers. Winn and James, Lucy and Maggie. Kara.

 

“Alex wanted to be here, but she’s on assignment,” Maggie explained as she set a vase of cheerful daisies at Lena’s bedside. She bent over and pressed a kiss to her temple, straightened up with a small smile as she smoothed Lena’s hair back behind her ear. Lena blinked up at her, silent and surprised by the soft gesture. “She’ll be here when her shift is over. How’re you feeling?”

 

“Okay,” Lena said, almost hesitant as she glanced from Maggie to Lucy (where she was bossing the boys around, telling them how to arrange Lena’s flowers around her private room). Then to Kara, who hovered just beside the door with her arms folded and her eyes locked on Lena. “I’m really fine. It was nothing. You didn’t have to do all of this.”

 

“You knocked your head pretty hard.” Lucy stepped over to her side, standing opposite of Maggie as she lifted her eyebrows and frowned down at her. “No way you’re fine. That has to hurt like a bitch.”

 

“I… well, I suppose it hurts a bit, yes.”

 

“A bit.” Lucy snorted. “Says the girl with the concussion.”

 

“Stop poking at her, Lane.” Maggie rolled her eyes, her fingers smoothing Lena’s hair back again. Lena wondered at the easy, comfortable touching, wondered over her own reaction to it. With anyone else, she’d have flinched away and put out very clear “back off” signals. But here, with these people, she felt… comfortable. Cared for. God, when had these people become…

 

They’d become…

 

(She couldn’t think of the word, but she’d keep searching until she found the one that fit.)

 

“You had us worried.” This from James, who stood at the foot of her bed with his hands stuck in his pockets. For some reason, it was those words more than any of the others that had her jolting. The fact they’d worried, that they cared. Not because she wasn’t doing her job, not because she wasn’t there to partner with James, but because they were genuinely concerned about _her._ About Lena. About the person she was.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered when she managed to find her voice, the words barely managing to escape her throat. It felt tight, pinched with all of the emotions filling her up. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Why had it taken her so long to realize that they could, that they would? That somewhere along the line, Kara’s friends had also become her friends?

 

She found Kara then, still standing by the door, and caught blue eyes with her own. Kara offered a weak smile and then glanced down and away. Lena could see the way her shoulders rose and fell with the deep breath she took and she wanted to cross to her, wanted to wrap her up in her arms and hold on tight until the worry left her face, but there was no way to do that now with the IV attached to her, with the BP monitor attached to her fingertip.

 

But she wanted Kara with her. She wanted to hold her hand and touch her face and feel her lips against her skin. She wanted it to be Kara smoothing her hair back from her face. And it occurred to her that maybe Kara wasn’t because everyone else was here, because Lena had requested privacy, because she hadn’t been ready.

 

Lena looked around at the surrounding faces again, her mouth opening and closing once without anything escaping. Maggie tilted her head, nodded her chin towards Kara. “It’s okay here,” she murmured encouragingly, soft enough for only Lena to hear.

 

Lena looked from her to Winn to James to Lucy, then back to Kara. Soft, careful Kara, always putting her feelings first. Kara, who’d stood back and let others lead when Lena knew that in her position, she’d be dying to get close, to make sure…

 

“Kara,” she called out before she’d even registered she was going to. Kara’s head snapped up and Lena offered a weak smile, her heart drumming in her chest. It was uncomfortable and she still wasn’t completely certain how to… to offer something, and to reach for something at the same time. She wasn’t sure how to give and take, or how to introduce this whole new part of herself to everyone, though she knew at least half the people in the room were already aware. There weren’t words for this, there weren’t any explanations.

 

So instead, Lena held out a hand.

 

Kara looked from it to Lena’s eyes and back again before slowly crossing to the bed, reaching out to take the offered hand. Their fingers twined and Lena closed her eyes as everything in her seemed to settle.

 

She wanted to look to James and Winn, wanted to know and understand their reactions. She wanted to look to Maggie, who was seeing her and Kara together like this for the first time. She wanted to look to Lucy for reassurance that it was still okay, that she was still okay.

 

But when she opened her eyes again, she could look nowhere but at Kara.

 

“Okay, kids,” she heard Lucy say. “Let’s clear out the room, give Lena some space.” She began waving the boys towards the door, both of whom said their goodbyes on the way out. Lucy shot her a wink and then followed.

 

“Take better care of yourself, Luthor,” Maggie murmured, bending down to press another kiss to the top of Lena’s head before following after Lucy.

 

Kara hadn’t moved to leave. She only shifted to fill Maggie’s vacated spot, fingers still locked with Lena’s, her eyes wide and searching as she studied Lena’s face. Lena wondered what she saw and wished she had a mirror, some way of seeing what a disaster she was in the aftermath of this whole thing. Her free hand came up and combed through her hair. She winced when it caught in the places where it was tangled, but Kara only shook her head and tugged it away again.

 

“You’re beautiful,” she said, quiet and shaky, and Lena’s breath caught at the raw honesty in the words. In the way Kara looked at her.

 

And then suddenly Kara’s eyes were wet and full of tears. Suddenly she was pressing forward, her face buried against Lena’s chest as she clung to her. Shocked and frightened by the sudden display, Lena wrapped an arm around her shoulders and made soft, soothing noises, fingers in Kara’s hair, her heart picking up speed again.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kara whimpered against her and Lena was absolutely lost now, not at all sure what conclusion Kara had jumped to that led her to apologize for… what? She hadn’t done anything.

 

Was it something she was going to do? Was she apologizing because she planned to leave now, because this was it, because she was done with their relationship?

 

But no. No, Lena was doing that thing again. That thing where she thought of the worst possible scenario and let it escalate in her head until it was too much to bear. Kara wasn’t going to leave her. Not now, in any case. There was something else here, something more. Something Kara was absolutely wrong about because there was _nothing_ for her to apologize for.

 

“I knew something was off,” Kara whispered against her neck, breath hot and lips wet against Lena’s skin. “And you didn’t eat before we came and… I should’ve made you stay home. I should’ve told Cat you couldn’t… I’m s-so sorry, Lena.”

 

“Hey. No. Kara, listen.” Lena wouldn’t let her believe that. Couldn’t. It certainly hadn’t been Kara’s fault that Lena was stubborn, that she hadn’t given herself time when she’d needed it. That she hadn’t eaten breakfast, that she’d worked way too long, way too hard, way too late. Lena’s _life_ was not Kara’s fault and she would never, ever blame her for this.

 

She blamed herself.

 

“I’m an adult. I should’ve known my own body well enough to stay home. That’s not on you.”

 

“I should be looking out for you. Protecting you.”

 

“And you do.” Lena tugged at her until Kara lifted her head, smiled as she thumbed away some of her tears. “Kara, you do so much for me. I don’t even think you really know how much. But you can’t do everything for me. I need to know my own limits and I… I didn’t, not this time.” Or maybe she had, but she’d pushed it anyway. Stupid, so stupid. “Please don’t blame yourself, okay? Everything’s fine now. I’m okay.”

 

Kara drew in a shuddering breath and pressed her forehead to Lena’s. The gentle pressure was like an instant balm, and though Lena’s head still throbbed, she thought maybe it hurt a little less with Kara so close, with the sweet sunshine scent of her flooding her senses. Honey and vanilla, warm and sweet and familiar. Comforting. Hers.

 

“Please take better care of yourself,” Kara pleaded, and Lena nodded instantly, willing to agree to whatever Kara wanted in this moment despite not quite being sure she could actually follow through the way Kara would want her to. But she’d try. She’d try for Kara.

 

And she’d try for herself.

 

“Do me a favor?” Lena whispered.

 

“Anything.”

 

“Lay with me a while?”

 

(And when Kara crawled into the bed with her, when she curled close and wrapped so warmly around Lena, she knew she’d do whatever she could to be better.

 

For both of them.)

 

//

 

She woke hours later, groggy and just a bit cold without Kara beside her. The room was dark – Kara’s earlier attempt to lessen Lena’s building headache before she’d had to leave for work again – and it took a moment of adjustment for her to realize she was no longer alone.

 

She was a shadow first, a smudge of deeper darkness in the already shadowed room. But then Lena blinked the sleep and the spots from her eyes and there was her mother. Still a deeper darkness, but less physically so now as she stepped closer to Lena’s bed and frowned down at her. And there it was, as expected. The disappointment, the irritation. Like Lena had purposely ended up here just to let her down.

 

“Mother,” she greeted quietly, already dropping her eyes in quick submission, the fingers of her unencumbered hand twisting her blanket between them. For the first time in her life, she realized she was actively _wishing_ her mother away. Not just wishing herself somewhere else, but wishing Lillian wasn’t there, that she’d never shown up, that she’d kept her distance while Lena healed. And then the guilt followed because this was her mother still, the woman who’d raised her most of her life, the woman who’d sheltered her and clothed her. She should want her there, in her most vulnerable moments.

 

(So who did it say more about that she didn’t?)

 

“Lena,” Lillian greeted, her voice as cool as her eyes as she looked Lena up and down. Lena kept her expression neutral and her eyes downcast, though that look seemed to soak through her blankets and seared unpleasantly through every inch of skin.

 

(Her mother was the type of cold that was pure ice, so cold that it burned, and it could strip Lena right down to the marrow when it was directed at her.)

 

“Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call informing me that not only were you still here, but that you were being kept overnight for observation.” Lillian’s lips curled, but there was no warmth in her smile, no concern. Only damnation. “I believe when I messaged you, I told you to extricate yourself from this place as quickly as possible.”

 

“Tomorrow morning was as quickly as they were willing to release me,” Lena replied, her voice steady despite the tremors in her clenched fingers and the quiver in her gut. “I was unconscious for nearly half an hour after hitting my head. They want to make certain the damage isn’t more extensive than they originally thought, and they’re running tests.”

 

“Because they know you have money to give them, Lena. Don’t be daft. You’re perfectly lucid. Lucid enough to argue with me, in any case.”

 

“I’m not-” Lena bit back a sigh, instead took a moment of silence to rein in the anger she could feel bubbling just beneath the surface before she attempted to speak again. “I don’t mean to argue,” she corrected softly. “I tried my best to leave earlier, but the doctor wasn’t willing to release me without overnight observation. It can’t be helped.”

 

Lillian wandered closer in slow, deliberate steps, each strike of her heels on the hospital tile making Lena’s insides cringe in response. She stopped to the left of the bed, where Maggie had stood earlier, where Kara had replaced her, but she didn’t touch Lena. Instead she plucked at an empty jell-o cup on the tray table beside Lena’s bed, her eyes lingering on the empty plate that sat there as well. A long nail tapped against the end of the used fork so that it clattered against the plate, an almost piercing sound in the stretching silence.

 

“So in the meantime, you’re binge eating this hospital garbage.” Lillian’s smile grew a fraction, sharp around the edges.

 

“It was just jell-o and some salad.” Lena’s voice was barely above a whisper now, her fingers clenching tightly in her blanket. Everything in her felt hot and jittery, like every molecule in her body was vibrating in a desperate bid to escape. “They were worried about some of my blood results and supervised meals.”

 

Though admittedly it had not been her hawk-eyed nurse hovering nearby that had made Lena want to eat, but the worried looks Kara kept shooting her throughout the morning and early afternoon.

 

“You’re going to return to work and they won’t understand why you don’t fit any of your costumes,” Lillian hissed, a finger jabbing into Lena’s side hard enough to bruise. Used to it, Lena hardly flinched. “And that’s if you even still have your position when you leave this place after making such a scene. I’ll have to call Catherine Grant myself, make excuses. Funds will probably need to be exchanged.” When Lena stayed silent, refusing to rise to her bait, Lillian heaved a long-suffering sigh.

 

“But what wouldn’t a mother do for her only daughter, hm? I’ve always been here making your dreams come true, darling. Remember that.”

 

“Yes, mother.”

 

“Well then.” Lena cast a glance down at her wrist, frowning again as she noted the time displayed on her watch. “I have no more time to indulge in your dramatics. I expect you back to the studio as soon as you are freed from here tomorrow. There will be a car waiting outside to deliver you. Is that understood?”

 

“Yes, mother.”

 

“Good.” And without so much as a goodbye, Lillian soared from the room, slamming the door hard enough that it bounced back from the frame. Lena winced at the noise and dropped her head back against her pillow, eyes closing against the headache that had grown tenfold over the course of that visit.

 

“Was that your mother?”

 

Lena jolted, her eyes flying open again.

 

And there, framed in the doorway, was Alex. Alex, looking shocked and borderline furious as she stared at her. Lena’s stomach turned over and she looked away, her legs curling up towards her chest in automatic defense. This was the moment she’d been dreading, the moment someone met her mother. Or, well, at least witnessed what she was like. Someone too close, someone who’d push and ask questions. Well, Lena couldn’t allow that. It would only cause more problems.

 

She set her expression and nodded stiffly. “Yes, that was my mother.”

 

Alex swore, low and angry, and for a moment it looked like she might storm after Lillian and… well, Lena didn’t know what she’d do if she caught her, what she would say, so she was relieved when Alex closed the door instead and paced just inside of it. Back and forth, back and forth, her lips pressed tightly together.

 

She turned suddenly on her heel and stormed towards Lena, who flinched more visibly than she meant to, though she didn’t think Alex would ever actually strike her. Was she angry at Lena? Did she want her away from Kara now? The idea made her sick and Lena closed her eyes in defense, curling into herself.

 

And then suddenly Alex’s arms were around her in a tight hug, holding her as Lena tensed. It was unexpected and a little uncomfortable, at least at first. But then it occurred to her that Alex held her now in a way she’d only ever seen her hold an upset Kara. Like she mattered, like Alex cared. She held her like she held her sister, and the thought of it had Lena sagging into the embrace.

 

“Please don’t tell Kara about her,” she whispered, clinging to the back of Alex’s leather jacket. “Or anyone else. Not even Maggie. I know she can be… a lot, but she’s my mother. She’s all I have left of my family.”

 

“That’s not family.” Alex drew back and caught Lena’s shoulders in her hands, shaking her once, gently, before catching her face and forcing Lena to meet her gaze. She did, wide-eyed, because she’d never seen Alex like this. Not for her sake. “The people who got you here? The people who stayed? The people who actually give a flying fuck what happens to you? _Those_ people are your family.”

 

(The word from before, the word she hadn’t been able to think of. It was the one Alex thrust at her now like it was obvious, like it wasn’t an abrupt shock to her system.

 

Family. This was what a family was supposed to be.)

 

Lena drew in a gasping breath, her hand pressed to her chest where her heart slammed abruptly in her chest. The machine at her side gave a warning beep and Alex slid it a wary glance before gentling her hold.

 

“Breathe, Luthor,” she ordered, but her hands were careful as she cradled Lena against her again. Lena closed her eyes and sank in immediately this time, steadying her heartbeat by comparing it to the sound of Alex’s. “It’s okay. It’s alright. We’ve got you now.”

 

Yes. Yes, they had her. Lena believed it fully.

 

Because that was what families did.

 

//

 

“Go home.”

 

“But Ms. Grant-”

 

“I’m sorry, did that sound like a question? Or like the opening line of a debate?” Cat leaned forward in her chair, steepled her fingers in front of her, and said again, “Go home, Miss Luthor.”

 

Part of her wanted to. The part that ached, the part that was still so exhausted, the part that acknowledged the throb of her head desperately wanted to do just that. But even as the relief came, so too came the panic. It filled her chest up and squeezed her lungs and she was shaking her head before she even had words to speak.

 

“Listen.” Cat was impatient now, shoving away from her desk with a huff. “Do you think I want to waste _more_ rehearsal time, scooping you up off the floor again? And that’s all that is going to happen if I let you dance today. So the answer is _no,_ Miss Luthor. Go home, get some rest. Am I understood?”

 

“Ms. Grant, please don’t replace me. I can dance Giselle, I promise I can.”

 

“Replace you?” Cat rolled her eyes. “Is that what this is about? I’m not replacing you, you daft girl. I’m putting you on bed rest so that you can get back on my stage and perform the way you are meant to. Two days in bed, is that clear? And then you’re expected back here, ready to work.”

 

“I… you’re not replacing me?”

 

“Is there an echo in here?” Lena watched as Cat sat again, rolling back to her desk to draw the paperwork she’d been working on close again. A moment ticked by and she looked up, lifting her eyebrows at the sight of Lena still sitting across from her. “I’m sorry, am I not making myself clear enough? _Go._ And take Kiera with you. I’m sick of her concerned moping.” And then she looked back down at her work, lips pursed, pencil tapping against her lips.

 

Lena pushed slowly to her feet, a bit dazed, a bit uncertain still. “Thank you, Ms. Grant,” she said as she moved towards the door, bag over her shoulder, fingers twisting the strap. She was just about to go through it when Cat called out again.

 

“Oh, and Miss Luthor?” She looked up at Lena from over the top of her glasses. “Tell your mother to keep her money, and that she is no longer welcome in my studio or my theatre unless she is watching a performance. No.” She held out a hand, palm out, stopping Lena from speaking before she’d even opened her mouth. “Never mind. It will be far more satisfying to tell her myself. You may go.”

 

And that was it. Lena gaped at her a moment and then nodded slowly, backing out the door. “Yes, Ms. Grant,” she choked out before slipping through the door and closing it quietly behind her.

 

With nothing else to do, she sought out Kara to inform her of Ms. Grant’s orders.

 

She wanted to go home.


	13. contretemps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids! Sorry this chapter took sooo long. My life has been unbelievably busy. I got engaged! And then my laptop screen broke. It is still broken, so if you notice this chapter has declined in quality/increased in typos, it's because I had to type all of it on a tablet. lmao please forgive me and I hope you enjoy because this chapter is p gay. xx

Lena wasn’t sure she found bed rest very agreeable.

 

Oh, it sounded good in theory, she supposed. Being tended to, pampered, while she sat without moving on the couch or the bed and watched mindless television. Kara was attentive and sweet and she took such great care with Lena, but god, it was excruciatingly boring and Lena was restless and annoyed by the time she’d been sitting idle for just over two hours. Netflix was all well and good when Kara sat with her and they cuddled in together to watch whatever movie Kara selected, but when it was Lena by herself while Kara bustled around trying to clean and do things for Lena and half-work for Cat, it lost its appeal rather quickly.

 

Lena couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so still for so long. The hospital had been bad enough, but with this part added on to that time? She was losing her mind.

 

Hour five came around and Lena sighed, shifting against the couch cushions, turning to face the ceiling rather than the television as her head began to throb again. The headache came off and on, but Lena refused Kara every time she offered to get her prescribed pain killers. She didn’t like the fogginess that came with them, or the time she lost when they inevitably knocked her out.

 

(She didn’t like the loss of control. She already lacked it in so many parts of her life.)

 

The sun was bright and persistent behind the blinds. It shone through around the edges and spoke of a beautiful day that was being wasted sitting around doing nothing. With her eyes closed, she could almost imagine the warmth of the day on her skin, an experience so rarely allowed because her mother didn’t approve of her ruining her skin with excessive sunlight.

 

Even the thought of her mother made Lena’s stomach curdle and she turned again, facing the back of the couch now as she curled into herself and pinched her eyes tightly shut against the wave of nausea that swept through her. That, too, came with the concussion, but she hadn’t mentioned it to Kara. It would only make her fuss more, and as much as Lena appreciated her and all she was doing, her helicopter tending was kind of irritating.

 

Or maybe Lena was just irritable in general and that made everything seem ten times more annoying than it actually was. It’s just… Lena wasn’t used to this. Time passing in quiet hours filled with inactivity. Her body felt heavier by the minute, limbs weighed down by an exhaustion she wasn’t meant to feel in the middle of the day. And okay, perhaps that was again something that could be attributed to being concussed, but it was still an uncomfortable feeling. Like putting on a sweater after washing it for the first time only to find it was too tight.

 

(She remembered when that had first started happening to her, when clothes shrunk and she panicked thinking that she’d suddenly grown thicker.

 

She remembered, too, the sneaking suspicion that came later. The thought at the back of her mind that her mother had changed the settings on the washer and dryer to make Lena feel that way.)

 

Only instead of a sweater – because the loose hoodie she wore that smelled like Kara felt anything but restricting – it was the very walls that felt too close. The room, the apartment even, and it had the pressure building just behind her ribs until she was certain she would explode from it. Just… boom.

 

Yet even as she thought it, Kara appeared, settling on the edge of the couch. Her hand found the small of Lena’s back, stroking in slow circles as she leaned over and nudged her lips to a spot just behind her ear. Lena shivered at the feeling and turned her head, looking at Kara through the dim light of the room.

 

“You okay?” Kara asked softly, leaning in to nudge their noses together now before brushing a kiss over her lips. “Headache?”

 

“Little one,” Lena whispered back, her system already settling as Kara began to card her fingers through her hair. It was loose today, as the tight buns made her head hurt worse, and the curling mess of it caught occasionally on Kara’s fingers as she gently worked through the tangles. “No meds,” she added, anticipating Kara’s next question. When she pouted a bit, Lena’s lips curled into a tiny smile. “You’re so predictable.”

 

“I just want you to feel better.” Blue eyes tracked across her face and Lena softened further, feeling guilty for her earlier annoyance. That’s exactly what Kara wanted, no ulterior motives, no demands, no pushing. She wanted Lena better so that _Lena_ would feel better and she was working hard to make that happen. Which wasn’t her responsibility, Lena thought as she reached out to stroked the curve of her cheek. Kara didn’t need to take care of here.

 

But she was. She was here and she was so careful. She was driving Lena a little crazy, but it came from a place Lena was just beginning to see in her. A part of her heart that needed to protect, to keep safe, to make up for failing to do so.

 

(Though that failure was only in her own eyes. Lena knew better. She knew that Kara had saved her in more ways than Kara could possibly knew.

 

Lena knew that Kara gave her the courage to save herself.)

 

“You know what would make me feel better?” she asked, her voice pitched at a more normal volume now.

 

Kara’s eyes snapped to hers. “What?”

 

“Some vitamin D exposure.”

 

“Lena…”

 

“I’ll wear sunglasses,” she promised with a small smile, nudging Kara’s hip gently. Her expression flickered, wavered, and Lena gave another gentle nudge. “I’ll keep my eyes closed.” This time she earned a laugh.

 

“You’re ridiculous,” Kara mumbled with a shake of her head and Lena felt warmth bloom in her chest at the soft affection she could hear and see and _sense_ from every part of Kara. All of it for her, for Lena. “Why am I dating you again?” And the teasing words make the blossoming warmth grow and unfurl, spreading through her entire body until she could hardly breathe for how much it filled her.

 

“Because I’m surly and short and I make you look good in comparison,” Lena offered, playing with Kara’s fingers now as she watched her from beneath her lashes. “So… Is that a yes?”

 

Kara hesitated still, a small frown curving her lips as she considered Lena. “You’ll tell me if your headache gets worse? And go back inside without an argument?”

 

“Promise.” Lena sat up a little, excited at the idea of leaving the damned apartment. It hadn’t even been half a day and she was going crazy. And it wasn’t even the apartment itself that was the problem – Lena loved this place, really - it was just the knowledge that she wasn’t allowed to leave it that had her feeling closed in. Caged. There had been so many cages in her life comprised of four walls and an overbearing warden. Gilded cages, perhaps, but cages nonetheless.

 

She never wanted to relate that feeling to Kara, or to this place that felt like a home.

 

“Alright,” Kara said. Then quickly she added, “But only for a little while, Lena. You’re supposed to be on bed rest. Which takes place in a bed usually.”

 

“Deal.” Lea couldn’t help the smile that came, wider and brighter and more unrestrained than she normally would have let herself give. At least with anyone else. Kara seemed to startle in response to it before her own bright smile came and Lena melted into her arms when she wrapped them around her and drew her close.

 

“In a minute,” Kara decided, her lips tracing the curve of Lena’s cheek, pressing into the place Lena knew a dimple sometimes formed if she smiled big enough. Kara loved that spot, she’d come to learn. Possibly because she was one of the only people who could coax it out of hiding.

 

“In a minute,” she agreed, and the affection that sat so warmly in her chest now colored her voice as she turned her head and caught Kara’s lips with her own.

 

//

 

They didn’t stay out long during the day, But Kara must have sensed her frustration because she took her up again when the sun was down. And oh, god, it felt nice to breathe again, to feel the air move over her skin and through her hair. Lena closed her eyes and tilted her head back, humming as a soft breeze tugged at her. She didn’t even realize she was smiling until Kara passed her, lips pressing to the corner of her mouth.

 

It made her smile grow, but she kept her eyes closed. At least until soft music joined the distant city sounds, floating up to them from someplace down below. Lena shuffled closer to the edge, attempted to peer over to see where it was coming from, but she couldn’t see anything.

 

“There’s a jazz club on the corner,” Kara offered, and Lena felt her step in close behind her before slipping her arms around her waist, chin dropping down onto her shoulder. Lena let herself sink back into her embrace, enjoying the warmth and strength of her, the realness of her. Those arms gave her a gentle tug, easing her back away from the edge of the roof. “Don’t want you to fall,” she murmured against Lena’s ear.

 

( _Too late,_ a voice whispered at the back of her mind.)

 

“I won’t fall,” she said instead. Kara laughed.

 

‘Such confidence in your graceful ballerina feet.”

 

“No.” Lena shook her head slightly. “I just know you’d catch me before I could.”

 

Kara sighed and nuzzled into Lena’s neck, a soft kiss whispering across her skin. “I’m not a superhero, you know. There’s only so much I can do if you fall off the roof.”

 

Lena laughed and turned in Kara’s arms, looping her own around her neck as she studied her. The eyes looking back at her were so blue, so clear, so steady. She saw Lena in a way no one else did, or could. She _saw_ her, and Lena would never stop being grateful to her for it. Lena had other people in her life now, but it was Kara who’d seen her through the mirror, through the rain, before the tornado from Oz swept in and combined their worlds.

 

“You may not be a superhero,” she murmured, fingers playing with the fine hairs at the base of Kara’s neck, “But you’re my hero, Kara Danvers.”

 

She watched the surprised pleasure move across Kara’s face before she smiled almost bashfully, ducking her head down to tuck her face into the crook of Lena’s neck. Lena only smiled and trailed her fingers through Kara’s hair, closing her eyes as she lost herself in their quiet slice of night, surrounded by jazz music and distant city sounds.

 

They began to sway together, Kara’s hand sliding down her arm until their fingers tangled, her other arm dropping low around her waist. Their bodies synced automatically to the music, turning together on the roof in slow, measured circles. It was romantic, Lena thought, her eyes closed as she rested her cheek on Kara’s shoulder. It was easy.

 

It was everything.

 

“I still couldn’t save you if you fell off a building,” Kara teased softly, lips dusting across the shell of her ear.

 

“That’s okay,” Lena returned, just as soft. “You’ve already saved me.”

 

//

 

Recovery took more than just the two days, though true to her word, Cat let her return when the two had passed. It meant Kara shoving breakfast at her almost as soon as she woke up (and if her stomach had churned at the sight of the pancakes, Lena had forced herself to eat half of the meal in any case, though they’d have to find a healthier middle ground eventually). It meant being asked at least six times on the way to the studio if she was certain she was ready. It meant Lucy sticking pretty close to her during rehearsals and James checking in when they were partnering and Kara’s distant hovering and Cat’s critical eyes on her more than half the time.

 

But it also meant she was working and moving and no longer stuck on bed rest, so she endured the rest with less frustration than she’d felt back in the apartment.

 

And by the end of work hours, she was admittedly more worn out than she usually was and her head was actually bothering her quite a bit, but she wasn’t nauseated and she didn’t feel like passing out so she considered it a successful return to work. A glance in the mirror showed her that she was flushed, which was far better than the pale, drawn out look she’d been sporting for the past week, and the sweat that dampened her skin was a healthy one instead of the cold, clammy sweat of exhaustion.

 

She felt better than she had in a while and could admit, at least to herself, that the rest had been necessary.

 

“You look better,” Lucy said as they toweled off, passing Lena a water bottle with a grin. Lena took it gratefully – she’d long since emptied her own, as everyone kept reminding her to stay hydrated - and hummed in agreement as she brought it to her lips.

 

“I feel better,” she admitted, smiling faintly in Lucy’s direction. The show’s opening night was just over a week away and yet Lena felt solid for the first time in so long. Her stomach wasn’t trembling and she didn’t get that feeling of constant judgment looming over her, thanks almost completely to the fact she knew Cat Grant had banned her mother from the theatre.

 

(The scathing email Lena had received in response had given her a bad moment yesterday, but Kara had been there and it had been soothed away far more quickly than she was used to.)

 

“Kara been taking good care of you?” Lucy smirked as she asked, her shoulder giving Lena’s a friendly bump so that she smiled even as her heart scrambled. She found Kara automatically where she stood across the room talking avidly to James, her hands gesticulating with every word. James said something in response and Kara laughed, laugh and joyous, and her eyes found Lena’s even as she continued to grin.

 

“Yeah,” Lena murmured. “She’s been wonderful.”

 

“God, Luthor.” Lucy laughed and shook her head, swatting at Lena with her towel. Lena crinkled her nose and pretended to scowl at her, tearing her eyes away from Kara just to prove she could. She watched Lucy look around them and the gesture was almost casual, but Lena could see the way she was judging the space between them and the nearest dancers, seeing if their conversation was private, and she was grateful.

 

So when Lucy turned her head and smirked, when she muttered, “You’re sunk,” and stuck out her tongue, Lena let herself smile and shrug instead of shrinking away.

 

She could learn, slowly, to have these kinds of conversations with friends. Because if she couldn’t talk to them about her feelings for Kara, then who could she talk to? How could she manage everything that was inside of her if the only person who knew even a fraction of what she held was the person she held it all for? And even if her heart beat a little faster, even if her stomach clutched just a little, she felt okay with Lucy.

 

She felt safe.

  
“I am,” she all but whispered, her eyes finding Kara’s again. Kara’s forehead creased and she tilted her head in question, obviously wondering about whatever expression Lena was wearing. Lena offered a smile in response, small but genuine, reassuring she hoped. And since she got a smile in return, she was fairly sure she succeeded. “I am very, very sunk.”

 

“Gross.” But Lucy said it warmly and slung an arm across Lena’s shoulders. “You’re both so gross.”

 

“Both?” Lena glanced back to Lucy. “You mean Kara?”

 

“Mm.” Lucy smirked and guzzled down half of her water bottle.

 

“She talks about me?”

 

“Are you joking? God, Lena. You’re legit in like, every fucking conversation even when you aren’t around. That girl-” Lucy cut herself off and shook her head, sipping again from her bottle while Lena watched her, absolutely fascinated. It never occurred to her that Kara would talk about her outside of her being there. Which seemed silly now, but… well.

 

“She’s just as sunk, let’s put it that way.”

 

And Lena knew that. How could she not when she knew the words that went unspoken, when she knew what Kara had on the tip of her tongue when they were together, when she knew the only thing between her and those words was herself? But somehow having someone else say it… Her heart jumped and her stomach fluttered and it wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t unpleasant either.

 

Lena brought her own bottle up, hiding her smile against the top of it as her eyes slid away to focus once again on her girlfriend.

 

(And if she saw Lucy roll her eyes in her peripheral, she couldn’t bring herself to care much that she hadn’t done a very good job hiding it.

 

 _Kara thinks about me,_ she thought with a quiet, breathless laugh, _even when I’m not there._

 

One day it would stop feeling like a miracle that she existed outside of this place, the only world she’d thought she could _be_ in for so long.)

 

“Gross,” Lucy said again when Kara started to cross to them, squeezing once with the arm wrapped around Lena’s shoulders before dropping it back to her side. With a final wink in her direction, Lucy turned and made her own way across the room to grab James, but Lena lost track of her. Her own eyes were all for Kara.

 

And riding on the high of her own feelings, she didn’t hesitate to hug her when she drew close, squeezing once before stepping back again.

 

Kara looked as she had the night before, surprised and pleased, and it felt really good to be able to put that look on her face again and again. She thought she could get used to surprising her, to making her feel good instead of worried or angry or sad or any of the number of emotions she’d made Kara feel in their time together.

 

“Let’s go to dinner tonight,” she said, her voice pitched low, soft with affection. “Somewhere out of the city. Let’s just get out of here and find somewhere we can be just...” She hesitated, not quite sure what she was trying to say. Her eyes darted sideways, searching, but the dancers were already moving out of the room and they were pretty much alone but for a few lingering near the door.

 

“Somewhere we can just be,” she concluded with a small half shrug, shifting her gaze back to Kara.

 

“Why, Miss Luthor.” Kara grinned at her, lips curving slowly. “Are you asking me on a date?”

 

“Maybe.” Lena bit her lip and tried to contain the smile she knew would give them away if she let it spread. It would be too wide, too bright. Her cheeks would dimple in that way only Kara could make them and it would be obvious to anyone looking at her how… _dazzled_ she was, just being in Kara’s presence. “Are you saying yes?”

 

“Maybe.” Kara’s teeth were sunk into her lip now too (Lena wondered if it was for the same reason, if she just couldn’t contain the joy inside of her, if the pressure of it felt enormous in her chest). She watched Lena quietly a moment, her hand lifting to adjust her glasses as she pretended to consider.

 

Then, “Yeah.”

 

“Okay.” She inhaled, exhaled, took stock of how she felt. Good, she decided. Really, really good. The nervous clutch she usually felt in her belly was more like a pinch now. It helped that they were leaving National City to do this, that they would be together away from all of these people that knew them. Away from the constant fear that Lillian would be wherever they were or that someone from the company who wasn’t James or Lucy would walk in and see them.

 

Somewhere they could just be, she’d told Kara. Be themselves, be together, be somewhere they could feel real as a pair. Because oh, Lena wanted that. She wanted to know what it was like to be two girls holding hands, two girls who felt… all they felt for one another. What was it like to be just another couple out on a date night, enjoying one another’s company? She’d get to find out soon.

 

Lena tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, the gesture absent as her heart pulsed with everything even the idea of having Kara this way made her feel.

 

“I’ve got to stop at my apartment then,” she said slowly. “Pick me up there in like an hour?”

 

Kara nodded and cast a glance behind them. When she was certain they were alone – Lena knew she’d check, knew she’d care enough about Lena to do so – she dipped down and pressed a fleeting kiss to her lips. Lena reached up and caught her collar, held her there a beat longer before they parted with identical smiles.

 

(Kara’s eyes shifted, her finger reaching up to tap lightly against Lena’s cheek.)

 

“An hour,” she said, blue eyes meeting green again as excitement came to life in her eyes. “Not a minute more.”

 

Lena sighed with a soft contentment, her fingers straightening out the collar she’d just tugged on.

 

“Not a minute more.”

 

//

 

The very few dates she’d been on in the past had been nothing like this.

 

Those were all with boys that had been selected for her to venues that had been pre-approved and they’d never ended with anything more than a chaste kiss goodnight. No later than nine, every time, as Lena had to rehearse again early the next morning (it didn’t matter what day it was) and so nine was her curfew.

 

She was an adult now, of course, and though she still had rehearsal early the next morning, she refused any sort of time restraint. She wanted to be out with Kara as long as they could be out together and that was that. Not that Kara would let them stay out that late in any case, as she was still fretting over Lena’s health, but it would damn well be later than nine.

 

They drove down the coast and out of National City, drove until they hit a different set of buildings and lights and streets and sounds.

 

They went to dinner first, chatted quietly over candlelight with their fingers linked on the tabletop. Her hand jerked a little whenever the waiter stopped by, but when Kara moved to pull away, she clung to her fingers and shot a small, nervous smile across the table. _It’s okay. I’m okay. We can do this._ I _can do this._ And Kara had smiled wide in return, gently squeezing, reassuring Lena even as Lena reassured her.

 

No one said anything or paid much attention at all, really, and Lena was grateful for that. Grateful for this reprieve that was not away from reality, but was actually just their own reality, separate from the one they lived normally. Kara looked so wonderful with her hair only half up, set in a riot of loose curls. She’d never seen someone wear something as simple as slacks and a tucked in button-down and look so good.

 

(Lena had opted for a dress, simple and black, with a swirling skirt and a sweater in shockingly bold red. Kara made her feel bold.)

 

They followed dinner with a walk along the shore. It was a bit chilly, a bit windy, and so they were the only ones taking that late night stroll with their hands linked and swinging between them. Lena didn’t mind the way it made her loose hair whip across her face and shoulders, didn’t mind how it made them press close, shoulder to shoulder.

 

They stopped to stare out across the water and listen to the waves. Lena said something about the way the stars and the moon were reflected in the water, about how it was like they were walking the horizon between two skies.

 

Kara said that she felt the same way about Lena’s eyes.

 

Lena turned into her and pressed her face into her shoulder, fingers clinging to the material of her shirt so that it bunched against her waist. Then she looked up and met her eyes, staring into the infinity of them, fingers reaching up to nudge her glasses to the top of her head so that she could see them clearly.

 

“Tell me now,” she whispered. “While we’re in the in between.”

 

Kara ducked down and pressed their foreheads together, hands lifting to thread through the wild mass of Lena’s hair. She didn’t ask if she was sure, didn’t hesitate a moment. She just held her and said the words.

 

“I love you, Lena.”

 

And then they were kissing with the surf teasing the toes of their shoes, there beneath the billions of stars somewhere on the edge of the universe.

 

//

 

And neither of them heard the click and whir of the camera that captured the moment.


	14. soutenu répéter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo. So this chapter kind of... went in an unintended direction and got longer than I meant it to so I had to cut it in half. For those of you interested in my characterization of Kara, I will have further notes at the end of the topic to explain, you know, stuff. Vague spoilery chapter stuff. Okay, read on! Plz tell me what you think when you're done reading. Mwah mwah. xx

They got back to Kara’s apartment later than they’d meant to and Lena knew she’d be paying for it tomorrow, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She was still in the in between, safe in a place that only held Kara and herself. There was no disapproving mother here, no obligations or time constraints.

 

She didn’t owe anything to anyone but herself tonight.

 

They walked through the front door together, her hand tucked into Kara’s since the elevator, both of them content in their comfortable silence. Kara had thought to leave a side lamp on before they left and it cast a soft, yellowish glow over the room, the only source of light that reached them as Kara turned towards her and their eyes met. They smiled nearly at the same time and it had Lena laughing quietly, amazed by their synchronicity, by the fact she could still feel almost shy with Kara still when they spent so much time together.

 

Her head ducked and Kara laughed as well, tugging her in until Lena could nuzzle into the curve of her neck while Kara’s fingers threaded through her hair. She liked it here, where she could feel Kara’s heart against her chest, could feel her pulse against her lips when she pressed a kiss to the skin within her reach.

 

It felt almost otherworldly, this quiet moment between them, caught somewhere between dream and reality. Every shift anticipated, every want met before the question could even form. When she tilted her head back again, Kara was there to frame her face so carefully between her hands, dipping down to meet Lena’s lips with her own. Lena’s hands lifted to her wrists, then slid down to the crooks of her elbows as she melted into the embrace.

 

She could barely breathe for the sweetness of it, but Lena didn’t care. She’d gladly use every bit of air in her lungs feeling this way. Warm. Cherished.

 

Loved.

 

God, she never wanted to stop feeling loved.

 

They moved, again together, this time towards Kara’s bedroom with their linked fingers twined together between them. It was a familiar route, one Lena had walked nearly every night for months now. One she knew better than her own apartment now, one she could walk practically in her sleep.

 

But it felt different somehow. Something had changed, or perhaps that was just Lena. Something had shifted in her chest with Kara’s confession and it felt so big, so open, an almost greedy quest for more. More of Kara’s words, more of the feelings she gave to her, more… everything. It was different, she was different, and she wondered if Kara could feel it as certainly as she did when they stepped through the bedroom door and Lena closed it softly behind them.

 

Kara was looking at her when she turned again, watching with soft eyes that no longer guarded what she felt. The love was written so plainly over every feature that Lena’s breath caught at the sight and she released a shuddering sigh before holding out her other hand. Kara stepped closer and caught her wrist, bringing Lena’s hand to her lips to brush a kiss across her palm.

 

“Kara.” There were so many words, and yet none at all, and it didn’t seem to matter with Kara watching her so steadily.

 

“I love you,” Kara whispered, and Lena’s heart trembled and turned in her chest.

 

“Show me?” was her quiet response.

 

Like on the beach, Kara didn’t ask for clarification. Lena could see that she knew exactly what she was asking, what she wanted, so she didn’t question. Because there was no hesitance from her, Lena knew. Whatever else she was feeling, whatever else she was uncertain of, she was always sure of one thing. And that was Kara.

 

Her constant.

 

(Her body trembled and her heart began to race in her chest and all she could think was _I never thought I’d have this. I never thought I’d have_ you.)

 

Kara kissed her again, her hands lifting to frame Lena's face so delicately between her palms. And she was shaking too, Lena realized, her hands unsteady against her skin so that Lena reached for them automatically to sooth, to reassure.

 

Kara smiled against her lips and let her thumbs trace the sharp angles of her cheeks, a touch that had Lena sighing into her even as Kara's hands shifted and skimmed down her neck to her shoulders. They brushed her sweater carefully from her shoulders and Lena adjusted to let it slide down and off, her breath leaving her as it fell and pooled around her ankles.

 

“Okay?” Kara asked and Lena nodded, reaching out to curl her fingers into Kara's shirt, tight against her waist where the material was loose. She didn't tug, just held, her eyes wide and roaming as they traced over every inch of Kara's face. There was no smiling now, both of them too caught up, but there was something else there, something Lena understood because the same feeling seemed to be all but bursting out of her as the reality of all of this sank in.

 

Utter wonder.

 

Soft lips pressed to the curve of Lena's shoulder then, the sensitive place where it joined with her neck, and her eyes fell shut as every nerve ending in her body seemed to come to life. Warmth filled the pit of her belly, spread over her skin, hummed in her fingertips. She’d never known anything like this, never known that she could. No articles, no textbooks, no novels could have ever prepared her for the reality of being touched, even so carefully, so innocently. None could have told her how it felt to have Kara looking at her in just this way, her fingertips just barely gliding over the skin of Lena’s arms where goosebumps rose in response.

 

It was almost overwhelming, the reality of it. No matter how slowly they moved or how delicate Kara was, every sense was flooded with her and Lena wasn't sure what to do with her hands, her mouth, the whole of herself. She was very aware of how hard her heart was beating because her pulse seemed to pound her ears, the only one of her senses that wasn’t invaded by everything Kara. She was otherwise filled to the brim with her taste, her scent, the heat of her skin. The sight of her, bright and beautiful, sunlight and color pouring into her world from all sides as Kara kissed a path from one shoulder to the other and the shadows disappeared.

 

And if this was drowning her, then Lena would go under willingly, content that the last thing she’d known was absolute joy.

 

When Kara’s fingers found the zipper of her dress, Lena only nodded, tugging her lips back to her own as she dragged it down and the material slipped off to join the sweater on the floor. Only then, with the air of the room cool against her heated skin, did Lena’s mind seem to catch up and she lifted her arms in an attempt to cover what had just been bared to her girlfriend’s hands, her eyes, her lips. It suddenly terrified her, the idea of Kara seeing her naked, even just in the moonlight filtering through her windows.

 

Because she knew how she looked. She knew how her ribs stood out against the press of her skin, knew the soft places where she’d started to put on more weight since the start of their friendship. She knew the paleness of her skin as well, and the freckles she’d been self-conscious off since childhood. She knew every curve, every angle, every displeasing feature, and the idea of Kara knowing them now was almost terrifying. What if she turned away, or put an end to this? What if she wanted nothing further? What if, what if, what if…

 

She must have sensed her hesitation because Kara drew back slightly, blue eyes searching green as she skimmed her fingertips over Lena’s arms again. She said her name, softly, but Lena could only shake her head and drop her gaze.

 

“Sorry,” she breathed, shame burning up the back of her neck and into her face. “I’m sorry I’m not...”

 

“Look at me,” Kara breathed when Lena trailed off. It took a moment, but when she managed to meet Kara’s eyes again, they were steady on her face, warm and understanding. So understanding that it made Lena’s heart ache, made her arms tighten around her own body while Kara’s thumbs gently brushed across her biceps. “Have I ever lied to you, Lena?”

 

“No. Never.”

 

“So will you believe what I tell you now?”

 

“I… yes. Of course, yes.”

 

Kara smiled, dipping down to press a kiss to the tip of Lena’s nose.

 

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” When Lena’s brow creased with doubt, Kara only shook her head and reached up to smooth her thumb down the center line, nudging closer so their lips feathered together. “I’ve never lied to you, remember? Your heart is the most beautiful part of you, Lena. That’s the part I loved first. But your face? The rest of you?” Their foreheads pressed together now and Lena’s arms loosened slightly as she listened, all but hypnotized by Kara’s voice as soft kisses brushed across her face.

 

“The first time I saw you, I almost didn’t think you were real.” Kara laughed a little, her mouth curving against Lena’s temple. “I thought, Jesus, where the heck did she come from? And then I dropped all my sheet music. Remember?”

 

“You-” Lena let out a startled laugh and leaned back, amazed by the revelation. “You dropped it because you saw me?” And when Kara nodded, she bit her lip to contain her surprised smile and ducked her head again, her forehead pressing into Kara’s shoulder as long, familiar arms circled her waist.

 

“You stole my breath away, Lena,” she whispered against her ear. “You still do, every day. Even more now because I know the rest of you too, and I know that what you have inside matches that face of yours.”

 

“Such a poet,” Lena attempted to tease, but her voice shook and she was as breathless now as Kara had claimed to be. Her arms fell away inch by inch, her hands returning to the now wrinkled material of Kara’s shirt as she looked up at her again. Their eyes met and Kara didn’t look away, only smiled again and touched a kiss to Lena’s lips.

 

“If you want poetry, I can try to give that to you,” she offered, soft and sincere. “I’m not great at it, but I’ll give it to you. You just have to ask.”

 

Lena shook her head, her fingers falling to the bottom of Kara’s shirt.

 

“I don’t want poetry.” She tugged until it loosened, then slipped it free of the waistband of her pants. Kara watched her steadily through the motion, kissed her when Lena pressed up on her toes in offer.

 

(If she kissed her, if she touched her, if her hands had purpose, it was easier not to worry about the rest. It was easier to just let herself feel what Kara gave.)

 

“I just want you.”

 

And then they were kissing again, deeper now, Kara's hands buried in the thickness of her hair even as Lena's fingers worked the line of buttons down Kara's front, bottom to top, fitting each one through its slot until her shirt hung open. And oh, her skin was so soft when Lena dared to touch, smooth and bare over firm muscle and a flat stomach. Not thin, not like Lena, but lean and toned and… _beautiful._ She didn't understand how anyone could think any part of this was wrong when it felt so perfect.

 

(For once her mother’s voice was not in her head. For once, the demons that so often taunted her with dark thoughts and cruel memories stayed silent. The only thing on her mind was the way her heart beat with _Kara, Kara, Kara.)_

 

“Can I touch you?” Kara asked and Lena nodded, eager now, her hands pushing Kara's shirt from her shoulders a moment before Kara's hands fell to her waist. She sucked in a sharp breath at the sensation of long fingers against flushed skin, tracing her hip bones and her navel and the curve of each rib. Her knuckles just barely brushed the underside of Lena's breasts and she jerked, shaking her head when Kara froze and started to pull away.

 

“No, please. You just surprised me.” She kissed the underside of her jaw, lifted a hand to press Kara's back against her skin when she hesitated. “It's alright. I'm alright,” she promised, kissing her again when she finally seemed to believe the words.

 

And this time it was Lena’s hands tugging Kara’s hair free of the hair tie and pins holding it half up, dropping them carelessly to the floor so that she could lose herself in the silk of blonde curls.

 

Their hands stayed slow, exploratory, moving over bared flesh as they inched backwards towards Kara’s bed. Lena sucked in a sharp breath when Kara’s thumbs brushed the waistband of her underwear. It shuddered out again when she kissed the spot just beneath her ear where her pulse fluttered like hummingbird’s wings, quick and light. A soft gasp slipped past her lips when those warm hands framed her waist and lifted her onto the mattress, when Kara slid over her, still half dressed, and pressed slow, lingering kisses down the line of her throat and along her collarbones.

 

There were no words now but for soft, affectionate murmurs and names whispered on exhales. They had no need for them. Every touch, every kiss, said all that needed to be said.

 

(She wondered briefly if Kara had done this before and then decided that it didn’t matter. Kara’s past was her own, but right now was theirs, together, and that was what Lena cared about.)

 

Soft lips found their way back to Lena’s and she tangled her fingers in the mess of blonde spilling down around their faces, pushing it back when it caught on their mouths so that she could kiss Kara without it in the way. It was like being curtained in sunlight, like she’d reached out and grasped its rays in her hands before claiming to source of its heat with her kisses.

 

Her bra fell away, simple lace replaced by lips and hands so that Lena arched and shuddered, her world narrowing down to just this, just them. The matching underwear slipped down her hips and followed the bra to the floor so that Lena was bare, the skin of her legs sliding against the pants Kara still wore.

 

Their eyes met and for a moment, everything seemed to still. Her heart, her lungs, her mind; all of it went silent as the universe seemed to hold its breath for them. It was waiting, waiting, giving them the chance to make this memory right on the cusp of everything changing.

 

And then Kara filled her.

 

Their foreheads pressed together, their lips just barely brushed, and Lena shifted beneath Kara's weight, lifting into the tender pressure of her fingers.

 

“I love you,” she whispered, clinging still to the hair tangled around her fingers. A tear slipped past her lashes, rolled down her temple, and vanished into her hairline while Kara traced its path with her lips. “I love you. I love you, Kara.”

 

“I know.” Kara painted kisses across her skin, every bit of it she could reach. “I know you do. I love you too.”

 

Lena's heart overflowed with the tenderness of it as something built in her chest, in her belly, growing in enormity. And it could have been scary, maybe should have been, but Kara was with her, loving her, cherishing her.

 

And instead of shying away, Lena rose up to meet it.

 

( _I love you, I love you, I love you._ Her heart beat out the words when she tumbled over the edge. And even as the waves closed over her head, she knew she wouldn't drown after all.

 

Kara would always be there to keep her head above the water.)

 

//

 

Her limbs felt like melted candle wax, liquid and without shape, and she lay curled into Kara's body without caring whether or not she'd be able to move ever again. Kara held her, their positions reversed now, Lena tucked over the girl who was now her lover without a clue as to how she'd ended up that way. She didn't bother to ask, content with the way her head rested on her chest, the way Kara's fingers slipped through her hair and scratched against her scalp, lulling her towards sleep.

 

“Sleep, Lena,” she murmured as if reading her mind, and Lena shook her head. She knew she should, knew that her body was tempted as well, but they weren't done, were they? Couldn't be. It felt too lovely to let go of.

 

“You're still wearing your pants,” she mumbled, her voice muffled against Kara's skin, and Kara chuckled as her fingers pressed into the base of her neck.

 

“I'll take them off if you'd be more comfortable like that.”

 

“No, I mean…” Lena lifted her head, tried to shake the dragging weight of sleep from her head, her eyes, as she looked down at Kara. “I mean, don't you want…” Lena's head ducked when Kara only watched her, gaze dropping down between them as her fingers fiddled with the button of her slacks. Kara's torso was bare and pressed against her own and Lena felt heat crawl into her cheeks as she stared down at where their breasts pressed together. When her belly pitched again, she wondered why people slept when they could be doing this, when they could be _feeling_ like this.

 

“You gave me what I wanted already,” Kara said, fingers tracing the curve of Lena's back.

 

The words were confusing. Lena hadn't given anything, after all. She'd taken and taken and enjoyed every moment of it, but she hadn't touched Kara in return. Wasn't reciprocity important? Wouldn't Kara need to be… well. Wouldn't she want back exactly what she'd given?

 

Her confusion must have shown because Kara murmured her name and rolled them again, came to rest with her hips slotted between Lena's thighs as she twined their fingers and lifted their joined hands up to press into either side of the pillow. She planted slow kisses up the side of her neck, along the shell of her ear, scattered them across her face. By the time she reached Lena's lips again, her entire body had gone soft with affection and want.

 

“I wanted to touch you,” she murmured as she bumped their noses together. “And I wanted to make you feel good. That's what I like most.”

 

“But I… don't you want…?” But Kara shook her head.

 

“I like touching you best.”

 

A hint of doubt crept in, an uncertain sliver of ice that worked its way down Lena's spine. That sly voice was back, whispering in the back of her mind, but she forced it away, forced herself to ask, because she knew Kara and she knew Kara wouldn’t lie to her and she wanted to understand.

 

“Why?” It was all she could manage, the only part of her doubts she could voice. Kara lifted her head and watched her quietly, hand reaching up so that she could smooth her thumb down the center of Lena’s forehead again, an attempt to eradicate her worry, she knew.

 

“Lena, if you want to… I mean, sex is fun. I don’t mind if that’s what you want to do. I just…” Kara shrugged, and there was uncertainty in her eyes now, a worry that strangely made Lena feel calmer. “It isn’t you,” Kara assured her, leaning in to urge their lips together in an almost frantic kiss. “I promise it isn’t because I don’t want you. I’m just- I’d rather just-”

 

When she stopped, hesitant, it was Lena’s turn to rub a thumb over the crease of her brow. She didn’t pretend to understand what Kara meant, what she was feeling, but she believed her when she said it wasn’t anything to do with Lena and that was reassuring enough.

 

“But you like kissing me, right?” she asked, and Kara nodded vigorously, the relief she wore so obvious that Lena couldn’t help but smile slightly. “And you like… being like this with me? This is okay?” When Kara nodded again, she tugged at the button of her pants. “Even if we take these off?”

 

This time, Kara sat up and undid the button herself, wiggling out of the remainder of her clothing before settling fully naked against Lena again. The shock of it, the heat of it, had Lena losing her breath as Kara grinned down at her.

 

“I love all of this,” she assured, dipping closer so that her teeth tugged playfully at Lena’s lip and made her breath hitch. “And I really love…” Her hand slipped between them, her fingers curled, and this time Lena gasped and clutched to the back of her shoulders. Kara chuckled and nuzzled her nose into her cheek, the sweet gesture a sharp contrast to the electric jolt of pleasure that set every single one of Lena’s nerve endings on edge. “Is that okay?”

 

“I’m… not complaining,” Lena managed to say, and this time she swallowed Kara’s laugh as she rose to meet her.

 

//

 

She should be exhausted.

 

It was the first thing she thought when she woke, the first realization she had (after realizing she was still quite naked beneath the blankets that covered them, of course). They’d been up far too late and it was still very early and it wasn’t like the time they’d been awake had been spent relaxing, so exhaustion should’ve swamped her, but it didn’t.

 

Actually, it was the opposite.

 

Lena felt energized, like she could run ten miles without faltering, like she could dance the entirety of _Giselle_ eighteen times before she even broke a sweat.

 

She was grinning about it when she rolled onto her back and stretched, muscles twinging and body aching in incredibly pleasant ways. The alarm hadn’t gone off yet – she’d woken twenty-three minutes before it was due to – but Lena was wide awake and knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep again even if she wanted to. So instead she rolled again, this time back into Kara, her lips pressing to her shoulder blade.

 

“Kara,” she murmured, continuing to trail kisses down the center of her back, across both shoulders, up the line of her neck. Kara stirred and grumbled, but Lena saw a small smile tugging at her lips even as she buried her face in her pillow. “Kara,” she drawled again, her fingers trailing over the dip at the base of Kara’s spine, over her hip, up the line of her waist. As she neared her waist, Kara squirmed slightly, flinching away from the contact.

 

Lena’s lips curled into a more devious smirk and she feathered her fingers over them, delighted when Kara wriggled harder and attempted to tug the blankets up from her waist over her torso again.

 

Ticklish. Kara was ticklish, and it was amazing to discover it, to learn something new about the girl who’d become her lover only the night before. She got to know these secrets now.

 

Ruthless, Lena dug her fingers in, laughing when Kara squealed and flipped over, tangling herself in the blankets. Lena slid over her with her smirk still in place, fingers light against her ribs as Kara wriggled and giggled and reached for her.

 

She gladly lowered her head when those fingers curled into the ends of her hair and urged her closer, forsaking the tickling for the simple pleasure of Kara against her, Kara’s lips on her own, Kara’s hands buried further into the tangled mess of black surrounding them both.

 

Kara dropped her head back against the pillow after a moment and then suddenly those blue eyes went wide, staring up at Lena until it was Lena squirming, a little uncomfortable, her hands coming up to push her hair from her face.

 

“What?” she asked, a little confused by the expression of absolute awe Kara wore.

 

“God, Lena.” She laughed and reached up, fingertips grazing pale skin. “I’ve never seen you, you know, in the sun. You’re just… you’re so beautiful. It’s a little unfair.”

 

(And with Kara looking up at her like that, it was hard not to believe her.)

 

Lena smiled and rolled her eyes, then scooted off of Kara to the side of the mattress.

 

“I’m going to wash up, okay?” she said, offering Kara a light kiss. Kara nodded and she kissed her again, lingered a moment before finally pushing to her feet and padding out towards the bathroom, trying not to feel awkward wearing nothing but her skin as she did so.

 

(In the shower, Lena looked down at herself, touched her fingers to her ribs, to the freckles on her skin, to the parts of her she knew were softer. It felt suddenly like she was seeing it all for the first time.

 

And for the first time in so long, she thought that maybe what she saw wasn’t so bad after all.)

 

//

 

Her spirits were still high when they got to the studio and when she looked in the mirror, she wondered if she looked as different to other people as she felt, if anyone would notice that her world had changed overnight.

 

She wondered if the glow that love gave a person was a myth or if it surrounded her now.

 

Smiling to herself, Lena sank down to the floor of the studio and began stretching, humming to herself as she did so. When she glanced up, Kara was grinning at her from the piano bench, her chin resting in the palm of her hand with her elbow settled on the key cover.

 

“Shouldn’t you be working?” she teased, though the warmth of that look spread through her chest, and she was sure the glow increased because how could it not? How could it not when Kara watched her, when she looked at her like she was the world, when she knew she could cross to her at any time and Kara would welcome her kisses without hesitation? How could it not be completely visible, her love for Kara Danvers?

 

And god, how was she going to hide it from anyone with eyes today?

 

She’d barely asked herself the question when Cat Grant stormed into the studio, heels clacking, expression set. There was a tote bag over her shoulder, obviously heavy, a latte clutched in her other hand. Lena watched her warily, sensing the storm.

 

“You,” she said, jabbing a finger at Kara, “And you,” she added, this time to Lena, “My office. Now.” And without waiting for a response, she turned out with the obvious belief that they would follow.

 

After exchanging a look, they did.

 

“What’s this about, Ms. Grant?” Kara asked as soon as they were through the door. Cat gave them a pointed look and Lena very quietly shut the door behind them, her fingers twisting together.

 

“This is about the two of you,” Cat said, reaching into her tote bag. She dragged out what appeared to be a handful of magazines, her eyebrows lifting as she looked up at them again. “Specifically what you plan to do about these.”

 

And then she tossed the stack onto her desk where they fanned out, five gossip magazines all featuring a grainy, but nevertheless recognizable, photograph of Lena and Kara kissing on the beach.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you who don't know - and for those of you who do and were a bit confused by this chapter anyway - I headcanon Kara as asexual. I've written several posts about this on tumblr, but I recognize that not everyone uses tumblr so I'm gonna talk about it here too.  
> Asexuality, as I understand it, is a spectrum and Kara's on that spectrum. For her, sex is fun to have and being the one to "give", so to speak, is her preferred method of having sex. She doesn't experience sexual desire the way an allosexual person would (a person who is allo is someone who experiences sexual desire) and therefore doesn't really have that drive to be touched in return, but she enjoys the act itself. And more, she really enjoys making Lena feel good and connecting with her partner on that level. Again, that's just one way to be ace, and it happens to be my Kara's way.  
> I really wanted to write it organically without like, a lecture. Because I really hate when a fic has characters like, write an essay about their labels? Like "I'm ace panromantic, which means I blah blah" and I know that sometimes people do explain it like that in real life, but it just doesn't come across as realistic in fic so it really bothers me. At the same time, I didn't want to just glaze right over it because I really, really wanted it to be made very clear that Kara is ace, and that having that conversation with your partner is super important (preferably before you're intimate, but sometimes things happen out of order).  
> So I really hope that I managed to succeed there and I really hope I did Kara justice. Anyway, please tell me what you think. I don't write a lot of sex scenes usually (and this is actually my first with an ace character) so I'd love to here from you. (: Thanks! Xx


	15. balançoire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all.... Life has been insane. I'm so sorry this took so long. I've got so much going on and I might also be having, you know, letting go issues when it comes to New Song. It's almost over! Can you believe it? Anyway, as usual, no editing we cry like men. I hope you enjoy! (: xx
> 
> Ps sorry this chapter sucks lmao it didn't go how I wanted it to but I really wanted to get something posted so this is what you get lol

It had been some time since she was on a magazine, Lena thought numbly, staring down at her own face where it sat looking back at her five times over from the top of Cat Grant’s desk. She reached out a hand and brushed her fingertips just along the edges of one, drew back sharply as if bitten. Her entire focus was on them now, tunnel vision, the edges of the room fading to black and the others’ voices growing muffled until nothing else existed but those pages.

  


Magazines, widespread gossip magazines, touting this as news because… because why? Because her family had money? Because her brother had killed people?

  


Lena hadn’t done that. Lena hadn’t planted a bomb on her university campus. Lena hadn’t blown up an administrative building and killed nearly a dozen people. To fight corruption of power, her brother had claimed. For the greater good, he had said. The magazines – the same ones laying on Cat Grant’s desk now – had loved printing and reprinting those quotes. And they’d loved asking Lena if she believed the same thing.

  


Lena didn’t. She’d been horrified.

  


And then she’d had to testify, to act as a character witness for her brother. But when they’d asked if he’d been acting strange, off… she’d said yes. She’d been so brutally honest, though it had torn her apart.

  


The magazines had loved that too, she remembered vaguely. They’d loved seeing Lex’s own sister turn against him. Not because they had thought her the good Luthor, the honest Luthor, but because it had made for interesting news and had sold magazines. Their photographers had followed her for months after that. Lillian had to hire bodyguards for her so that she could get back and forth to the studio and the theatre without being harassed.

  


Until finally they’d moved across the country to escape Lex’s legacy of death, to escape the media’s hunger for her thoughts and opinions on a brother she’d loved who’d become a murderer, a terrorist. Lena had fled because she’d hated it, the attention, the constant reminders. Lillian had allowed it because it was all a distraction from what she thought should be truly important to Lena.

  


Dancing. It always came down to dancing.

  


(Oh, her mother had never forgiven her for what she’d done to Lex. This would only be another strike, another reason to hate her one remaining child. Lillian was going to be furious when she saw these.

  


And it was a when, not an if.)

  


But it wasn’t just Lena on the magazines, she thought as she finally managed to see beyond the headlines (“Lena Luthor’s Lesbian Love affair!”), beyond the angles of her own face. Because kissing her, just as visible, was Kara Danvers. Kara, who’d just been publicly and nationally outed, whose boss was now watching them across her desk with arms folded and lips pursed. And it didn’t matter that Kara seemed fairly open with everything, that it probably didn’t both her half as much as it bothered Lena. It had still happened when it never should have.

  


And the fact it had was Lena’s fault.

  


Just like that, the world snapped back into focus and the sounds came rushing back in.

  


Dizzy with it, Lena lifted a hand to her head, touched her fingers to the center of her forehead where she could feel a headache twinging to life. There was panic churning in her gut and everything in her wanted to give into it, to shut down, to break down. She could feel the way it pressed at her throat, trying to close it off. Could feel the way it made her hands shake.

  


“Lena,” Kara murmured beside her, brows pinched together with her concern, and Lena shook her head to hold off the worry for a moment. She needed to collect herself, needed a moment to breathe, so that she could figure out what the hell she was going to do.

  


Panicking wasn’t going to help her here because this… this had the potential to mess everything up. Her career, her relationship, the fact she’d been hiding here in the first damned place.

  


Lena wasn’t going to let it.

  


Her eyes flashed open again and she clenched her jaw, staring down at the magazines again. And though her stomach lurched, though her hands still shook, she reached out and picked them up. All of them, tapping them into a neat pile.

  


And she dumped them into the trash.

  


(Dramatic, perhaps, but necessary. To her, necessary.

  


When she looked up and met Cat’s eyes, she saw something she thought might be pride in them.)

  


“This doesn’t change anything,” she said carefully, her tone deliberately precise, clipped, almost impartial. Her insides quivered, but her chin jutted out. “I’m not going anywhere, Ms. Grant. It won’t affect my performance.”

  


“Of course not. I never thought it would.” Cat nodded once and sipped her latte, looking between them now with pursed lips. Lena could feel Kara’s eyes on her, but she didn’t look away from Cat, didn’t dare. If she looked to Kara, she might break, and she couldn’t. Not here, not yet. “And I’m not firing you. Either of you. The show must go on, and no press is bad press.” She lifted her shoulders in a half shrug and sat, swiveling her chair back and forth as the silence stretched. After a moment, she motioned impatiently for them to take the guest chairs across from her.

  


“Sit, sit. I'm not going to slap at you. let's walk through this.”

  


“I'm sorry,” Lena said, slowly sinking down, “if this is making trouble for your company.”

  


“Oh please.” Cat waved a hand. “I once turned down a proposal from Harrison Ford. This is barely a blip on the media radar in comparison.”

  


“I know the… the gay thing can cause a bit more trouble for-”

  


“Miss Luthor.” She looked up, met Cat’s steely stare. “To be quite frank, your love life is none of my business, not even when it involves my assistant. You and Kiera-”

  


“Kara.”

  


A pause. “Pardon?”

  


Lena shook her head, not quite able to believe she'd made the correction out loud. Still, she pressed on, taking a deep breath before she looked up and said, “Her name is Kara. She's worked for you for two years, Ms. Grant. With all due respect, you should know her name.”

  


“Lena, it's okay,” Kara murmured beside her, but Cat held out a hand to silence her.

  


“You and _Kara,”_ she corrected, and Lena saw something thoughtful in her eyes she didn't understand, “are both grown women. You are free to have a relationship. I honestly don't care about that.”

  


“Okay. Well. There will probably be… photographers, reporters. There were in Metropolis, constantly.”

  


“Yes, Miss Luthor. I’m aware of your past history with the press.” Cat gave a tight-lipped smile. “I wouldn’t have hired you if they worried me.” She leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs neatly as she contemplated them over the top of her cup. “Is your mother aware of your relationship?”

  


“No.” Lena clenched her jaw and looked down at her lap where her fingers twisted together. She forced herself to stop, forced them to still, and looked up again. “She won’t be pleased, especially about the… the photos, the attention.”

  


Cat nodded like she’d expected this. “We’ll deal with that. Any other concerns? From either of you?” When neither of them answered, she nodded. “Good. Now go, back to the studio. I’ll be along in a few minutes.” She slid her glasses on and dragged her laptop close, dismissing them.

  


Lena and Kara stood and headed for the door. Kara stepped through first, but Lena paused when Cat called out to her again. When she turned, the older woman was watching her over the top of her glasses.

  


“Miss Luthor, people can be unkind, even cruel, over things that are none of their business. I wouldn’t put it past some of the girls in my own company to be the same. I wouldn’t keep you on if I thought you couldn’t handle it. Keep that in mind.”

  


Lena stared, honestly a bit shocked by the support and the confidence. It took her a moment to move again, and then she only managed when Cat flicked her fingers at her to wave her away. “Thank you, Ms. Grant,” she said quietly before stepping through the door after Kara, closing it behind her.

  


Kara’s arms were instantly around her, wrapping her up and holding her close. Lena let herself sink into the embrace, fingers curling in the back of her sweater as her heart continued to race and her head pounded, ached. Kara soothed, fingers pressing to the base of her neck, lips brushing her temple and forehead and over her hair.

  


“I’m okay,” Lena breathed, though she held tighter to Kara. “It’s okay. We… we can get through this.”

  


“We?” Kara whispered, and it occurred to her that she was scared too, that Kara still had reasons to be afraid of moments like these, moments where she expected Lena to need space and time and distance. It was fair, but it wasn’t going to happen.

  


Not again, not anymore.

  


Lena drew back, her trembling hands lifting to frame Kara’s face between them. Her eyes flickered between Kara’s, intent, earnest.

  


“We,” she affirmed, pressing up on her toes to kiss Kara softly. “We’ll handle it. Both of us. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Kara’s eyes closed on a shaky exhale, her hands lifting to curl loosely around Lena’s wrists. Her forehead dropped and pressed against her own and Lena let herself shift closer, offering comfort even as she took it.

  


God, being near Kara was everything she needed right now. She hoped that she knew that.

  


“Your mom is going to be super mad,” Kara whispered and Lena tried not to shudder, tried not to think about how Lillian would react when she found out. What she’d say, what she’d do.

  


(“ _Disgraceful, Lena. You’re disgraceful.”_ )

  


“We’ll handle it,” Lena said again with far more confidence than she felt, moving to rest her head on Kara’s shoulder when long arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her close.

  


(Part of Lena, the part of her that was the little girl the Luthors had taken in, mourned the loss of approval from the only mother she could remember.

  


But a larger part reminded her she’d never truly had it in the first place.)

  


//

  


There were whispers, murmurs, looks.

  


Though none of the magazines ever made an actual appearance, Lena could sense their presence at rehearsal like an extra person, an extra set of eyes following her every move as she spun across the stage. She half expected her mother to show up as well, despite the fact Cat Grant warned her off, but Lillian never came. Never even called, though Lena checked her phone at every break, and that made her more nervous than anything.

  


Was it possible Lillian hadn’t seen any of the magazines, that no one had contacted her to inform her or to attempt to get a statement? Or was she simply biding her time, waiting for Lena to return home so that she could berate her in person? The questions had her on edge throughout the night, as did the way everyone in the company seemed to tiptoe around her, pretending they weren’t staring when she turned towards them.

  


She wondered if it would’ve been this intense a reaction if she’d just come out on her own terms rather than being outed by goddamned magazines, if they’d have whispered about it half as much as they seemed to be now. She was fairly sure coming out wasn’t quite a big deal on a smaller scale, wasn’t quite so scandalous.

  


Because that was why they stared, really. The magazines made it out to be some huge secret, some shocking second life, when it was really just… private. Something she’d wanted to be just hers and Kara’s. Because she was afraid, she could admit. She was afraid of how people would see her, how they would react.

  


(She was the most afraid of her mother.)

  


And now that choice had been taken from her and Lena wanted to scream at them all to stop and remember that she was a person, that Kara was a person. People they knew, in fact. People they saw every day.

  


So why did a handful of articles make it suddenly so hard to remember that?

  


By the end of the night, Lena’s frustration was so intense that she barely said a word to anyone as she packed up. Not even to Lucy when she asked if she was okay, or to James when he gave her shoulder a squeeze and asked if she needed anything. She wasn’t. She didn’t. She just wanted to go home and pretend this whole mess never happened.

  


“Lena,” Kara said as they walked out towards her car. Lena glanced sideways towards her, saw the concern was back on her face. Lena sighed. She hadn’t meant to put it there again. She was just… so tired. She looked at Kara and it was then she became aware of her own tension, the way she clenched her jaw so tightly, the rigidity of her own shoulders. Kara looked like she wanted to reach out and sooth it away, but wasn’t sure if she was allowed. So Lena deliberately smoothed out the furrow of her brow, the tension in her coiled muscles, and offered a quick, not-quite-genuine smile.

  


“Don’t ask me if I’m okay,” she said quietly. “I’m not, not really, but I don’t… I don’t really want to talk about it yet.”

  


“Okay.” Kara nodded, hesitating before offering a hand. A small gesture, one easily ignored if Lena wanted to.

  


But she didn’t.

  


With only a cursory look around them, Lena slipped her hand into Kara’s and shifted closer. Their shoulders brushed as they walked and she felt a pinch of nerves that made her squeeze the fingers laced with her own, but Kara’s smile was so sweet that she couldn’t move away. Didn’t want to. All she wanted in the world was to hold onto Kara and stop being so goddamned afraid.

  


“I love you,” she murmured, her eyes staring straight ahead. She felt Kara’s gaze shift to her, focus on her, but she kept looking at the car they walked toward.

  


“I love you too.” Kara’s fingers squeezed hers in return before she opened the door for her, urging her into the car.

  


Sliding into the seat was like hiding beneath a blanket. There was silence, the world suddenly separate from what she was, where she was. It was all outside of the protection of where she sat and she felt what remained of her irritation melt away as Kara took the driver’s seat and she was able to reach out and slip her hand into hers again. Kara glanced over with another smile, but the shadow of concern was still in her eyes as she watched her. Lena squeezed her fingers to reassure and then shut her eyes, blocking out everything else but this feeling, this comfort.

  


She fell asleep on the drive home, woke again to the sound of Kara quietly saying her name.

  


And when she opened her eyes, the peaceful bubble that had cradled her so carefully vanished with the realization that they were surrounded.

  


Oh, not as dramatically as she had been in the early days of Lex’s trial, not as she had been when she’d gone on the stand and betrayed him. But there was enough interest generated in the press that a good number of reporters, mostly from gossip magazines, now stood outside of Kara’s building waiting for them to come home. The paparazzi were already flashing their cameras, hoping to get a good shot of the Luthor heiress and her secret affair.

  


The tension was back and Lena wanted to run, or scream, or cry. Maybe all of that, which went against every bit of what she’d been taught growing up.

  


( _“Never show them weakness, Lena. Luthors don’t cry. Don’t be such a child.”_ )

  


“We can turn around and leave,” Kara suggested. “Or run them over. Ten points each.” She grinned over at Lena when she said it, surprised a laugh out of her before she shook her head.

  


“We can’t let them scare us away.” She drew in a deep breath, let it out slowly. It trembled past her lips, but she’d hold. She was almost sure she’d hold, even as the fear and worry tangled together and made her belly twist. “This is our home.”

  


She realized only after Kara turned to stare at her what she’d said and she froze, staring right back. Technically this wasn’t their home. It was Kara’s. And she got that it was important for them both to have their own space. But… Well, Lena’s space was just that. A space, somewhere to live. It wasn’t home. And, well, Kara’s apartment wasn’t either. Not really.

  


Kara was what felt like home to her.

  


And she wouldn’t let them scare her away from that.

  


“You’re right,” Kara said, smiling with a sudden brightness that was almost blinding. Lena wondered if it was the same for her, if she understood perfectly what Lena meant. If she knew that she really meant that they couldn’t let this whole mess scare them away from one another. “We won’t let them. You ready?”

  


Lena nodded and together they stepped out to weather the storm.

  


(She didn’t start shaking until they were safely in Kara’s apartment, didn’t break down until Kara’s arms were around her. Soothing words whispered against her ear as they sank to the floor and Kara folded around her, rocking and rocking and rocking until she could breathe again.

  


_I love her,_ she kept thinking until her lungs could fill. _And she loves me._ It was enough.

  


It was everything.)

  


//

  


Lillian Luthor didn’t call.

  


She didn’t show up anywhere Lena happened to be, she didn’t message her in any way, nothing. Silence. And though Lena wanted to be relieved, she spent every waking hour waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because there was no way Lillian would let this end without saying something, without making sure Lena knew how horribly she’d failed her. It didn’t matter that Lena half hoped freezing her out completely was Lillian’s plan. She knew it wasn’t, knew that eventually her mother would say something. Do something.

  


Days passed in that same silence and she wasn’t sure what to expect.

  


Honestly, she didn’t have the time to spare thinking about it. The opening night of _Giselle_ was drawing near and Lena’s time was consumed with dance, with exercise, with carefully maintaining the new diet she’d been working to stick to (one that had her eating three full meals a day; still healthy, but much less restrictive. Maggie had helped her plan it without asking questions or commenting on the why of it all and Lena was grateful for that).

  


But despite all of that, it was always there, a bold question in all capital letters at the back of her mind: what would Lillian do?

  


“Earth to Lena.”

  


The voice broke through her train of thought and she blinked, bringing the room back into focus. It was loud, full of Kara’s (and Lena’s) friends for the last game night before opening night. Lena had come to enjoy these nights, rare as they had become, because she’d come to honestly enjoy everyone who showed up to take part. It was the one time they all made time to be in the same place at the same time and it was something Lena had never had in her life, this easy camaraderie that she had somehow become a part of.

  


“Sorry.” She offered Maggie an apologetic smile and shook her head slightly, searching the room full of people until she spotted Kara on the other side arguing the semantics of the current game’s rules with Winn. Once she was certain Kara was aware of her preoccupation, she looked back to Maggie again.

  


“I guess I’m just thinking about...” Her shoulders jerked. Now wasn’t the time or the place, probably, to think about her mother. To worry about her. It was supposed to be a fun night, after all. But Maggie watched her with that sort of soft understanding she always had, her head tilting slightly, the dimples in her cheeks flashing as her lips curved into a small smile.

  


“Wanna come outside with me?” she asked softly. “I could use some air.”

  


Lena nodded and with a word to Alex, they slipped quietly through the front door and headed down, exiting through the far side of the building to avoid any potential cameras still camped outside. They settled on a low wall along the outside of the building and Lena waited while Maggie hunted up a cigarette from her jacket pocket and lit it, blowing out a slow stream of smoke.

  


“Worried about your mom?”

  


Lena startled at the sound of her voice in the silence, head turning towards her. “Am I that obvious?”

  


Maggie smiled and shrugged. “I think it’d be pretty impossible for anyone to be in your situation and not have it in their head like all of the time. Alex said she hasn’t contacted you.”

  


“Not a word.”

  


“Maybe that’s a good thing.” Maggie took another drag on her cigarette, looking off down the sidewalk as Lena wondered how true that was. But there was something in Maggie’s expression that kept her quiet, that kept her from questioning the truth of it, and Lena only had to wonder for a moment what it was before Maggie said, “My mom didn’t keep so quiet,” and she realized it was a deep sadness.

  


“What happened?” Lena asked quietly, curling her legs up so that her heels could rest on the wall, her arms wrapped tight around her legs.

  


“Girl I had a crush on outed me to my parents. They didn’t take it really well. Lots of crying and screaming. My mom asking what she did wrong. They didn’t get that it was just me, you know? That they hadn’t done anything wrong, that they hadn’t made a mistake. There was nothing wrong with me, but they didn’t get that, couldn’t get that. Probably didn’t want to.” Maggie tipped back her head, cigarette forgotten between her fingers now as she recalled her past, Lena silent and sad beside her.

  


“When they kicked me out, my aunt found out. Called them up, cussed them out, told me I could stay with her. She loved me the way kids like us deserve to be loved, you know?” Maggie glanced back at her and Lena looked silently back, not quite certain she understood. “I got lucky,” she continued, “Because I had someone willing to help me see that there was nothing wrong with me. It sucks that you never had that chance.”

  


“You guys have helped me,” Lena offered softly and Maggie smiled warmly, scooting closer to sling an arm around Lena’s shoulders and hug her tight to her side.

  


“That’s right. And we’re gonna keep helping you, Luthor. That’s how a family is supposed to work.”

  


Lena felt a lump form in her throat, struggled to swallow down the emotions it brought with it as she let her head fall on Maggie’s shoulder, arms squeezing tight around her legs.

  


“I don’t know what your mom thinks, or what she’s going to do,” Maggie continued, flicking the cigarette to the ground, “But I hope you know that we aren’t going anywhere. None of us.” She gave Lena a gentle squeeze and then let her go again, sliding down from the wall. When she turned back to face Lena again, she wore a teasing smirk, her hands stuffed into her back pockets. “But especially Kara. I don’t think I could get her away from you even if I tossed her in a cell.”

  


Lena let thoughts of her mother fall away as she smiled back at Maggie, carefully following her down to the sidewalk again.

  


“I love her,” she said simply, and it was such a thrill to say it to someone else, someone who wasn’t Kara. Maggie’s smile grew.

  


“She loves you too,” she returned easily, hip checking Lena as they turned to head back inside. “And so do the rest of us. I hope you know that too.”

  


Lena’s heart turned in her chest, then seemed to swell as it filled with so much affection. For Maggie, for Lucy, for Alex. For James and Winn. Even for Cat Grant. She hadn’t known that she had the capacity to love so many people and the fact that she did now, that she could, was as amazing to discover as it had been to discover she’d loved Kara in the first place.

  


“I do,” she murmured. “And I love all of you too.”


	16. la fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the final chapter of We Need a New Song.

On the opening day of _Giselle,_ Lena woke before her alarm and lay on her back, silent and staring, as the predawn light crept in iridescent purples and blues across the ceiling. The colors grew and changed, became more vibrant as the sun lifted, and when the first streaks of pink and orange began to creep in through the blinds, Lena rolled towards the center of the bed and watched as it fell in stripes across Kara’s skin.

 

The blankets had bunched around her waist, as per usual, leaving the expanse of her back bare. Lena reached out and traced each patch of sunlight with feather-light fingertips, enjoying the smoothness and warmth of Kara’s skin beneath her touch. She brushed her thumb over each freckle, moved from the small of her back to up over her shoulder blades until she was satisfied that she’d touched each one.

 

The ache in her chest was not from emptiness as it had been for so long, but from her heart being so full that she wasn’t sure how it held everything she felt for this girl inside of it.

 

“Kara,” she whispered as she shifted closer to her, pressing into her side until their heads shared the same pillow. “Kara,” she said again, her lips brushing the tip of her nose, her single exposed eyelid, the curve of her cheek, the corner of her mouth. Kara’s lashes fluttered as Lena repeated the actions, and then her lips curved slightly. Lena felt them twitch beneath her careful kisses and hummed with quiet satisfaction.

 

“It’s early,” Kara mumbled into the space between them.

 

“I know.” Lena rested her head on the pillow again, enjoying the way the warmth caught between them. Her hand stroked against the dip of Kara’s spine, moving in slow circles just there that soothed despite the fact that she wished Kara would join her in wakefulness. The day was beginning and she didn’t want to start it alone.

 

Another minute passed and then Kara’s eye opened, a bleary blue that Lena smiled into even as Kara groaned and nudged their noses together.

 

“You should be sleeping,” Kara whispered.

 

“You can sleep still if you want,” Lena offered in return, equally quiet, unwilling to be the one to disturb their morning.

 

But Kara only hummed and nudged closer still, her hand pressing to Lena’s hip beneath the blanket. She shifted her head until both eyes were visible and watching her, crusted with sleep and still not quite focused, but beautiful nonetheless. She was smiling, sort of. Just a soft curve of lips, enough that Lena knew she wasn’t upset to be awake despite the fact the alarm hadn’t yet gone off.

 

Lena felt her love swell and press against her ribs with every beat of her heart. “Will you kiss me before the world wakes up?” she asked, still quiet, still careful.

 

And Kara did.

 

She kissed her lips first, took them slowly as both of their bodies woke and warmed and melded. She kissed every inch of skin she could reach in easy exploration, slow and undaunted by the fact they were technically racing against the clock on the bedside table. As Lena had, she explored every freckle, every scar, every blemish. She kissed constellations into Lena’s skin and breathed her love in hushed undertones against her ribs so that Lenathought that they might simply break apart and drop her heart into Kara’s hands.

 

And as the pinks and oranges turned to golds, Kara slipped inside of her, filling her even as the room filled with light.

 

And Lena loved.

 

(Watching Kara in these moments was like staring into the sun, too bright and too warm for someone like Lena, who always felt not quite deserving.

 

But she could never have looked away.)

 

//

 

(“I can't believe you wanted to kiss me with my morning breath,” Kara said after, laughing against Lena's cheek. Lena only smiled.

 

“I will always want to kiss you in the morning, Kara Danvers. Always.”)

  
//

 

Lena stood alone in the center of her dressing room, studying her reflection for any misplaced costume pieces, any smudged makeup, any untucked strand of hair. But there was nothing. Nothing to fuss over, nothing to occupy her hands as they started to shake. Her makeup was perfect and her hair tied neatly back. Her costume – the first one, the peasant costume with the faux corset top and a flowing green skirt – fit her perfectly and not a single ribbon was out of place. She ran a hand over her hip to smooth out a nonexistent wrinkle and wished that in her months’ worth of time spent discovering herself, she’d managed to grow out of her anxiety as well.

 

Various images of shows past flashed through her mind as she stared into her own reflected eyes, memories of recitals and showcases where nerves had been punished with cold looks and scathing words.

 

She was six and trembling head to toe, begging her mother not to make her perform in the recital. Her mother told her that she wasn’t a baby anymore, that she had to perform to prove it, that she would be severely disappointed if Lena didn’t go on. So she went and she danced and she spent twenty minutes after it ended curled over a toilet as she emptied her jittery stomach into the bowl.

 

(It had been Lex then, hunched over her shoulder with a wet paper towel on her neck, until Lillian had called him away.

 

“ _She can’t learn to overcome if you baby her, Lex. Let’s go.”_ )

 

She was twelve, awkwardly skinny, playing Clara in a performance of _The Nutcracker._ She was so stiff with her nerves that the first time she had to be lifted, the boy that lifted her fumbled her too early and she nearly fell. A lackluster performance, Lillian criticized later. The director gave Lena a small, beautiful bouquet and Lillian told her later, when they were in private, that she didn’t deserve them.

 

(“ _He dropped you_ _because you’re getting chubby, Lena. You need to stop eating so much.”_ )

 

She was seventeen and desperately crushing on a girl in the company she’d just been hired to work for. Not that the girl had any idea of that, but oh, Lena felt it in every part of her. Lillian must have figured it out as well, as it was not long after Lena had attempted to come out to her. The two Luthor women stood side by side backstage, waiting for Lena’s entrance. Lena’s eyes were on the girl – the lead dancer for this show – and her belly was jumping like crazy. For once, for the first time in her life, something was distracting her from her stage fright. Beside her, Lillian smirked.

 

(“ _She doesn’t even see you, darling. Don’t be a fool._ _Keep your focus where you know you can succeed._ ”)

 

And now here she was, nearly twenty-three and completely without her mother, still shaking like a leaf as she faced dancing _Giselle._ And she was good, she knew she was, she’d danced it a thousand times already. But this time it was with eyes on her,with hundreds of people waiting for her to either fail or succeed, and the nerves were coiled like spring in her belly.

 

There was a knock on her dressing room door and Lena jolted before exhaling over Winn’s _five minutes, Lena._

 

“Thank you,” she called out to him, her voice high and stilted, eyes back on the mirror. Five minutes. Five minutes and she’d be onstage. She felt the bile rise up, felt it press to the back of her throat so that it burned and made her feel like she was choking. She couldn’t do this, she didn’t want to do this. She’d let her understudy take it. Why the heel did she ever think she could-

 

Another knock, followed by the quiet sound of her name.

 

_Kara._

 

Lena turned and all but ripped the door open, her breathing too fast, her chest tight. Not quite a panic attack, but close enough that Kara’s expression shifted to instant concern when she saw her. She stepped in and quietly shut the door behind her before drawing Lena into her arms, holding her close. Lena gripped tight to her blouse and willed herself to just melt right into her so that she didn’t have to do this.

 

“I can’t do this,” she breathed. “I’m not good enough to lead this show, Kara, I’m-”

 

“Hey. Hey, hey.” Kara drew back and framed her face gently between her hands, so soft and delicate that Lena wanted to cry. She wouldn’t, she never did, but she could feel the ache of tears behind her eyes and wished she could. Kara only smiled, her thumbs brushing Lena’s cheeks, so careful not to smudge her makeup.

 

“You can do this, Lena. You’re amazing.”

 

“I can’t. I can’t, Kara.” Lena shook her head and felt shame burn in her chest. Kara was silent, so silent, and Lena knew she had to be disappointed in her. Lena was disappointed in herself.

 

“Okay. Okay, honey.” Lena’s head jerked up, her eyes meeting the softness of Kara’s. “If you really think you can’t, then I’ll tell Miss Grant. We can get Siobhan in costume and she can be Giselle. It’s okay.”

 

“It’s… it is?”

 

“Duh.” Kara gave her a smile, tugged lightly on one of the fake ringlets attached to Lena’s bun. “But for the record, I think you can. And I think you’d smash it. You know, in like, a good way.”

 

Lena could only stare, a little dumbfounded by the support. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised anymore by the fact Kara could, that she did, that she always would, but it still caught her off guard almost every single time.

 

Winn knocked again, a quick, _One minute until places, Lena,_ that she gives absent thanks for, her eyes still stuck on Kara’s.

 

“What’ll it be?” she asked quietly, and she didn’t look away either. There was no derision in her gaze, nothing that said she was disappointed in Lena or anything of the kind. There was just that unwavering faith overlaid with concern and Lena felt the panic in her chest get shoved aside to make room for the swell of her heart.

 

“I’ll do it,” she murmured, drawing in a quick, shaky breath. “I’ll do it.” She leaned up, leaving a smudge of lipstick on Kara’s cheek as she pressed a kiss there. “Thank you.”

 

“Sure.” Kara smiled, head ducking shyly as she reached down and slid her hand along Lena’s arm, catching and squeezing her hand. “I love you. You’re going to be the most beautiful Giselle these people have ever seen.”

 

Lena laughed. “I’m probably the only Giselle the majority of them have ever seen,” she pointed out, pleased by the fact she was able to make Kara laugh. “I love you too, Kara.” This she said softly, still so unused to the words, her fingers squeezing gently in return. And then she released her and went to the door, swinging it open with another quick inhale.

 

The nerves weren’t gone, but they were manageable. She took her position side stage and waited for her cue. The lights went up, the heat of them washing over skin stifled beneath thick stage makeup. She had another flash of memory, distant and blurry around the edges. Closing her eyes, she brought it to the forefront, drawing on it for the courage to face the stage.

 

She was four years old, stepping into her family’s private studio for the first time. Her tutor was young and pretty and kind. Lena didn’t remember her voice or even her name, but she remembered that kindness. She remembered sitting to watch her show her what ballet looked like. And she remembered thinking, in the beginning, that this was something she could love.

 

Opening her eyes again, Lena smiled, a small tilt of her lips. And with a leap, she entered the dance, her body moving by muscle memory through the first dance.

 

This was not her mother’s moment, not this time.

 

This time, succeed or fail, it was Lena’s.

 

//

 

There were dozens and dozens of flowers in her dressing room when she went to change and standing in the middle of the chaos was a grinning Kara. Lena laughed and quietly shut the door behind her, watching her as she did so, her movements slow and quiet. But when Kara held out her arms, Lena laughed and launched herself across the room straight into them, wrapping hers around Kara’s neck as Kara lifted her off her feet and spun her around and around.

 

And when she put her on her feet again, Lena was laughing, crying, her lips eager against Kara’s as she kissed her thoroughly. Kara kissed away each tear and Lena thought that she valued the rarity of them and the fact that this time… this time they were from joy.

 

“You were amazing,” Kara breathed, grinning so widely that Lena wondered if her face might simply split. “I mean, I’ve seen you dance before, but Lena, you were just-- you were so bright. I’ve never seen _anything_ as… as...” She made some sound of frustration, unable to articulate her feelings in her rambling, but Lena understood. She smiled and cupped Kara’s face, leaned up to kiss her again.

 

It felt so different, ending a show without Lillian there to tell her everything she did wrong, picking apart every moment of Lena’s dancing. Freeing. And how strange it was, to realize she could still find joy in it. That dancing could still be fun.

 

“Thank you,” she whispered, lips pressing quick kisses against Kara’s skin so that the pink of her lipstick dotted her skin. “And thank you for the flowers. They’re wonderful.”

 

“You deserve them. I don’t know how the heck we’re going to fit them all in my car to take them home, but you deserve them.”

 

Lena laughed again. “Let’s just leave them here. They’ll give me courage before all of my performances.”

 

Kara hugged her close, face tucked against Lena’s hair, arms steady and sure across her back. Lena held her in return, sighing her relief into her shoulder. This felt so good, so right. So perfect. This, she thought, was how ending a performance should’ve felt.

 

Eventually Kara released her, gesturing for Lena to spin around. She did so, closed her eyes as she felt Kara tugging her hair extensions free and releasing her real hair from its pins. The fingers combing through it were gentle and familiar and Lena’s smile never wavered.

 

She nudged Kara away when curved lips started kissing up the back of her neck, another laugh escaping as she turned towards her and swatted playfully in her direction. “Let me get changed first, handy,” she chastised, though there was no real heat to it. Kara only gave her a smile and adjusted her glasses before tucking both hands into her back pockets.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” she said. “You’re just so pretty.”

 

“Uh huh.” Rolling her eyes, Lena set about removing the thick makeup and fixing her mass of stiff, hairsprayed hair, tying it back into a messy tail. Then she peeled herself out of her final costume – white, flowing, delicate material – and changed into street clothes, winking in Kara’s direction when she earned a teasing wolf whistle.

 

“You’re incorrigible, you know that?” Lena said as they left the stage together, her hand tucked with very little self-consciousness into Kara’s.

 

“Oh, I know.”

 

They stepped through the back doors just like that, still hand in hand and bantering, and Lena had a moment to think how perfect it was. For just a moment, her life was perfect and bright and joyous.

 

And then her mother spoke her name.

 

The blood in Lena’s face turned to ice and she turned to face Lillian Luthor. Every muscle in her body went stiff, the hand that held Kara’s dropping back to her side. The post-performance nausea that had been missing tonight rose up now, churning low in her belly as Lillian stepped forward into the light of the back door’s security light.

 

She looked the same. It was the first thing Lena noticed as Lillian pursed her lips and looked her up and down and how could she still look the same when Lena felt everything was so different? How could she still look so tall and elegant and put together when Lena had started to paint her as old and twisted and evil in her mind? But of course Lillian didn’t look like a monster. She looked like a woman well-aged, a woman who’d retained her beauty even as the years passed her by.

 

Monsters, Lena had learned, could often have beautiful faces.

 

“Mother.” She just barely managed to breathe the word, air seizing in her lungs.

 

“Lena.” Cold eyes, pale and cruel, skimmed down and up the length of her before flickering to Kara. Lena felt chilled straight through to the marrow. “I see that you’ve made no effort to improve your situation since the last time we spoke.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“I gave you some time to see reason. I thought for certain that the shame of those articles would force the issue, but...” Lillian lifted her hands and let them fall again, a gesture Lena had seen time and time again. Dismissive, a movement that said _you’ve failed me again, Lena, no matter how hard I’ve tried._ But it was the words she spoke that had Lena going colder yet.

 

“You… you did this?”

 

“Only incidentally.” Lillian smiled, but it didn’t thaw the ice in her eyes. “The man who took the pictures tried to use the photos against me, you see. Thought perhaps he could blackmail me with them. And I do admit, I did give in. I purchased the pictures from him myself.” Her head tilted, considering her daughter. “But then, well. I thought perhaps it might be the nudge you needed to come to your senses.”

 

“You sent them to those magazines.” Lena said it dully. Beside her, Kara shifted, and Lena could all but feel the anger pumping off of her in waves. She stepped forward, more to prevent Kara from doing so than anything, drawing Lillian’s attention fully to her.

 

“To help you, Lena. Look what you’ve become.” She laughed, still without humor, a hand waving towards her daughter. “A joke, a mediocre dancer. And a heavy one at that. My god, what have you been eating?”

 

“I’ve been eating healthy. I _am_ healthy. And happy.”

 

Lillian scoffed. “You’re weak and sloppy and wasting your potential.”

 

“And you’re jealous.” Lena didn’t know what made her say it, but as soon as it escaped, she knew it was true. “You’re jealous of me. Why, mother? Because I’ve succeeded where you failed with your own dancing?”

 

“Enough,” Lillian snapped, her lips pressed in a thin line. Her hands were folded so tightly together that the knuckles were white.

 

“Or is it because of father? Is it because I represent the fact that he’d picked someone else over you?”

 

She wasn’t expecting the slap, the sharp sting of it. For all the things her mother had done to her over the years, she’d never enacted any form of physical violence. So when her head snapped to the side, when her cheek stung and then flared with pain, when she tasted copper in her mouth, Lena was shocked.

 

Behind her, Kara yelped indignantly, moved to step forward as Lillian raised a hand to slap her again. But it was another hand that caught Lillian Luthor’s wrist mid-swing, another face that burned with rage just behind the older woman.

 

“I would rethink that,” Alex Danvers said, and though her voice was low, there was no mistaking the emotion behind it. Before Lillian could protest even a bit, she flashed her badge and silenced her. “Because I could already haul you in for assault. Lena?”

 

Dazed, her hand pressed to her face and Kara’s arms around her, Lena looked towards Alex.

 

“We pressing charges tonight? Maggie’s been dying to handcuff someone since we sat down.” Alex flashed her teeth and nodded to her left and Lena noticed for the first time that Maggie was there too. Both of them were dressed up. For the show, she realized, tears pressing once again to the back of her eyes. They’d come to her show. Kara’s family. _Her_ family.

 

She shifted her eyes to a snarling Lillian and wondered how, _how_ had she ever thought that this woman was her family? That she had ever or could ever give Lena the love she now knew she deserved? Lillian Luthor was not her family. She never had been, not really.

 

“No,” she said, her voice quiet.

 

“Lena, she hit you,” Kara whispered beside her, indignant on her behalf. “Are you sure?”

 

“I’m sure.” Lena nodded to show her certainty and with a scowl, Alex released Lillian’s wrist.

 

Outnumbered, unable to do anything else, Lillian huffed and smoothed down the wrinkles in her suit. “Well. You know, of course, that you’re cut off now, Lena. You won’t see a cent of the Luthor fortune. From here on out, you are completely alone.”

 

“No, I’m not.” Lena gave her a sad smile and wished one last time that there had been something real between them, something warm, something loving. Laughter and joy and hugs rather than disappointment and bitterness.

 

And then she let that wish go. It belonged to a child Lillian had long since buried.

 

“But you are. Goodbye, mother.”

 

With one last cold glance between them all, Lillian turned and left the side alley, her heels loud against the cement. Kara’s arms tightened around her and Lena let her head rest against her shoulder. Her cheek felt hot and tender, throbbing with each step Lillian took. Lena saw her get into the back of a car that waited by the curb.

 

And then she was gone.

 

Gone from the theatre and gone from Lena’s life. She had a moment to think how wrong it was that the only thing she felt was relief before Maggie spoke up.

 

“Well. As fun as this has been, we’ve got plans. Let’s get moving, kids.”

 

“Plans?” Lena echoed and Kara kissed her forehead before drawing back slightly. Lena saw the worry in them, the way she studied her face like she might just break apart right there. Like she’d shatter and the pieces would blow away in the next bit of wind.

 

“A sort-of party,” Kara said, her lip catching between her teeth. “For you and James and Lucy. Just our group, you know, hanging out together. Lots of food and drinks and-- It was supposed to be a surprise, but I… If it’s too much right now, Lena, we don’t have to go.”

 

Lena looked away, her eyes tracking over the path her mother had taken. That door had closed, she knew. Lillian didn’t offer idle threats, and she certainly didn’t take them back once she’d given them. Lena would likely never hear from her again.

 

But then she looked to Alex, who stood with her arms folded, slightly uncomfortable in the dress she wore. She looked to Maggie, who stood smiling at Alex’s side, that real kind of smile that warmed her eyes and made the corners crinkle. She looked to Kara, who would give her the world if she asked for it, no matter how long it took.

 

Lena drank in the sight of her family and found herself smiling.

 

“No.” She stepped back slightly. Her hand slipped into Kara’s and squeezed gently to reassure her. “No, we should go. It’s good. It’s good, Kara,” she affirmed quietly when Kara looked doubtful. “I’m good.”

 

“Of course you are.” Alex crammed her badge back into her evening bag and hooked an arm around Maggie’s waist. “You’re Lena Badass Luthor. You’re not going to let that bitch ruin your night.” Alex met her eyes squarely. “And this is totally your night, Lena. I don’t even like ballet and I managed not to fall asleep.”

 

“You were amazing,” Maggie agreed, elbowing Alex sharply until the older Danvers grinned down at her. “It was beautiful. Alex cried.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, I did not. Don’t lie, Sawyer.”

 

“Like a baby,” Maggie said with a smirk.

 

Lena laughed, released Kara’s hand to step forward and wrap around them both. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” She drew back and turned, giving Kara a dazzling smile. “Come on, Kara. Let’s celebrate Alex crying over ballet.”

 

“I didn’t cry,” Alex muttered.

 

Kara was silent another moment, blue eyes intent on Lena’s face. And then she smiled as well and nodded her head, reaching for Lena’s hand again. Lena gave it without hesitation and their fingers tangled between them.

 

“Alright,” Kara agreed. “Let’s go.”

 

//

 

The apartment was loud and crowded. More dancers from the company had showed up, people Lena had been working with for months and months. People who knew her name and greeted her warmly, people who congratulated her, hugged her, gave her flowers.

 

As the party stretched through the night, Lena found herself standing on the edge, surveying the scene with something like amazement.

 

“What are you doing over here?”

 

Kara whispered it against her ear and Lena tilted her head back to smile at her. She took her hand, drew her arm around her waist, and settled comfortably into her side. Again she looked out over the crowd, watching as Lucy tossed her head back and laughed at something Alex said. Watching as Winn tried and failed several times to beat James in an arm wrestling match. Watched as Maggie handed Alex a beer and tugged a strand of her hair until Alex tilted her head and she was able to kiss her over the back of the couch.

 

She watched them and loved them.

 

“I’m letting myself feel what it’s like,” she murmured.

 

“What what’s like?”

 

“What it’s like to feel like my own person. To be… I don’t know... free.” And she wasn’t sure how to explain it, wasn’t sure what words to use to express how different she felt now. But with Kara, she didn’t need the words. She only kissed the side of Lena’s head and squeezed her around her waist, holding her in a quiet moment where they both surveyed their friends.

 

“Lena! Come settle a bet,” Lucy called out, waving them over.

 

And with a smile and Kara’s hand in hers, Lena crossed to where she belonged.

 

With family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all.   
> I just wanted to tell y'all how grateful I am that you came along for this wild ride with me. I'm so, so proud of New Song and though I know I undoubtedly made mistakes along the way, I truly hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'm sad to see it end, but don't worry. There's more to come from me. (:  
> Keep an eye out for an epilogue if you're a fan of that kind of thing. Otherwise, thanks again for joining me. Drop me a few words if you have the time, let me know what you thought. And as always, I'm over on tumblr @proudlyunicorn anytime you want to chat. (:
> 
> Thanks so much, again, for all of your sweet comments and all of the support you've given me. I couldn't have finished my story without you.
> 
> Best wishes to you all,  
> Kara (not Danvers)


	17. encore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little epilogue to peek into the future. Short and sweet and hopefully not too cheesy for y'all. (: Thanks again for all the love. It's been a great ride. xx

_**Several years later** _

 

..

 

The old brick building with its glass front door and slightly wilting potted plants was nothing spectacular, but to a five-year-old, it was the start of a new adventure.

 

Oh, and Nola did so like adventure. She liked to start new things, anywhere from trying a new food to starting big kid school like she had in September. National City Ballet’s beginner class was a new undertaking and she couldn’t wait to get started, was all but bouncing out of her sneakers as she leaped up the stairs several paces ahead of her mother.

 

“Mama, come _on._ We’re going to be late.”

 

“We’re right on time. Slow down, please.”

 

Nola barely heard her, of course. She was too busy racing ahead, scrambling up onto benches outside wide windows to peer in at the other dancers. Older kids danced, boys and girls, spinning in circles and leaping across the floor. Nola watched them with wonder before moving onto the next room and studying those dancers as well. Her mother followed more sedately, keeping an eye on her all the way.

 

When she came to classroom four – “this one is mine, mama!” - Nola didn’t bother to look in. She simply barreled through the doors at a run, grinning from ear to ear as she spotted her instructor and tossed herself bodily into her legs. Her mother followed her inside, offering a small smile to Nola’s new ballet teacher, who grinned back cheerfully and swept Nola up.

 

“And who do we have here?” Kara Danvers asked, giving Nola’s side a quick poke so that she squirmed and giggled and rolled her eyes.

 

“Mommy,” she chastised, still giggling, “I’m Nola!”

 

“Nola? My Nola?” Kara’s eyes went wide with surprise, even as she winked at Lena over the top of their daughter’s head. “Couldn’t be. My Nola has sticky candy fingers and grass stains on her overalls. You’re wearing a leotard!”

 

“I am, look!” Nola reached up and used her fingers to push her eyelids up higher, as if that made the green of her eyes that much clearer. “See? I have mama’s eyes!”

 

“Wow, so you do. I guess that proves it.” She placed Nola down again when another student came in, let her race off with her unceasing enthusiasm to greet the new dancer and introduce herself.

 

Lena took advantage of the distraction and stepped forward to kiss Kara lightly, though her worried eyes tailed their daughter across the room. She was showing off her dancing costume, a simple pink leotard with attached skirt, and Lena could all but hear the bragging. _My mommy is our teacher and my mama used to be a real ballerina. That’s how they met and fell in love and made me._ Nola liked to talk about that as often as she could fit it into conversation, a fact that was both amusing and ceaselessly embarrassing to Lena.

 

“Promise to call me if she doesn’t like it.” Lena twisted the strap of her purse around and around as she watched their daughter with her already-slightly-messy braid and the wide smile that was all Kara. “I don’t want her to do this if she doesn’t like it so just-”

 

“Lena.” Kara tugged her hand from her purse strap, gently calling her attention back to her. She smiled, soft and understanding, thumb pressing gently between Lena’s knuckles as she gave their joined hands a swing. “I know. I promise, if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to do the lessons anymore. But she asked to do dance, remember? So let’s let her have a trial run.” She leaned down and kissed Lena again and Lena sighed, nodding in agreement.

 

“Right. We talked about it. Nola wants to do dance so she can do dance for as long as she wants to.”

 

“Mhm. And...” Kara glanced up at the wall, her forehead furrowing as she noticed the time. “If you don’t get going, you’re going to be late for your class, Mrs. Danvers.”

 

Lena cursed and gave Kara another swift kiss, then found Nola and dragged her close to sprinkle kisses all across her sweet little face as well before hugging her close.

 

“I love you, Nola,” she murmured as she held her to her chest. “Be good for mommy, okay? And remember-”

 

“If I don’t like it, I don’t have to go again. I know, mama.” Despite the childlike exasperation in her tone for a conversation they’d had a million times, Nola hugged her tight and pressed a wet kiss to her cheek. “Love you.” And then she was wiggling free, dashing off to join the other children now slowly trickling in and gathering around Kara.

 

Lena took another moment just standing in the corner to watch the way her daughter interacted with the others. Though she was every inch Lena in looks, she had Kara’s outgoing personality and charm, with a hint of Luthor sass. A perfect mix of them both, Lena always thought. And she loved her so much it was almost terrifying.

 

But she was a good mother. She knew she was because she could see it reflected in Nola. In her confidence, in her spirit, and especially in how certain she was of the fact she was deeply and truly loved.

 

Lena started to turn away and caught sight of herself in the mirror, took a minute to compare the Lena she saw there to the Lena who’d first seen herself in these mirrors nearly ten years before. This Lena had a fuller figure, curves at the hips and breasts that had been severely slimmed down in her youth. Some of the weight had come after carrying Nola, of course, and she’d never really shed it.

 

(Some came from the new life she carried now, though that had only just started and was hardly noticeable really.)

 

But the biggest difference she saw was in how truly happy she was.

 

Smiling to herself, Lena left her old studio and stepped out into the sunlight, tilting her head back to drink in the warmth. It felt so lovely and so suited her mood, the joy bursting in her chest, the love filling her to the brim.

 

She had a class to get to – after coming into an inheritance from her father at the age of twenty-five that Lillian Luthor hadn’t been able to do anything about, she’d decided to open a Science Center for kids to go to after school and on weekends. She taught a class for girls, one designed to help those interested in the field feel like they belonged in it. The type of support Lena hadn’t ever had, the type of support she would give to her children every day of their lives.

 

But for a moment, for just a moment she wanted to enjoy the day.

 

And then from the curb, Alex Danvers honked the horn and shouted for Lena to get her pregnant ass moving. So Lena laughed and jogged towards the car with her loose hair flying in a mess of curls behind her. All she could think about was how truly perfect her life had become, even with all of its imperfections.

 

Maybe especially because of them.


End file.
